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Old 10-08-2012, 07:32 PM   #21
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we are having a very hard time bonding with our dfs. he is a really hard baby. i really, really hope dfs is RU eventually. I do not want to be faced with the question of adopting him because at this point i don't think we could. he is very needy and it is hard to get anything accomplished unless i put him down and then he screams. sonic wail style. sometimes he's not even crying, he's just screaming for no reason. he did this all.day.long today, i think there was a half hour where i wasn't holding him and he wasn't screaming. he screams whenever he sees food or drink even if he just ate. he screams for the next bite when he hasn't even swallowed yet. he barfs a lot, even on reflux meds. its better now that i can make sure he dosen't eat or drink a ton at once, and it really makes him wail when i can tell he's had enough and i have to stop him. i am looking forward to his 1 year check up next week to see what the pedi has to say about this. he doesn't get any dairy soy or beef, pretty much just chicken, turkey, pasta and rice and whatever veggies and fruits i can sneak in. its so hard. i want to love him. he is so cute and occasionally is very sweet. we just had a hard day today.
Was he drug exposed? Or has he been on several homes? Poor guy, that's about Thomas's age, Hang in there mama

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Old 10-08-2012, 08:07 PM   #22
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Re: OCTOBER 2012 CHAT THREAD

no drug or alcohol exposure. you never really know i suppose unless you hear it from the doctors mouth, but this is from the SW so i trust it i guess. i don't know if she just said she didn't use or she or he tested clean but SW said mom has never been into drugs and alcohol and after getting to know her a little bit its easy for me to believe thats true. but you never do know.

He's been in and out of different homes with family and several different foster homes in a very short period of time before he came here. like 6 homes between when we got him overnight in june and when we got him again in mid august. i understand whats happening, its just hard. when my dh and i were talking the other day he brought up the point that if this does go to adoption and we don't adopt him it could be 2 years wasted that we could have spent fostering a kiddo we actually will adopt. i knew in the back of my mind that he might not be a great fit for us when we accepted the placement but i just couldn't say no. and if someone asked me today if i would take him knowing what i know i probably would still say yes because man i can't look at him and not want to protect him. i guess that means i am bonded a little bit. its just so hard. i'm bad at this.

hes such a bad sleeper too. ugh. we have a white noise machine in the room but still it seems like every turn of a doorknob or closing a cabinet door wakes him up. we have a small home that doesn't help. i think the whole situation would be easier if dd and dfs didn't share a room or if we had a second story. my dh works at night and has to try to sleep during the day when J is screeching right next to the bedroom. its so stressful right now. i'm hoping that his sleeping issues are because he is getting some teeth in because when we had newbie dfd he slept perfectly through the night so maybe this is a stage. or maybe now the "honeymoon period" is finally over? the worst part is that dd's teachers and therapists are all noticing that she is so tired during the day. she doesn't get up when he does but i'm sure it wakes her up. i was always very pro-bedroom sharing for siblings but this is just an entirely different situation. i'm just hoping and praying this is a difficult phase that will be over soon!!!

thanks for the support mamas it means the world to me!
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:30 PM   #23
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no drug or alcohol exposure. you never really know i suppose unless you hear it from the doctors mouth, but this is from the SW so i trust it i guess. i don't know if she just said she didn't use or she or he tested clean but SW said mom has never been into drugs and alcohol and after getting to know her a little bit its easy for me to believe thats true. but you never do know.

He's been in and out of different homes with family and several different foster homes in a very short period of time before he came here. like 6 homes between when we got him overnight in june and when we got him again in mid august. i understand whats happening, its just hard. when my dh and i were talking the other day he brought up the point that if this does go to adoption and we don't adopt him it could be 2 years wasted that we could have spent fostering a kiddo we actually will adopt. i knew in the back of my mind that he might not be a great fit for us when we accepted the placement but i just couldn't say no. and if someone asked me today if i would take him knowing what i know i probably would still say yes because man i can't look at him and not want to protect him. i guess that means i am bonded a little bit. its just so hard. i'm bad at this.

hes such a bad sleeper too. ugh. we have a white noise machine in the room but still it seems like every turn of a doorknob or closing a cabinet door wakes him up. we have a small home that doesn't help. i think the whole situation would be easier if dd and dfs didn't share a room or if we had a second story. my dh works at night and has to try to sleep during the day when J is screeching right next to the bedroom. its so stressful right now. i'm hoping that his sleeping issues are because he is getting some teeth in because when we had newbie dfd he slept perfectly through the night so maybe this is a stage. or maybe now the "honeymoon period" is finally over? the worst part is that dd's teachers and therapists are all noticing that she is so tired during the day. she doesn't get up when he does but i'm sure it wakes her up. i was always very pro-bedroom sharing for siblings but this is just an entirely different situation. i'm just hoping and praying this is a difficult phase that will be over soon!!!

thanks for the support mamas it means the world to me!
Oh mama hang in there. I would hate to disrupt in your situation, but you have to look out for your family first. I have only had noobs, and some were terrible sleepers and some (our STBAS) are wonderful sleepers... Your dfs may have a combination of where am I, and just being a bad sleeper. Sorry mama, I hope it resolves soon!

Regardless, hang in there!!!!!
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:43 PM   #24
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No we arent considering disruption at all. Just wanting to vent. My whole family thinks hes the sweetest most good natured cuddle bug ever, and he can be, but he has been such a terror lately! My mom keeps saying she had never heard him scream, I guess I must be lying? my dh actually calls him the tiny terrorist lol!
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Old 10-09-2012, 11:02 AM   #25
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Re: OCTOBER 2012 CHAT THREAD

Quote:
Originally Posted by newmommy13 View Post

we are having a very hard time bonding with our dfs. he is a really hard baby. i really, really hope dfs is RU eventually. I do not want to be faced with the question of adopting him because at this point i don't think we could. he is very needy and it is hard to get anything accomplished unless i put him down and then he screams. sonic wail style. sometimes he's not even crying, he's just screaming for no reason. he did this all.day.long today, i think there was a half hour where i wasn't holding him and he wasn't screaming. he screams whenever he sees food or drink even if he just ate. he screams for the next bite when he hasn't even swallowed yet. he barfs a lot, even on reflux meds. its better now that i can make sure he dosen't eat or drink a ton at once, and it really makes him wail when i can tell he's had enough and i have to stop him. i am looking forward to his 1 year check up next week to see what the pedi has to say about this. he doesn't get any dairy soy or beef, pretty much just chicken, turkey, pasta and rice and whatever veggies and fruits i can sneak in. its so hard. i want to love him. he is so cute and occasionally is very sweet. we just had a hard day today.
I am so sorry! That sounds like how my bio-son was, who we now know has asperger's syndrome and ADHD and ODD.

We are going into our foster care knowing that even if a child comes available for adoption while in our care, that we may just be the stopping spot on its way to its forever family. We understand *not every child* will be a good fit for our family. It would be difficult, I am certain, but unless everything just 'clicks', we will not pursue adoption. Your situation is exactly why we feel like that. Also, having a son who at 16 *still* wears us out with his incessant fixations, talking, desires, and fits, we know we wouldn't welcome another child into our home permanently that we know will drain us. We do understand it could happen with any of them without is knowing it, but, I hope you get what I am saying. We would also adopt a newborn sight-unseen not knowing what issues it could have, and we would love it forever regardless. I guess this is part of the bittersweetness of fostering to adopt...you get a glimpse into how your life would be with this little person in it forever. They may improve, and...well, they may not. My son was a LOT easier as an out of control toddler than he is as a teen.
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Old 10-09-2012, 11:24 AM   #26
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Re: OCTOBER 2012 CHAT THREAD

Alright, I am going to do my "formal" intro now. My siggy tells you some, but I will go into the rest. We have 3 bio children (living) and one son who we adopted domestically through an open adoption. We have tried to adopt again since he was born, only to have many failed adoptions follow. Five birthmoms decided to parent, one had a late-term abortion, one the agency screwed up, and just two weeks ago our baby girl was born pre-term at 32 weeks and the birthmom declined any life-saving measures (mom had just been sentenced to 15 years in prison as well as birthdad being sentenced a few months prior). We stopped actively pursuing adoption after our 3rd failed adoption, but we are always open when they come to us.

We started foster care training almost three years ago, but DH ended up getting transferred in the middle of it and the only agency in the new area is the one who messed up our adoption...after that, we were NOT going to foster through them. Eight months ago, we moved back to the area where we did our foster training originally. We went back through them, re-did the training where we had to, and then got busy on doing all of the work for certification. The paperwork took forever, as well as a move in the same area to a house with more bedrooms (so fostering would be easier logistics wise). We are all done now with everything, just waiting on the stuff to get finished on the agencies end and the licensing to be official. They told us last Wednesday that we would be licensed within two weeks. I am so excited. We will be accepting two under the age of two, but could possibly accept three under the age of two (they asked us if we would, because of my NICU experience and medical training, and also because my oldest son is already enlisted in the military and lives with his father until he goes to bootcamp). We shall see what happens.

Our goal is to love these children while we can, and hopefully plant a seed of love in their life that will always continue to grow. They may just be with us for a season before going back to their family, or to their forever family. However, we are also open to God's planning and if he leads us to adopt one of our special foster babies, we would be thrilled to do so. DH says we will still be adopting when we're 70...LOL. I doubt it, but he makes me laugh.
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Old 10-09-2012, 12:21 PM   #27
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Oh wow. So much heartache! how does a hospital even allow no lifesaving measures on a 32 weeker?! I hope your foster experience goes much smoother. And welcome!

I almost went back and deleted those posts I made last night because it makes dfs sound terrible and really it makes me sound even worse. Some things just shouldn't be said kwim? He woke up before dd and she stayed asleep so we had some bonding time. I feel much better today.
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Old 10-09-2012, 02:30 PM   #28
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Re: OCTOBER 2012 CHAT THREAD

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Oh wow. So much heartache! how does a hospital even allow no lifesaving measures on a 32 weeker?! I hope your foster experience goes much smoother. And welcome!

I almost went back and deleted those posts I made last night because it makes dfs sound terrible and really it makes me sound even worse. Some things just shouldn't be said kwim? He woke up before dd and she stayed asleep so we had some bonding time. I feel much better today.
It really doesn't make him sound bad. I understand the frustration and need to vent.

As far as no lifesaving measures...the parents have a right to decline resuscitation/ intubation.
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Old 10-09-2012, 03:56 PM   #29
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Re: OCTOBER 2012 CHAT THREAD

Newmommy, been thinking about you. Hang in there! Can you wear him in a carrier on your back? I have to do that a lot with my ds after nap when I'm trying to get dinner going, etc. and he will fuss if put down.

I struggle with exactly what you said about feeling that room sharing is the best for siblings, but with 4 yr old dd's sleep issues I am finally considering after two years of sharing that maybe it's not the best after all. Unfortunately now that there are four kids instead of the two there were when they started sharing there isn't really any other choice right now.

Have you considered sensory processing disorder? Both my 4 yr old and 1 yr old have just been diagnosed with this. Or if it's long term and does not resolve as teething or a phase, maybe melatonin? (it's over the counter but not labeled for kids under 18 so would need to be recommended by a dr). My dd just started this ordered by her dev ped and it's been a life changer.
Or it could just be the number of homes. I can't imagine how that seems to a little one. I would probably be screaming all the time, too. Or it could be that he sleeps with his mom at home? I found out after our first two placements when it never would have occurred to me that they both slept with someone at home so my house was probably the first time in their lives that they were put to bed by themselves. Although your dd is in there, too.

But, lack of sleep is really, really hard. Makes it so you can't be the Mom you want to be. At least for me; I get really cranky

It's not a waste of time if he is who God brought to your home for now.

It will get better.
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Old 10-09-2012, 05:05 PM   #30
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Newmommy, been thinking about you. Hang in there! Can you wear him in a carrier on your back? I have to do that a lot with my ds after nap when I'm trying to get dinner going, etc. and he will fuss if put down.

I struggle with exactly what you said about feeling that room sharing is the best for siblings, but with 4 yr old dd's sleep issues I am finally considering after two years of sharing that maybe it's not the best after all. Unfortunately now that there are four kids instead of the two there were when they started sharing there isn't really any other choice right now.

Have you considered sensory processing disorder? Both my 4 yr old and 1 yr old have just been diagnosed with this. Or if it's long term and does not resolve as teething or a phase, maybe melatonin? (it's over the counter but not labeled for kids under 18 so would need to be recommended by a dr). My dd just started this ordered by her dev ped and it's been a life changer.
Or it could just be the number of homes. I can't imagine how that seems to a little one. I would probably be screaming all the time, too. Or it could be that he sleeps with his mom at home? I found out after our first two placements when it never would have occurred to me that they both slept with someone at home so my house was probably the first time in their lives that they were put to bed by themselves. Although your dd is in there, too.

But, lack of sleep is really, really hard. Makes it so you can't be the Mom you want to be. At least for me; I get really cranky

It's not a waste of time if he is who God brought to your home for now.

It will get better.
Thank you so much for this! I don't think it is sensory but more of an attachment/psychological issue. I plan on bringing all of this up to the ped so hopefully she will have some advice. My gut feeling is that it is just attention seeking and exacerbated by feeding issues, teething issues, sleeping issues etc. it all fits in with neglect and so much moving around. My hope is that when things calm down he will realize that he is safe, will be fed, etc. he will calm down. for all he knows he will be going to a strange new home tomorrow kwim? I haven't been wearing him as much as I should because I'm having daily migraines and I have shoulder pain due to fibromyalgia. I powered through this morning and wore him and it made all the difference in the world.
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