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Old 10-09-2012, 10:04 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by mrsrozberry

Honestly the whole hearing thing drives me nuts. I'm more then half deaf, it is so annoying not being able to hear like everyone else. It is something that can be a disability it is for me. It sets me apart from other like at work and I don't hear as well as others. It sucks just saying. My parents acted like I was no different and would get mad if I didn't hear them, even though I had a valid reason I didn't always hear them.
I chose that example because it can be as controversial as circing, vaxing, spanking... . I just think no matter what we do, people look at it from the outside and make judgements without knowing our thoughts, feelings, motivations, or what research went into our decision. Parenting, for me, has been a humbling experience which has caused me to reevaluate my snap judgements of others based on limited interactions and rarely knowing the whole story. I hate the assumption that "different" = "wrong" when it comes to parenting, I try really hard to avoid "parenting prejudice". Some things others do I don't agree with, but they get to raise their children and I get to raise mine

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Old 10-09-2012, 10:20 AM   #32
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Re: Parenting style: Raising a person

I have birthed my children in hospitals, and thanks to their equipment and training, my youngest son is still alive.

I fully vaccinate my kids. On schedule. Even the flu shot. I researched the choices heavily, and I am confident that it is the right choice for our family.

We use positive parenting, but on rare occasion we do spank.

We are really restrictive on things like TV because I don't agree with most of what's available for children to watch, and I'd rather have my children playing anyway.

We are also pretty particular about food.

We raise our children up in the Christian church, and teach them about God. It isn't brainwashing. It is my DUTY as a Christian parent. Our children know that God loves them, and they are happy to tell others about him. In my opinion, knowing what I know, it would be neglectful to not train them up in the Word.

My ways are different than yours OP, but I'm doing the same thing you are. I'm raising a person. (Well actually, 2, soon to be 3, people.) And just because I do it differently doesn't mean I am any less awesome of a parent.
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Old 10-09-2012, 11:38 AM   #33
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Re: Parenting style: Raising a person

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Originally Posted by addicteddad View Post
Confirmation bias is the term that accurately describes this tendency. Nearly impossible to fully escape.

I like this guy, but I fear the honesty displayed regarding religion is going to ruffle the sensitive feathers on this board.
Thanks, I didn't know there was a specific term

TBH, I actually thought he was you when I first read it, with a different screen name. You both seem to have a very straight forward, honest style and similar views. I can see where he's coming from with religion, but I'd rather look at someone's intentions with their child, than their final decision. That includes religion. If you truly believe your child will burn for eternity if he's not baptized, you would be an AWFUL parent if you didn't do it, kwim? I get it. I don't agree, at all, but I understand.

Although.....I will put in a quote from Richard Dawkins made after 9/11 that I nod my head with every time I read it and say that I understand his lack of respect for religion as well:

"My last vestige of 'hands off religion' respect disappeared as I watched the "Day of Prayer" in Washington Cathedral. Then there was the even more nauseating prayer-meeting in the New York stadium, where prelates and pastors did their tremulous Martin Luther King impersonation and urged people of mutually incompatible faiths to hold hands in homage to the very force that caused the problem in the first place."

I get this too. I just don't think being compassionate and understanding someone's intentions equates to respecting their religion. Then again, what do intentions matter if the results of religion are so horrific. It's a subject that just goes round and round with no real solution.

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Originally Posted by mibarra View Post
I chose that example because it can be as controversial as circing, vaxing, spanking... . I just think no matter what we do, people look at it from the outside and make judgements without knowing our thoughts, feelings, motivations, or what research went into our decision. Parenting, for me, has been a humbling experience which has caused me to reevaluate my snap judgements of others based on limited interactions and rarely knowing the whole story. I hate the assumption that "different" = "wrong" when it comes to parenting, I try really hard to avoid "parenting prejudice". Some things others do I don't agree with, but they get to raise their children and I get to raise mine
It's IS a humbling experience! I think coexistence is the best goal we can have in every area of life.

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Old 10-09-2012, 01:16 PM   #34
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Re: Parenting style: Raising a person

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Originally Posted by mibarra View Post
Parenting, for me, has been a humbling experience which has caused me to reevaluate my snap judgements of others based on limited interactions and rarely knowing the whole story. I hate the assumption that "different" = "wrong" when it comes to parenting, I try really hard to avoid "parenting prejudice".
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My ways are different than yours OP, but I'm doing the same thing you are. I'm raising a person. (Well actually, 2, soon to be 3, people.) And just because I do it differently doesn't mean I am any less awesome of a parent.
I want to have a party with these 2 posts
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Old 10-09-2012, 01:27 PM   #35
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Re: Parenting style: Raising a person

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicolemariep View Post
I have birthed my children in hospitals, and thanks to their equipment and training, my youngest son is still alive.

I fully vaccinate my kids. On schedule. Even the flu shot. I researched the choices heavily, and I am confident that it is the right choice for our family.

We use positive parenting, but on rare occasion we do spank.

We are really restrictive on things like TV because I don't agree with most of what's available for children to watch, and I'd rather have my children playing anyway.

We are also pretty particular about food.

We raise our children up in the Christian church, and teach them about God. It isn't brainwashing. It is my DUTY as a Christian parent. Our children know that God loves them, and they are happy to tell others about him. In my opinion, knowing what I know, it would be neglectful to not train them up in the Word.

My ways are different than yours OP, but I'm doing the same thing you are. I'm raising a person. (Well actually, 2, soon to be 3, people.) And just because I do it differently doesn't mean I am any less awesome of a parent.
Excellent post! And just for the record I have come to different conclusions on some things but I agree that we can both be equally awesome parents because we are making the best decision for our kiddos.
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Old 10-09-2012, 03:35 PM   #36
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Re: Parenting style: Raising a person

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicolemariep View Post
I have birthed my children in hospitals, and thanks to their equipment and training, my youngest son is still alive.

I fully vaccinate my kids. On schedule. Even the flu shot. I researched the choices heavily, and I am confident that it is the right choice for our family.

We use positive parenting, but on rare occasion we do spank.

We are really restrictive on things like TV because I don't agree with most of what's available for children to watch, and I'd rather have my children playing anyway.

We are also pretty particular about food.

We raise our children up in the Christian church, and teach them about God. It isn't brainwashing. It is my DUTY as a Christian parent. Our children know that God loves them, and they are happy to tell others about him. In my opinion, knowing what I know, it would be neglectful to not train them up in the Word.

My ways are different than yours OP, but I'm doing the same thing you are. I'm raising a person. (Well actually, 2, soon to be 3, people.) And just because I do it differently doesn't mean I am any less awesome of a parent.
Amen! I agree 100% and pretty much do things about like you!

TBH I kind of feel like the OP is another "my way is the best/my way or the highway". It shuts me down pretty much immediately from listening to anything else. I realize and admit this is my own deal, but never the less a valid thought.
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I want to have a party with these 2 posts
Me too!!!
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Old 10-09-2012, 04:38 PM   #37
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Re: Parenting style: Raising a person

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I want to have a party with these 2 posts
I grabbed the exact same quotes earlier, with similar intentions. Now, I will just quote you.
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Old 10-09-2012, 07:03 PM   #38
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Re: Parenting style: Raising a person

I've been able to see where I made my mistake in attempting to explain a style of parenting. My parenting style is not about the individual choices I make as a parent, my style is in relation to how I came to make those choices. I'm not even suggesting that using my method of making those choices would come to the same conclusions given the circumstance of the individual situation.

Raising a person, as I call it, rather than raising a child means that you attempt to work backwards from the adult you are trying to create to decide the method in which you use to nurture that person. I imagine my son being an adult and having an imaginary conversation with that person. I ask him questions about what he would like me to do when it came to the varying issues that we as parents have to deal with. For example when it came to discipline I asked him "When you do something that I disagree with or find socially unacceptable how would you like me to teach you that this is not acceptable?" Then I imagine my imaginary grown son's answer. However I think that person would respond is how I make my choice on what to do in relation to that situation.

My post was never about the many individual topics of raising a child, it was how I came to those conclusions. If when you imagine your child and ask the adult that will be him/her would you "want me to do this, would you want me to do that" and you feel that they would agree with your choices then you agree with me 100%, as our children will be different people so will their answers. As an adult now I personally would have chosen to never be hit by my parents, I would have preferred that they used a different method. I have met adults that have said that they deserved to be hit and it is the only thing that kept them in line and that without it they would not have made it out of childhood.

Once again my post was never about my individual choices. It is about how I came to those conclusions.
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Old 10-09-2012, 09:41 PM   #39
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^^ that clears up a lot for me. Thanks for the additional explanation. I totally agree and often consider what kind of adult I want my daughter to become. Every time I feel an urge to punish and contain her to stop her (admittedly exhausting) toddler behavior, I stop and consider that she is exploring and learning by doing. I want her to keep that confidence and that curiosity and that desire to experiment and explore. I think of the Randy Pausch "last lecture" and how he says to let your kid draw on their bedroom wall. I want her to be a dynamic person who follows her bliss, a free spirit, not a perfect rule follower. To me stuff like vaccination, diapering, birth choices, etc are much less important than this basic idea in parenting. I know it is how I was (mostly) raised and how I imagine she wants to be raised.

It is very poignant for me with my DD because she is SO strong willed. I can so imagine an authoritarian parenting approach just breaking her spirit and causing emotionl rift. She is not compliant by nature. I love her exactly the way she is and I hope she will be served well by her high energy and willpower, and I hope to avoid coercion and power struggles with her.
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:05 AM   #40
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Re: Parenting style: Raising a person

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Originally Posted by dissidentdad View Post
I've been able to see where I made my mistake in attempting to explain a style of parenting. My parenting style is not about the individual choices I make as a parent, my style is in relation to how I came to make those choices. I'm not even suggesting that using my method of making those choices would come to the same conclusions given the circumstance of the individual situation.

Raising a person, as I call it, rather than raising a child means that you attempt to work backwards from the adult you are trying to create to decide the method in which you use to nurture that person. I imagine my son being an adult and having an imaginary conversation with that person. I ask him questions about what he would like me to do when it came to the varying issues that we as parents have to deal with. For example when it came to discipline I asked him "When you do something that I disagree with or find socially unacceptable how would you like me to teach you that this is not acceptable?" Then I imagine my imaginary grown son's answer. However I think that person would respond is how I make my choice on what to do in relation to that situation.

My post was never about the many individual topics of raising a child, it was how I came to those conclusions. If when you imagine your child and ask the adult that will be him/her would you "want me to do this, would you want me to do that" and you feel that they would agree with your choices then you agree with me 100%, as our children will be different people so will their answers. As an adult now I personally would have chosen to never be hit by my parents, I would have preferred that they used a different method. I have met adults that have said that they deserved to be hit and it is the only thing that kept them in line and that without it they would not have made it out of childhood.

Once again my post was never about my individual choices. It is about how I came to those conclusions.
I think many people do this, TBH. Although, I am not sure I am creating the adult. More, creating the environment for the adult to develop. I also think almost every adult would change something about how they have been raised. We can try all we like, but our kids will have different viewpoints and perspective when they have grown. Sort of a vicious cycle, no?

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Originally Posted by shen7 View Post
It is very poignant for me with my DD because she is SO strong willed. I can so imagine an authoritarian parenting approach just breaking her spirit and causing emotionl rift. She is not compliant by nature. I love her exactly the way she is and I hope she will be served well by her high energy and willpower, and I hope to avoid coercion and power struggles with her.
This is exactly the situation I am in with my daughter. The way I pictured myself parenting, prior to children and even in her young infancy, is not conducive with the way she needs to be parented. Former me would have squashed her spirit like a bug because of my perceptions about what kids need and how I would have parented. Having had multiple kids, I realize that although the over-riding ethics and beliefs remain constant, different children need to be parented differently. In our house, effective parenting means recognizing what each child needs to reach his or her full potential, and striving to give it to him or her. We often say, fair is not about everyone getting the same, but about everyone getting what they need.
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