Parenting style: Raising a person

[dissidentdad]

I'm sorry, I am just trying to understand where you are coming from. Both of your examples miss the mark for me. When it comes to whether your child is gay or not, since I believe that someone's sexual preference is as set as their hair color, the only opinion that is relevant is hers and not respecting her opinion can only lead to resentment and internal conflict (I have to assume we are referring to someone who has reached the age that they have sexual desire and not a six year old).

As far as how someone deals with loss of a loved one, the way they will feel about it and deal with the issue in the moment and shortly after during the grieving period can only be affected prior to the sad event, attempting to invalidate how someone feels at the crest of these difficult emotions once again will only build resentment and internal conflict. There is a scene in a movie called 'Parenthood' where a six year old girl is freaking out about bugs being zapped and killed by an electric bug zapper. Attempting to alter the way she dealt with the emotions would be impossible, the work on her psyche should have been done prior to.

[mcpforever]

Originally Posted by dissidentdad I find your bolded statement to be the core of our differences in how we see the world and therefore also our in how we plan to raise our children. I spent time in the Army, and I agree military service is not for everyone and not everyone that serves applies the values they are taught. I will always place the mission first, I will never accept defeat, I will never quit, I will never leave a fallen comrade. These are core values that I apply to every single aspect of my life. The idea that there is any aspect of parenting that is impossible to understand fully given enough effort fills me with emotions that if I described here would get me banned from the site.

I believe you would make history if you could do such a thing. Often children/teens themselves don't know the answer to questions that we seek to answer in them, so how could we manage to figure out what they themselves don't truly know?

I am not happysmiley, but her point makes sense to me. I cannot speak for her, but I wouldn't presume to be able to guide or control the actual emotions, nor would I seek to dismiss them. As a parent, though I would be bound to help my child learn how to work through the emotions and how to express them in an appropriate manner. Basically, I am responsible for teaching my child how to act when faced with whatever emotions come up. The example of grief is perfect in that we teach our children different ways to grieve (crying, remembering, writing, etc.) and how not to grieve (lashing out at those who love us, completely withdrawing,).

[dissidentdad]

Every person who has made history set out by doing one thing first, trying something that hadn't already been done.

I agree that rage is never an appropriate reaction to the death of a loved one, anger (which is an emotion and needs to be learned ) on the other hand, in the case of an unnecessary preventable death, can be the correct emotion. Also, crying is not required, neither is the mandatory sharing of your emotions, and often times this is where lashing out comes from, being required to act the way other people feel is appropriate. There is also a difference between completely withdrawing in the fashion of depression, and the want for quiet personal introspection.

[mcpforever]

Originally Posted by dissidentdad Every person who has made history set out by doing one thing first, trying something that hadn't already been done. I agree that rage is never an appropriate reaction to the death of a loved one, anger (which is an emotion and needs to be learned ) on the other hand, in the case of an unnecessary preventable death, can be the correct emotion. Also, crying is not required, neither is the mandatory sharing of your emotions, and often times this is where lashing out comes from, being required to act the way other people feel is appropriate. There is also a difference between completely withdrawing in the fashion of depression, and the want for quiet personal introspection.

Yup. I agree with this all. I think this is what happysmiley was getting at though. Or at least what I took from it.

My main point was simply that as parents, we guide the actions and behaviors which are not the same as guiding the emotions. We teach them how to express them in the most effective way (for them as an individual) and in ways that aren't destructive to themselves or those around them. Is this a sign of us wanting to control our children or make them extensions of ourselves?

ETA: This entire thread reminds me of the Parenting Day I attended yesterday at my son's school. They introduced us to this new program called "The Leader in Me" and told us how awesome it is and how it would change the entire culture of the school. Then they showed us how it works, the concepts behind it, etc. It's the same thing I've seen in schools and homes since I was a kid. It's just been repackaged and the buzz words have changed from individual to leader. It's still the same basic concept.

[happysmileylady]

Real life example for me right now to try to explain how I mean.


I am due to give birth to my 4th child any day now. (any minute now?) My oldest is having a hard time with it. She's dealing with lots of mixed emotions.

My job as a parent is not to take her opinion on what she's feeling just at face value, my job as a parent is to help her identify what she's ACTUALLY feeling to deal with that emotion. She might THINK she's feeling angry, but it's my job to help her figure out if it's actually anger, or if it's fear masking itself as anger. Or if it's both. Or if it's something else completely different like jealousy. Just because my child THINKS she is feeling something, doesn't mean she actually IS. Her lack of experience means she might not be correctly identifying what's going on within herself. My child's lack of experience with life means that she is not automatically the best authority on herself. Shoot, there are a lot of adults who can't correctly identify their own emotions, beliefs, so many of them go to therapists and counselors for exactly that reason. SO of COURSE a child is going to have difficulty with that.

My job as a parent is to put my child's needs first. But, at every age and stage, with all things big and small, I have to understand that what my child thinks she needs might not be what she actually needs. Which means that part of my job is to help her figure out what she actually needs.

[dissidentdad]

I'm going to assume from your signature your children's ages. I don't know your financial situation, but let's assume it's not good (I hope this is not the case). If she was angry at you for bringing another child in to the world when you can barely take care of the ones you have I feel she would have the right to be angry with you. To suggest that people bring other people into the world for only noble reasons is not correct. She may disagree with you but that does not make her wrong, that makes her opinion different than yours.

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by dissidentdad I'm going to assume from your signature your children's ages. I don't know your financial situation, but let's assume it's not good (I hope this is not the case). If she was angry at you for bringing another child in to the world when you can barely take care of the ones you have I feel she would have the right to be angry with you. To suggest that people bring other people into the world for only noble reasons is not correct. She may disagree with you but that does not make her wrong, that makes her opinion different than yours.

Yes, the siggie is correct.

But, not relevant. I am not saying that my child being angry with me is wrong...I am saying that her identification of the emotion AS anger could be. She DOES have some negative emotions about this baby coming. Part of my job as her parent is not to tell her she doesn't have them or that they are wrong. Part of my job as her parent are to help her figure out just which negative emotions they actually ARE. If there is fear, I have to help her figure that out. If there is anger I have to help her figure that out. If there is jealousy, I have to help her figure that out. If there is resentment I have to help her figure that out. I cannot assume that there is no jealousy there, just because she insists there isn't. Because I also know that she is ashamed of feeling jealousy, so she never wants to admit to it. That doesn't mean it's not there. That just means I have to help her identify the emotions that are there.