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Old 10-11-2012, 01:49 AM   #71
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Re: Selfish with your baby

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Originally Posted by luvsviola View Post
I have been reading this thread, and I have one observation...

This thread is very "I" centered with little regard for the feelings of others. IMO, it takes a village, and there is something to be said for family dynamics and not coming off as a controlling person, too.

I see a lot of people on DS spending a ton of time complaining about their family not wanting to be involved with them. Then I read threads like this where people write "I can't stand when people want to hold and love on my baby. I don't want anyone to come see us."

If you treat them that way when baby is small, those hurt feelings don't just go away because baby got older. Of course they are resentful! Instead of just thinking about what "I" want, it may be wise to step back and see how you are making others in your life feel, because you may need their help and support later, and they will remember the day you wouldn't let them near the baby because you "couldn't stand for anyone else to hold her."
Exactly my feelings all along. But I felt if I said it out loud, I'd be judged for not being a mama bear.

You are right, those hurt feelings linger on for years and when DILs want grandmas to take care of the child, it is but normal for them to not show any interest. Like my mom used to say "Yeah, so now that she wants to go back to work, son asks me to take care of the 2y baby. Where was the love when she wouldnt let me hold the infant for more than a minute, where she wouldnt let me enjoy with my first grandchild-at 11mos- for more than an hour? And now if I decline to do so I'll be the bad MIL/grandma who will not take care of her GD. Grandma comes into picture only when she needs her for free babysitting."

She did of course look after my niece with a lot of love, but brother got a job in a diff city and they moved. We havent seen much of them since.

I guess it all just boils down to trust. Unless the family members are smokers/on drugs/alcoholics/sick or dont have patience with kids, I cant wrap my head around the possessiveness, esp'lly towards ILs. That baby is as much their son's newborn as it is your family's. It is their flesh too.

DS1 and I had a rocky start. He was sleep the day and up all night baby, would take 45mins to feed, wouldnt burp easily, and was generally a very aware and want-to-see everything bright eyed infant. Wore me out as a first time mom. I was home from the hosp. and ILs came to see their 5th grandchild. He had just been fed and was fussy -needing to be burped. FIL offered to take him and I went off to take a nap.

I woke up to MIL nudging me awake saying "Rushabh is hungry. Get up"
It wasnt just a short nap,I had apparently slept for 4h straight! And they took care of him all along, changed him when he'd pooped (I was slightly guilty, since I used cloth and I wasnt sure if they would feel icky about it) burped him and he'd napped on and off.

And that 4h interaction, set the seeds of their love towards DS1. FIL used to visit us often -every 4-5mos-just to spend time with DS1. He stayed at my ILs for 10days when DS2 was born and for a month during his summer holidays. He's destructive and messy and yet they love him a lot.

Its a very gratifying thing, warms my cockles! THough MIL and I have a passive-aggressive relationship, DH is glad that I havent made our kids the pawns in this relationship.

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Old 10-11-2012, 03:16 AM   #72
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I do NOT want people holding my babies until they are at least a few months old. I always dread the "food drop off" because I know it's sort of expected to let them cuddle baby while they are there. This time around, I just stopped offering even when they'd drop hints. If it was family asking, I'd say "she JUSt fell asleep and I don't want to wake her" or something like that. Don't care, MY baby, you can wait. And absolutely NO kids holding baby until 3-4 months old. My midwife (yes, midwife!!) brought her 9 year old over for my post partum visit and kept saying her daughter tagged along alllll day to her appointments just to see and hold my baby. When I didn't give in, she finally whispered "can you just let her hold her for a minute?" I said no and gave some excuse I can't remember now. Sadly, if I ever have another I will not use her as my midwife because that pissed me off so much.
Still reading through all the posts but had to say, this is SOOOOOOOO INAPPROPRIATE!!'

Gah!!

I wouldn't hire her back either!
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Old 10-11-2012, 03:25 AM   #73
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This thread just created an "aha!" moment for me! I never want to hold people's newborn babies, ever. I bring food, bring gifts, take pics, but never ever hold the baby! There are several reasons why (I'm a bit of a germaphobe, and don't want to make baby sick!), but I just realized a big reason is that I don't like to share my newborn with others! Glad I'm not the only one.
I'm the same way! When my friends have babies, all I really care about is supporting them in their postpartum healing process and connecting with their own baby. I actually have to have them ask me to hold their babies bc I don't even think to ask... Lol.
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Old 10-11-2012, 03:28 AM   #74
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I love when my friends and family members hold my baby. I love seeing the joy they get from holding her!

We made a point of being sure that we got a picture of my daughter being held by all of her great-grandparents the first time they met her and I'm so glad we did, because one of her great-grandfathers passed away when she was just a few months old and if we hadn't let them hold her right away, we wouldn't have a picture of that precious moment.

Edited for grammar
This. I don't just hand my baby off to anyone... And I don't usually leave that person out of my sight. My family and close friends are a bit different but many church people are. I also keep hand sanitizer around at all times and request hand washing.
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Old 10-11-2012, 03:35 AM   #75
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Re: Selfish with your baby

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Originally Posted by luvsviola View Post
I have been reading this thread, and I have one observation...

This thread is very "I" centered with little regard for the feelings of others. IMO, it takes a village, and there is something to be said for family dynamics and not coming off as a controlling person, too.

I see a lot of people on DS spending a ton of time complaining about their family not wanting to be involved with them. Then I read threads like this where people write "I can't stand when people want to hold and love on my baby. I don't want anyone to come see us."

If you treat them that way when baby is small, those hurt feelings don't just go away because baby got older. Of course they are resentful! Instead of just thinking about what "I" want, it may be wise to step back and see how you are making others in your life feel, because you may need their help and support later, and they will remember the day you wouldn't let them near the baby because you "couldn't stand for anyone else to hold her."
Where's the "thanks", "like", or "rep" button when you need one?

These are my thoughts exactly.

Yes, I feel a need to hold my babies. I wear my babies in public to prevent strangers from touching/asking to hold my babies. OTOH, I also allow friends/family to hold them, even as newbies. However, I've also not had problems with people not giving them back. If baby cries, DH or I get the baby unless we ask the person to keep holding (for example, if I'm currently taking a shower). The one time that someone tried to calm my screaming baby, I just firmly stood up to them and said that my baby needed me right now and they could hold baby again once she was done nursing and had calmed down.

I would not allow smokers (without a full shower and clean clothes), drug-users, anyone drinking, etc to hold my baby, but even nieces who were 2ish, got to hold the newbies for a few seconds with both their mom and me right there. It builds strong family relationships.

I have a wonderful relationship with both my parents and my ILs and they like each other too! My ILs are happy to rearrange their schedule to watch DD when her school is off, but DH and I still have to work, or to watch DS when his daycare is closed (they live 1h15min away, longer in bad traffic). My kids have a wonderful, loving relationship with their grandparents. They also have an even deeper, loving, close relationship with us. I held them most of the time. I am mama. DH held them the next most. He's Dada. However, they also have LOTS of other people who love them too and want to cherish every moment, just like DH and I do. That feeling of being surrounded by a whole community of people who love and care for them is worth letting them be held by others. I want my children to have that feeling.

It is normal to be protective. It is normal to want to hold your baby. However, that feeling should not cripple you nor should it damage the relationships around you.
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Old 10-11-2012, 03:39 AM   #76
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvsviola
I have been reading this thread, and I have one observation...

This thread is very "I" centered with little regard for the feelings of others. IMO, it takes a village, and there is something to be said for family dynamics and not coming off as a controlling person, too.

I see a lot of people on DS spending a ton of time complaining about their family not wanting to be involved with them. Then I read threads like this where people write "I can't stand when people want to hold and love on my baby. I don't want anyone to come see us."

If you treat them that way when baby is small, those hurt feelings don't just go away because baby got older. Of course they are resentful! Instead of just thinking about what "I" want, it may be wise to step back and see how you are making others in your life feel, because you may need their help and support later, and they will remember the day you wouldn't let them near the baby because you "couldn't stand for anyone else to hold her."
I can see both sides of it. I experienced extreme postpartum anxiety after DS was born, but didn't realize that's what it was until years later when DD was born and I didn't experience it with her. Those protective mama best feelings are so overwhelming and intense, and when close family are ONLY focused on holding a newborn baby, especially those first 6 week, it makes sense that it would build into resentment in moms. I'm guessing in cultures/families where the extended family and in-laws come in and help out with maintaining the home and sibling care AND snuggle the baby, it's not as challenging for mom to overcome those anxious feelings and share baby.

For the record, I had horrific anxiety about "sharing" my DS, but I did it anyway bc I knew rationally that it was important for him and for my husband and his family to bond with DS. I was just in absolute postpartum crazy HELL the whole time... Lol.

I do think that my generation of moms are way too possessive as a whole though. Yes, we grew the baby. But we didn't miraculously impregnate ourselves. And we didn't miraculously spontaneously generate ourselves. The baby is just as much a part of our DH, and our IL's and our parents as they are a part of us. And while our babies have a special dependence on us and need for us during that first 3 months especially and the first 2-5 years even developmentally, our role is to build that bond in such a way that shows them there is always enough love to bring more relationships into the circle. There isn't a limit of love that has the be protected or hoarded.
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Old 10-11-2012, 03:42 AM   #77
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And for the record, in case the mama bear's get riled and feel the need to gnaw on me... ;-)

My personal preference is to limit visitors to close family and friends the first 6 weeks, then baby wear to keep strangers and well meaning grabby acquaintances away.

There's nothing more annoying to me than a random person at church suddenly being super interested in talking to me and ogling my newborn when they ignored me for the previous 9 months. Especially if they're coughing.
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Old 10-11-2012, 05:03 AM   #78
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Re: Selfish with your baby

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Originally Posted by BeccaSueCongdon View Post
I can see both sides of it. I experienced extreme postpartum anxiety after DS was born, but didn't realize that's what it was until years later when DD was born and I didn't experience it with her. Those protective mama best feelings are so overwhelming and intense, and when close family are ONLY focused on holding a newborn baby, especially those first 6 week, it makes sense that it would build into resentment in moms. I'm guessing in cultures/families where the extended family and in-laws come in and help out with maintaining the home and sibling care AND snuggle the baby, it's not as challenging for mom to overcome those anxious feelings and share baby.

For the record, I had horrific anxiety about "sharing" my DS, but I did it anyway bc I knew rationally that it was important for him and for my husband and his family to bond with DS. I was just in absolute postpartum crazy HELL the whole time... Lol.

I do think that my generation of moms are way too possessive as a whole though. Yes, we grew the baby. But we didn't miraculously impregnate ourselves. And we didn't miraculously spontaneously generate ourselves. The baby is just as much a part of our DH, and our IL's and our parents as they are a part of us. And while our babies have a special dependence on us and need for us during that first 3 months especially and the first 2-5 years even developmentally, our role is to build that bond in such a way that shows them there is always enough love to bring more relationships into the circle. There isn't a limit of love that has the be protected or hoarded.
Yes!

I've mentioned before, my IL's and I get along perfectly fine when I don't have a nb, and even through that we see them at least once a week, and they DO hold my children. I guess when contrasting with MY family, my family comes to see our FAMILY, not just the baby. They are not focused on getting as much time holding the baby as possible, in taking the baby and walking away to another part of the room or house. When they do hold the baby, they sit right next to me and talk about how things are going, we share the experience of the new baby together. They don't hold the baby for 20 minutes, or insist on trying to put them to sleep.

When my first was 10 days old, my husband went back to work, I had a broken tailbone, a 4th degree tear, mastitis and could hardly walk from the pain. My FIL showed up without calling brought HIS mom and asked if they could come in and hold the baby. My house was a mess and I was so overwhelmed I told him no it wouldn't be a good time. In contrast my mom asked if she could do some grocery shopping for me and take me to the dr for my mastitis since I couldn't drive yet. She held the baby while I was at my appointment and helped me do the dishes and make some lunch when she brought me home.

To me, it is totally inappropriate to feel some sort of ownership over someone's baby. Grandchild or not. My kids have a GREAT relationship with my IL's, we have never denied them from spending time with our kids (when appropriate), but their attitude of entitlement and ownership over our children is troubling as babies.

We see my family just as often, but as I mentioned before, their main goal isn't to get the baby away from me, or see who can have the most time holding the baby. We all interact together, and yes they get to hold the baby too, but they don't run off with the baby or make it known that the point of their visit is just for the baby.
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Old 10-11-2012, 05:18 AM   #79
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Yes!

I've mentioned before, my IL's and I get along perfectly fine when I don't have a nb, and even through that we see them at least once a week, and they DO hold my children. I guess when contrasting with MY family, my family comes to see our FAMILY, not just the baby. They are not focused on getting as much time holding the baby as possible, in taking the baby and walking away to another part of the room or house. When they do hold the baby, they sit right next to me and talk about how things are going, we share the experience of the new baby together. They don't hold the baby for 20 minutes, or insist on trying to put them to sleep.

When my first was 10 days old, my husband went back to work, I had a broken tailbone, a 4th degree tear, mastitis and could hardly walk from the pain. My FIL showed up without calling brought HIS mom and asked if they could come in and hold the baby. My house was a mess and I was so overwhelmed I told him no it wouldn't be a good time. In contrast my mom asked if she could do some grocery shopping for me and take me to the dr for my mastitis since I couldn't drive yet. She held the baby while I was at my appointment and helped me do the dishes and make some lunch when she brought me home.

To me, it is totally inappropriate to feel some sort of ownership over someone's baby. Grandchild or not. My kids have a GREAT relationship with my IL's, we have never denied them from spending time with our kids (when appropriate), but their attitude of entitlement and ownership over our children is troubling as babies.

We see my family just as often, but as I mentioned before, their main goal isn't to get the baby away from me, or see who can have the most time holding the baby. We all interact together, and yes they get to hold the baby too, but they don't run off with the baby or make it known that the point of their visit is just for the baby.
I've seen people do that too, walk off to another room with the baby for who knows why. I know it's not for anything unseemly. I just don't get why they go off and hide. It's weird.
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Old 10-11-2012, 06:03 AM   #80
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I've seen people do that too, walk off to another room with the baby for who knows why. I know it's not for anything unseemly. I just don't get why they go off and hide. It's weird.
I'm pretty sure it's because they want to calm
The baby themselves without mother intervening. Either that, or to remove them from stimuli to a calmer, quieter space. I guess the intention really depends On the person.
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