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Old 10-14-2012, 10:42 AM   #11
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Have you talked to him about the fact that a good doula us a sport for the couple not just mon? I know many dads worry that if this woman who knows about birth is there then dad will have no purpose. Have you tried going the route if, "I really need you there" instead of "fine I'll do it without you!"

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Old 10-14-2012, 10:43 AM   #12
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Re: have you birthed alone?

I'm sorry your husband is not being supportive. I think since you are the one giving birth you are the one to decide what you want. But you do need to talk to him and find out what is at the root of his being difficult. Perhaps he is scared he's going to be pushed to the side and not get to be part of anything. Perhaps it's just the money. But you need to be firm with him and make him talk. Tell him you are giving birth, you are going through the pain and so you want the doula, he can choose to be a part of it or he can risk missing the most important moment in his child's life by being stubborn. And you shouldn't be worried about the bonding he should.
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Old 10-14-2012, 10:58 AM   #13
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Re: have you birthed alone?

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Thank you, back of the toilet is excellent. He was in and out of doula interview. He said it was just a way for me to get affirmation of my previous birth experience.
I should rephrase my question:
Has anyone banned their H from birth and been happy with the family bonding g results afterwards?
I'm sorry your husband is not being supportive. I think it's hard for most men to wrap their head around what labor and birth is to us. It becomes way more then just pushing out a baby. The whole experience is memories for a life time. With that being said I think it's unfair for you to exclude him from the experience of watching his child be born. I don't see how you can ban him then expect to be a happy family. Those expectations are unrealistic. I would try approaching the subject from a different angle and try to let him know how you feel about how he is being in a open and honest way. Most men become defensive when we charge in telling them what is wrong with their behavior so I suggest you just let him know how he makes YOU feel when your trying to talk about this stuff. Sounds like this isn't so much a birthing plan problem but a marriage communication problem. Hope you guys are able to talk about things soon and come to a solution that your both happy with
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Old 10-14-2012, 10:34 PM   #14
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Re: have you birthed alone?

I think banning him from the hospital, if he wants to be there is going to hurt your marriage hard!
However, I can understand your reasons. My mom is *SO* unsupportive when I was in my labors, that we agreed that next births she will not attend! We'll have her watch the other kids so she still feels involved or something, but she's great at making things about HER.

I don't know you or your husband, but I would ask him what it means to him that you want a doula. Maybe he feels replaced or that he's not good enough for you that you need to PAY someone to have your back.
My DH is horrible with communication and he was upset that I wanted to spend money on hypnobirthing, but he doesn't understand the emotional aspect of women going into labor. It's HUGE for women, not just a "gotta go do this" and be home again type of thing.

Try talking to him how HE feels about her being there and why he's so against it!
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Old 10-14-2012, 11:15 PM   #15
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Re: have you birthed alone?

What exactly is he against? And, on the other side, what is his idea of a "perfect" birth for you? Are you hoping to have a homebirth or were you thinking of going with a hospital birth w/o an epi? I think rather than just banning him altogether (which IMO is a recipe for disaster) you really need to figure out what he's opposed to.

I had a long labor + lots of hospital interventions (epi, pitocin, etc) that I didn't want last time. This time around, I'm researching as much as I can and preparing myself to go without an epi. When I told DH this, his reaction was "you know you won't get a medal for going natural" I had to explain to him that it wasn't about me trying to prove anything, it was about me experiencing labor/childbirth the way I wanted. After a long talk, we've come to a compromise that will work for us.

I agree with previous posters that said you should come at it from a different angle. Tell him that you can't have him standing in the corner while you labor, and let him know what you need from him. Also, be prepared to hear what he has to say and help ease any fears he might have about you going natural.
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Old 10-15-2012, 02:28 PM   #16
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Re: have you birthed alone?

Thank you for that "head against the wall" graphic lenmont!! When I said I wanted to go natural(hospital no epi) he actually said he was going to "laugh his *** off" at me. He has also commented when watching a csection in a movie "how can you complain about recovery " I stopped him before he could say anything more stupid...as the mother got up and ran around a spaceship!
So you can see why I have stopped trying to talk to him and I just sit around waiting fir him to read my very logical, statistic based birth preference letter(that i put in the bathroom)
Yes obviously we have a failure to communicate that is deeper than this issue.
An OB & nurse are there to keep mother and baby alive. A sig other is there for love & support. A doula is there to help the mother thrum labor & delivery.
I wish I could have put it that simply in the beginning.
cross your fingers for me ladies that he will read this letter sometime soon & through the straightforward nonemotional use of black ink on white paper. At the end of the day we wantthesame thing. Happy mom-happy baby.
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Old 10-15-2012, 02:45 PM   #17
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Re: have you birthed alone?

I labored alone for the majority of my very first labor. I was very young and didn't have any support. My mom essentially dropped me off at the hospital, signed the papers for the induction and left. She came back for me to push but that was it.

Honestly? I liked that labor more than the other two that I had. It was almost peaceful.

I can't imagine telling my husband he couldn't be there though. I don't see how that would be a good thing for a marriage.
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Old 10-21-2012, 02:54 PM   #18
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Re: have you birthed alone?

After many weeks of badgering, nudging, educating(depending on who's side you are on) the H has agreed that hiring a doula is good idea!!! The baby and I are doing flips of joy & relief.
I can now say I might be an expert on doula conversion.
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:57 PM   #19
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Re: have you birthed alone?

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After many weeks of badgering, nudging, educating(depending on who's side you are on) the H has agreed that hiring a doula is good idea!!! The baby and I are doing flips of joy & relief.
I can now say I might be an expert on doula conversion.
Fantastic!!!
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:49 AM   #20
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Re: have you birthed alone?

I labored alone for both of my labors. I prefer it, which is a little ironic since I'm a doula. I had planned a doula and to have my husband there the first time, but it just turned out that I was happier by myself, and I kept letting him sleep. By the time I woke him up, I realized that birth was nearly imminent. We made it to the hospital, just barely.

So the second time around I felt like my labor probably went quicker because I was alone and just focusing on myself and no one else. Not everyone is comfortable with this, but I think that a lot of women would have quicker labors without most people around. Maybe even if women were left alone, as long as they had confidence in themselves, their births would be faster and easier. So I made it clear to my midwife with my son that I wanted to be left alone during my labor. It was fast again, but I pretty much just laid in my tub by myself, listening to music. The midwife came in when she heard me start to push, so then I wasn't alone, but the majority of the time I was, and I like it that way.

So, I really feel that as long as you are confident in your ability to give birth, you will be fine being alone, but this is much harder to do in a hospital. Both times I labored at home, where it's easier to be alone. (even though there were lots of people there the second time; they just didn't interact with me during the labor because I asked them not to).
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