Am I horrible for WANTING a repeat c/s?

[ArmyWifeBethany]

Ok, a little background:

I had a great pregnancy. No morning sickness, no problems, it was perfect...until it wasn't. I had my DD at 38 weeks (on Thanksgiving Day). It all started the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, when I blacked out while grocery shopping. I knew something was horribly wrong, so I checked into the hospital, where they discovered I had late-onset, severe preeclampsia. I was cath'ed, put on magnesium, and given Pitocin to try to have a natural birth. I was unable to have an epidural due to a previous back surgery, so I felt everything. I labored for 2 days straight with no pain medication, while also being on 26 drops of Pitocin an hour (the highest dose they're legally allowed to give). It was horrific, and I stalled at 6cm for the last 12 hours of labor. I wasn't allowed to walk or move around due to being on magnesium. However, I was determined to keep trying, until my midwife (who I love dearly) had a heart-to-heart with me and told me my BP was out of control (220/110), and I was putting myself in extreme danger by continuing to labor. The magnesium was becoming ineffective, and I started having some crazy hallucinations. On top of that, my daughter's stats were declining, and I was exhausted. I finally gave in to a semi-emergency c-section, was able to have a spinal, and I was conscious during the operation. It was wonderful, and as soon as she was born, my BP regulated, and all was right in the world....or so I thought.

Fast forward 6 hours later, and I had a massive hemorrhage (lost 40% of my blood). The on-call OB had to manually go in and remove all the clots, all while pushing down on my new incision. All I remember was bloody murder screaming, and I blacked out again...this time from the pain. I was white as a ghost, and I slept for almost 12 hours straight afterwards. Since I delivered at a baby-friendly hospital, the nurses did everything they could to help me with breastfeeding, but it was to no avail. Due to all the interventions (mag, Pitocin, c-section, plus the hemorrhage), my milk never came in. Overall, it was an awful experience. The only positive things were that I recovered very quickly, and I was able to save my placenta to have it encapsulated.

Fast forward to today -- DH and I are beginning the process of TTC our next child. I plan to have my IUD removed in the next month or so. I know a lot of mamas are pro-VBAC, but I really think I want a scheduled, repeat c-section. Due to all the complications from my last delivery, I don't want to go through a similar experience (induction, no pain meds, etc) only to have to have another emergency c-section. I'd rather schedule the surgery and have a shot at breastfeeding. Being unable to breastfeed the first time was very hard for me. Am I horrible for wanting this? Looking back on my first birth, I almost wish I'd elected to have a c-section as soon as I got to the hospital and avoided all of the trauma I went through. I just feel like I deserve an easier experience after last time. Thoughts?

Thanks for reading