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Old 10-28-2012, 05:08 PM   #1
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Question Hurtful comments about family size...

I'm just curious if any of you have had family/close friends who have an opinion about how many children you have and/or when you have them and how you might deal with rude/hateful comments in a Christlike/positive manner. We want a large family, but there are people I love who have a strong opinion about how many kids we have and are not hesitant at all to say what they think or to gossip about us with other family members. It's really sad because every time we've added a child after our first, people would say hurtful things that I would NEVER want my kids to know. The latest comment when I mentioned having to buy a new house if we had another child was, "God forbid!" Hm. How do you let those things roll of your back when they come from people you love? Do you "warn" your family ahead of time that you are planning to have more children? Do you avoid telling them you are expecting to avoid hateful comments? My thought is to tell them with so much joy that they can't help but be happy, too, but some people are just plain nasty, so that may not work.

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Old 10-28-2012, 05:16 PM   #2
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Re: Hurtful comments about family size...

Just keep letting it roll off the back! Say "we are blessed" and the like. People are going to think what they think and just let time change their minds (as they see you joyfully raise your children). I have a few aunts and uncles talk negatively about our family size and we only have 4! Some of my family is concerned about my health due to pregnancies/c-sections and get worried when we have babies and will voice their concern (I think that feels worse than negative comments... maybe because it's more made out of love and worry).

I talk with certain family members about ouir plans about children because I value their input. I wouldn't "warn" anyone.
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Old 10-30-2012, 10:37 AM   #3
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I get comments all the time about my triplets. They are my only kids so I don't feel like a have a lot per se. The comments I get most I usually have a response ready. People always say, "your hands must be full". I say, "better full than empty" or "full hand, full heart". Sometimes I am taken aback by comments and usually just stare blankly at them an hope they realize how stupid they sound. Ultimately my husband is my family and we will grow OUR FAMILY. If any extended family or close friend has an opinion they are entitled to have it, I am entitled to have mine, too. My friends and extended family aren't paying for, raising, giving birth to, feeding, caring for my children so I do t see why my family's size should be of much concern to them.
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:15 PM   #4
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Re: Hurtful comments about family size...

My whole family is full of opinions, I'm still working on how to deal with them.
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Old 11-01-2012, 05:56 AM   #5
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Re: Hurtful comments about family size...

We deal with that some and honestly I struggle with the "peer pressure" I feel. But, I'm reminded that my dh and I are the only ones qualified to make the decision about our family size. We feel that God has called us to this and we answer to HIM, not anyone else. We do not ask anyone else to raise our children or support them financially so it's not really up to them. I still struggle with other's opinions but I'm learning to let it roll of my back so to speak.

I will say that I'm very careful not to complain about my circumstances when I'm around others. I try to remain very upbeat and positive about our family. I don't dare complain or act as if my children are a burden or it will just add fuel to their fire.

Big families are very foreign to many people these days. Most of the world lives in fear about the economy and all that's going on in this world and just don't understand how big families make it. For us it's a matter of faith and a lot of people don't get that. It's not my job to make them understand although I will make comments such as "it's God's economy and I just trust that he will provide". We have our ups and downs but we consider ourselves to be very blessed. Our children love being a part of a big family and wouldn't have it any other way (they are normal and do argue with each other but that's just part of the territory).

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. It's so hard to look different in this world but I'm storing up my treasures in heaven as my oldest son once reminded me. Blessings to you on your journey! It helps to have encouragement from others who have btdt.
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Old 11-01-2012, 11:02 AM   #6
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Re: Hurtful comments about family size...

When we were young (sigh), our family thought we were very irresponsible to keep "having" children (and most were devout Catholic). After having my tubes tied, mostly due to pressure and my own sense of "am I doing the right thing"? I was devastated. However my family was VERY relieved and chatted about their relief to everyone they knew 12 years later I had a reversal (quietly and without advertising to the fam) and our newest is 3.5. We are older parents of 8 children, I'm almost 45 and dh 53 and we have learned a few things. Our children are a joy and our Little Big Boy is the light of EVERYONE'S life and our family can't get enough of him. Knowing what I know now, I would NEVER have let others comments get under my skin (although they may hurt). We got the same thing when we started homeschooling (over 20 years ago it was NOT popular) and we were the subject of everyone's conversation, we were strange and unreasonable... but today our family brags about it and how it is such a "positive thing". I don't know why people expect their opinions to change others, I'm sorry people are hurtful, but remember this: It DOES get better and as time passes you will be happier if you lived your life the way you are led to lead it. Just my
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Old 11-01-2012, 11:49 AM   #7
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Re: Hurtful comments about family size...

I don't have a large family but I come from one. I have 7 siblings. I'm 29 and my youngest brother is 3. I get alot of comments from "friends" of my parents like "don't they know what causes that" etc. I always tell them that if anyone can properly raise 8 kids it's my parents. Even my maternal grandmother makes comments. It's hard but it's really none of their business and not to long ago it was the norm to have 6+ children. My mom has come up with some pretty clever come backs and just rolls with it.
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Old 11-01-2012, 12:24 PM   #8
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Re: Hurtful comments about family size...

Quote:
Originally Posted by oneduckstuck5 View Post
We deal with that some and honestly I struggle with the "peer pressure" I feel. But, I'm reminded that my dh and I are the only ones qualified to make the decision about our family size. We feel that God has called us to this and we answer to HIM, not anyone else. We do not ask anyone else to raise our children or support them financially so it's not really up to them. I still struggle with other's opinions but I'm learning to let it roll of my back so to speak.

I will say that I'm very careful not to complain about my circumstances when I'm around others. I try to remain very upbeat and positive about our family. I don't dare complain or act as if my children are a burden or it will just add fuel to their fire.

Big families are very foreign to many people these days. Most of the world lives in fear about the economy and all that's going on in this world and just don't understand how big families make it. For us it's a matter of faith and a lot of people don't get that. It's not my job to make them understand although I will make comments such as "it's God's economy and I just trust that he will provide". We have our ups and downs but we consider ourselves to be very blessed. Our children love being a part of a big family and wouldn't have it any other way (they are normal and do argue with each other but that's just part of the territory).

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. It's so hard to look different in this world but I'm storing up my treasures in heaven as my oldest son once reminded me. Blessings to you on your journey! It helps to have encouragement from others who have btdt.
I agree with the bolded. Sometimes I forget and complain to my mom and then she starts in on me about how "this is what we chose". My complaint usually stems from having to be in 3 places at one time and not that the kids are actually a burden but she puts that spin on everything. My family is so vocal about us not having any more kids that it really hurts my feelings. I don't think they get how much it hurts though. My kids are amazing and I can't imagine why I wouldn't want more of the same! We also have four girls so we get a lot of the trying for a boy comments.
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Old 11-02-2012, 07:31 AM   #9
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Re: Hurtful comments about family size...

My family is very supportive. Even though most of my generation has chosen to have small families they are all from large ones. They think its wonderful to have a large family as long as its not them I would just get more vocal with your critics and let them know its time to get over it.
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Old 11-02-2012, 08:03 AM   #10
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Re: Hurtful comments about family size...

We are expecting our #6, 5 by birth. Although he was a great big surprise we know that he will be an amazing part of our family. We get a lot of comments from family. Really it is no ones concern. My mom in particular claims support but then makes comments like "we know who wears the pants in that family....nobody" She even says it to friends and business associates regarding the amount of grandchildren they have. There was a thread about this a while ago and a mom said that when people say rude things she just looks at them and says "what an odd thing to say..." I am so going to start using that!
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