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Old 11-07-2012, 10:57 PM   #11
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Re: Asked to be adoptive parent...

I am all for adoption and I really hope this works out in your favor. We have looked into adoption before and it can be heartbreaking to get your hopes up so just be ready because a friend of mine has a cousin who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. We were considering taking the baby then my husband started to have 2nd thoughts once he found out the mother did drugs so the mother found another family had them help her through the whole pregnancy and at the hospital signed the baby over to another family member at the last second instead. Im not telling you this to talk you out of it just be VERY cautious. Another thing to consider is maybe requiring the mother to take birth control education classes, discussing abstinence with her or something along those lines so she doesn't just keep having kids and getting rid of them. This is such a sad situtation and 100% preventable.

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Old 11-09-2012, 01:47 PM   #12
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Re: Asked to be adoptive parent...

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Another thing to consider is maybe requiring the mother to take birth control education classes, discussing abstinence with her or something along those lines so she doesn't just keep having kids and getting rid of them. This is such a sad situtation and 100% preventable.
OK, I'm sorry but this is so super offensive to me. It's not anyone's job to control anyone else's reproductive choices. *Requiring* her to take birth control education classes? Do those kinds of classes even exist? And on what authority would you require that? I can see maybe, MAYBE, offering support if she wanted more information about reproductive choices or birth control (not something I would ever do but I wouldn't cringe at that in the same way), but the way you phrase this sounds so disrespectful to the expectant moms in these situations. Pleasee try and have some compassion for a difficult situation, without making assumptions and judgments. ESPECIALLY if you are going to even consider becoming an adoptive parent. Thanks.
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Old 11-09-2012, 06:32 PM   #13
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Re: Asked to be adoptive parent...

I agree. Odd language. "Getting rid of" generally is a negative way to talk about abortion, but adoption??? Sheesh. Giving up for adoption isn't even an appropriate term! The correct term is placing for adoption or making an adoption plan. Birth control options may be discussed in adoption counseling to see of mom has a plan to have this not happen again, but it certainly isn't the prospective adoptive parents' place to even suggest anything.
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:54 AM   #14
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Re: Asked to be adoptive parent...

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OK, I'm sorry but this is so super offensive to me. It's not anyone's job to control anyone else's reproductive choices. *Requiring* her to take birth control education classes? Do those kinds of classes even exist? And on what authority would you require that? I can see maybe, MAYBE, offering support if she wanted more information about reproductive choices or birth control (not something I would ever do but I wouldn't cringe at that in the same way), but the way you phrase this sounds so disrespectful to the expectant moms in these situations. Pleasee try and have some compassion for a difficult situation, without making assumptions and judgments. ESPECIALLY if you are going to even consider becoming an adoptive parent. Thanks.
Yes, these kinds of classes do exist, and yes, adoptive parents can require them. I personally have conducted dozens of adoptions and have seen it happen several times, particularly in situations when the birthmother was using drugs/alcohol and continually reproducing.

In addition, I have twice seen adoptive parents only consent to adoption if the birthmother agreed to a tubal ligation after the birth (which the adoptive parents funded). In both instances, the birth mothers had been using drugs while pregnant and kept getting pregnant and placing each subsequent child with the same families (two separate families/BMs, same circumstances). The adoptive families were frustrated that the BMs continued to create children only to abuse them in utero, and their children (because they adopted them) would suffer a lifetime of mental/physical disability as a result.

While I agree that it should not be anyone's "job" to control someone else's reproductive choices, the sad truth is that the unborn infants are the ones paying the price. *Someone* needs to protect them, by prevention if necessary.

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Old 11-10-2012, 07:28 AM   #15
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Re: Asked to be adoptive parent...

OP--I hope it all works out well for you! Any chance you could adopt both children, just out of curiosity?

Every state is different, but generall the whole "not living wiht anyone" clause is referring to unrelated adults. It is the state's way of preventing children from being adopted into unstable conditions where the parents were cohabiting but not married and future partners would be coming in and going out of the picture (yes, yes, I know what the divorce rate is and I am not saying cohabiting is unstable, that is just how my state views it). So, here at least, you living with your grandma would be fine. Definitely check with an adoption attorney, though. Are you married? That would probably change it, too.

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Old 11-10-2012, 07:49 AM   #16
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Re: Asked to be adoptive parent...

I would talk to an atty...there is one in our city who handles almost all of them...find one like that. One that knows the ins and outs. This can happen, my cousin met a girl at her garage sale and ended up going to all the Dr appts with her and later adopted the only child she will ever have. Don't get discouraged.
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:46 PM   #17
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Re: Asked to be adoptive parent...

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Yes, these kinds of classes do exist, and yes, adoptive parents can require them. I personally have conducted dozens of adoptions and have seen it happen several times, particularly in situations when the birthmother was using drugs/alcohol and continually reproducing.

In addition, I have twice seen adoptive parents only consent to adoption if the birthmother agreed to a tubal ligation after the birth (which the adoptive parents funded). In both instances, the birth mothers had been using drugs while pregnant and kept getting pregnant and placing each subsequent child with the same families (two separate families/BMs, same circumstances). The adoptive families were frustrated that the BMs continued to create children only to abuse them in utero, and their children (because they adopted them) would suffer a lifetime of mental/physical disability as a result.

While I agree that it should not be anyone's "job" to control someone else's reproductive choices, the sad truth is that the unborn infants are the ones paying the price. *Someone* needs to protect them, by prevention if necessary.
Nope, sorry, I still find it offensive. I understand what you are saying but it smacks of eugenics. I'd be insanely frustrated in that situation too, but I do not believe it's my call. Plenty of drug-exposed babies live happy and productive lives. I have a friend with FAS and she's amazing and an inspiration.

Again, I think it's a conversation that could be worth having, especially in that situation, but I do not believe it's the adoptive parents' place to have it. There's also a difference between saying, "hey I see you keep finding yourself in this position, would you like some support in preventing it from happening in the future?" and using a woman's "consent" as a bargaining ship to adopting her kids.
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Old 11-19-2012, 10:52 PM   #18
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Re: Asked to be adoptive parent...

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OP--I hope it all works out well for you! Any chance you could adopt both children, just out of curiosity?

Every state is different, but generall the whole "not living wiht anyone" clause is referring to unrelated adults. It is the state's way of preventing children from being adopted into unstable conditions where the parents were cohabiting but not married and future partners would be coming in and going out of the picture (yes, yes, I know what the divorce rate is and I am not saying cohabiting is unstable, that is just how my state views it). So, here at least, you living with your grandma would be fine. Definitely check with an adoption attorney, though. Are you married? That would probably change it, too.
The BM's mother is wanting her little girl but doesn't want anything to do with the new baby otherwise the grandma would be kepping both.

We have had a hard month between what my son's dad is doing to him and my brother passing away. I am still looking for the right att in my area. I am not married which causes problems as well.

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I would talk to an atty...there is one in our city who handles almost all of them...find one like that. One that knows the ins and outs. This can happen, my cousin met a girl at her garage sale and ended up going to all the Dr appts with her and later adopted the only child she will ever have. Don't get discouraged.
I'm still on the att hunt. I think I want this to happen to much to give up.
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