Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-14-2012, 09:17 AM   #11
syfitz's Avatar
syfitz
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 7,728
My Mood:
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

I guess I would just let the "no party" ruling stand. I don't really see it as a parenting mistake, though that comes from someone who only occasionally has birthday parties anyway. I think it's probably more upsetting to you than her. Is this the biggest consequence she has ever had? If so, maybe it will have an impact.

My parents cancelled a planned Halloween party because of bad behavior when I was a kid. It did have an impact on my attitude going forward. I had to call my friends and tell them it was cancelled.

Advertisement

__________________
Stacey ~ mama to 3 sweet girls and 1 little prince
syfitz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2012, 09:21 AM   #12
dancermommy1's Avatar
dancermommy1
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,167
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

123 is counting but works for us--but our kid is easy

Mama, you have a tough job! Don't be so hard on yourself!!!
__________________
Bellydancing, Jesus-loving, cloth-diapering ecologist and Mommy to Michael Christopher, born July 8, 2010!!

Please Visit my ETSY store benefiting women and children in poverty! http://www.etsy.com/shop/conspiracyoflove

YOU can make a difference in developing countries, one precious child at a time! http://conspiracy-of-love.blogspot.com
dancermommy1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2012, 09:58 AM   #13
happysmileylady
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,715
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

First, let me ask why it is you think it's a mistake? Is it a mistake because you feel bad that your kid feels bad? Or is it a mistake because you feel like the punishment really doesn't fit the crime? If it's just because you don't like that your kid feels bad, then I say that's not a mistake. If you think it's a mistake because you don't feel like the punishment fits the crime (and honestly, if it's the ongoing issue like you say, then I think the punishment probably does fit the crime,) then I would say you just apologize for overreacting and substitute a more appropriate punishment.

If you just feel bad that the kid feels bad, well I would just let it stand. I wouldn't completely ignore the birthday, I would suggest acknowledging it, perhaps with a special mommy/daughter trip to get ice cream the night of the birthday. But, I think that completely removing all the guests and cake and presents might just be appropriate punishment and I would let it stand.

Now, as to dealing with the tantrums...my teenager has been having teenage tantrums lately. And one thing my mom keeps telling me that I keep forgetting is, it's really hard to have a tantrum with an audience. And it's true. The vast majority of tantrums, especially in the younger set, are about the audience and displaying to EVERYONE just how upset/unhappy/angry the tantruming child is. SO, just don't give the child an audience. Walk away. If they follow, then you send them to their room. If they refuse to go, you pick them up and put them there. And, that's not even a time out or a punishment. It's just..."I am not going to listen to your tantrum. When you are ready to stop throwing a fit and listen to me, then we can talk about XYZ. But until then, you go have your fit somewhere else so I don't have to listen to it." And you do your best to completly ignore it. Which can be next to impossible. But really, that type of response isn't even about stopping the behavior, it's just about not subjecting yourself or anyone else in the house to it.

(it's especially difficult to ignore when your kid begins to scream like a banshee at the top of her lungs like my 4 yr old has taken to doing because she knows that's exactly what pushes my buttons. I still haven't figured out how to stop that)
__________________
Kim-married to Dan
Mama to Caiti (17), Rae Rae (4), Dani Lee(2), and CJ, born 10/12/12.
Stuff From Kim's Kloset That Special Moment Photography Also come check out Swagbucks with me!
happysmileylady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2012, 10:03 AM   #14
MDever
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 6,873
My Mood:
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

First I just have to give you a big ol' hug because dealing with special emotion/mental health needs is beyond hard. I am drowning daily in it myself. I think that there is a difference between acknowledging her birthday and having a party. I would acknowledge her birthday for sure but there would be no guests, decorations, etc. It does suck but leeson learned on your part. It is so hard in the heat of a moment with a challenging child to never set a consequence you don't want to follow through on. Our son is very oppositional and there is no consequence big or bad enough to deter him in the future. Often setting him a consequence is simply punishing the rest of the family We save consequences for serious chiz behavior like hurting people. We do see a therapist twice weekly. I will say I do like 123 magic for some kids and if nothing else it may help you get some perspective about engaging her during a tantrum. I am stubborn by nature and that is often hard for me too.
__________________
Just in case.
MDever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2012, 10:05 AM   #15
dorajoan
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 148
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

Me again. I nannied a 5 year old who threw the most epic tantrums. I second happysmileylady with the ignoring. She wouldn't stay in her room, so I would go in with her, sit inside with her with my back to the door and close my eyes. I would ignore every sound she made and action she did. She would scream and throw things and tug at me for a minute or two, but then she'd stop and I would be able to talk to her.
dorajoan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2012, 10:19 AM   #16
luvsviola's Avatar
luvsviola
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Central Indiana
Posts: 17,103
My Mood:
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

Hugs mama! We are in counseling for DS's tantrums (almost 4). He has an oppositional defiant diagnosis, and sounds a lot like your DD...just can't "earn" things back.

I would get some family counseling. It will make a difference in the way you feel, and the way you feel equipped to deal. Make it at a time your DH can come too.

As for the party, I would wait til she has a good day, and let her "earn" it back by doing great homework or something. Those kind of things are important memories of childhood IMO. I still remember my birthday party in Kindy. We had it at Chuck E Cheese and it was super special.

Come up with a list of consequences mentally, so that next time you need to punish, you already have a mental idea of what you are going to do.

There is a GREAT book called "Parenting the Defiant Child" by Kazdin, which is super helpful. Our developmental pediatrician recommended it, and it is super helping with DS.
__________________
Kristen
Middle school teacher by day, super mom by night
Mommy to The Boss~2007, The Energizer Bunny~2009, and The Princess~2011
My kids are no longer in diapers, but somehow, my computer keeps finding its way back here...
luvsviola is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2012, 10:22 AM   #17
mama2jack's Avatar
mama2jack
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 5,732
My Mood:
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

I had a slumber party birthday party taken away for bad behavior. I think I was about 2nd grade. I don't remember what I did but I do remember being warned and I remember that mom followed thru. Honestly it was awful, one mom didnt get the message and my little friend had to be turned away at the door gift in hand! Just because it was not fun though does not mean my mom made a parenting mistake. Punishments are not meant to be comfortable and you can bet I kept that in mind when I was being naughty. I think you should still aknowledge, her birthday, make her favorite dinner or whatever but I wouldnt back down on the no party.
I also agree with ignoring her during a tantrum. By trying to do everything you can to make her stop you are just feeding into it and giving her the power to control the situation.
__________________
~Jessica~Adoring wife to Chris best mommy I can be to Jackson and Weston. I CD, ERF, EBF, BW, and kept my second boy intact!
mama2jack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2012, 10:22 AM   #18
badmisterkitty's Avatar
badmisterkitty
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,649
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

Thanks to everyone for chiming in. It's really helping me gain some perspective.

No, I do not think the punishment fits the crime. I think it's my fault she escalated to the point she did. I'm trying to think really clearly on this, and honestly, if I had chosen to ignore her like I hsould have, it never would have happened. But I fed into her tantrum and let anger take over.

I DO need to ignore her. She will not sit alone anywhere.. She panics and it's equally unpleasant as having to be with her because our house is small. I'm going to try taking her to her room and shutting the door and completely ignoring her tantrum, even if she tries to beat me up. And she will. That's where I get into trouble because I think her getting physical with me is an absolute NO WAY, but by acknowledging that I don't approve it fuels her tantrum. At least if we're in her bedroom she'll only beat me up and not lash out at her siblings. I should also point out that she doesn't hit DH hardly ever. He says it's because he can ignore her better. I can't disagree with that.
__________________
Amy ~ Everything in moderation, WOH, glass half full, not committed to any labels, try, try again mama to 3! H 11/07 and M 8/10 and B 8/12
badmisterkitty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2012, 10:26 AM   #19
badmisterkitty's Avatar
badmisterkitty
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,649
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

"Parenting the Defiant Child" by Kazdin

Thank you! This is the othe rbook I was thinking about reading.
__________________
Amy ~ Everything in moderation, WOH, glass half full, not committed to any labels, try, try again mama to 3! H 11/07 and M 8/10 and B 8/12
badmisterkitty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2012, 10:35 AM   #20
mama2jack's Avatar
mama2jack
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 5,732
My Mood:
Re: Mommy Mistake - How To Fix? Took Away 5yo's Birthday Party

Quote:
Originally Posted by badmisterkitty View Post
Thanks to everyone for chiming in. It's really helping me gain some perspective.

No, I do not think the punishment fits the crime. I think it's my fault she escalated to the point she did. I'm trying to think really clearly on this, and honestly, if I had chosen to ignore her like I hsould have, it never would have happened. But I fed into her tantrum and let anger take over.
I do this too, most of the time ds1 has an all out tantrum it is fueled by my emotions and reactions. Then I have a huge sense of guilt and responsibility for the situation. I have been trying my best to keep calm. Tough because I am an emotional person. I have actually developed jaw inflamation from clenching my teeth when I am holding back. I know it feels awful afterwards but you are doing your best. You are actively seeking a way to respond better and that is a sign that you are a great mommy.
I DO need to ignore her. She will not sit alone anywhere.. She panics and it's equally unpleasant as having to be with her because our house is small. I'm going to try taking her to her room and shutting the door and completely ignoring her tantrum, even if she tries to beat me up. And she will. That's where I get into trouble because I think her getting physical with me is an absolute NO WAY, but by acknowledging that I don't approve it fuels her tantrum. At least if we're in her bedroom she'll only beat me up and not lash out at her siblings. Oh my gosh I could have written this too. When we were having lots of bad tantrums he would have to go to his room and the door would be shut with me just outside because he would hit and kick which is an absolute no no and makes me want to emotionally snap. I should also point out that she doesn't hit DH hardly ever. He says it's because he can ignore her better. I can't disagree with that.
.
__________________
~Jessica~Adoring wife to Chris best mommy I can be to Jackson and Weston. I CD, ERF, EBF, BW, and kept my second boy intact!
mama2jack is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.