Diaper Swappers

galesville1980 · 11-15-2012, 03:47 PM

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Beth. · 11-15-2012, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by galesville1980

In this situation the child was adopted at birth...my only question is if one of the bio kids had an "issue"..would adoption be an option or is it different cause she was the "adopted" daughter? If the answer is 100% yes they would chose adoption for bio kids then i will not judge...

Nah, that's not fair. This mother/child combo never bonded. We know that abuse and trauma are big factors in attachment issues. This child experienced abuse, trauma, extreme stress before she was even born. Then she experienced the trauma of being seperated from her birthmom.

I have parented an infant with attachment issues. I was ready for it. I had my husband home every night and able to provide a parenting break when things got tough. Luckily, I attached quickly. It could have easily gone the other direction. It took dd over 18 months to really have a healthy attachment to me. It is tough. Not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent. Not everyone can love another woman's child as her own. We NEED to talk about this as a community. We NEED to be aware that this can happen. Women considering adoption for their babies NEED to know that an adoptive situation isn't always better than what she can provide her baby (despite what media and adoption agencies tell them).

So, no, we can't judge the amom in this situation any more than we can judge the bmom in this situation. What we can do as a community is to learn from it. It's none of our business to place blame. It does nobody any good to come here and say "I'd never do that." The fact is none of us really know what we would or would not do because we haven't been there. I hope with all of my heart that Sam is able to have a healthy relationship with her daughter's new family. Let's support her in moving forward to that.

newmommy13 · 11-15-2012, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beth.

Nah, that's not fair. This mother/child combo never bonded. We know that abuse and trauma are big factors in attachment issues. This child experienced abuse, trauma, extreme stress before she was even born. Then she experienced the trauma of being seperated from her birthmom.

I have parented an infant with attachment issues. I was ready for it. I had my husband home every night and able to provide a parenting break when things got tough. Luckily, I attached quickly. It could have easily gone the other direction. It took dd over 18 months to really have a healthy attachment to me. It is tough. Not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent. Not everyone can love another woman's child as her own. We NEED to talk about this as a community. We NEED to be aware that this can happen. Women considering adoption for their babies NEED to know that an adoptive situation isn't always better than what she can provide her baby (despite what media and adoption agencies tell them).

So, no, we can't judge the amom in this situation any more than we can judge the bmom in this situation. What we can do as a community is to learn from it. It's none of our business to place blame. It does nobody any good to come here and say "I'd never do that." The fact is none of us really know what we would or would not do because we haven't been there. I hope with all of my heart that Sam is able to have a healthy relationship with her daughter's new family. Let's support her in moving forward to that.

galesville1980 · 11-15-2012, 05:29 PM

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luvbeingmomma · 11-15-2012, 07:01 PM

Wow, so was the 2nd adoption via CPS or private? I cant imagine your pain and worry as a birthmom. This wasnt your plan for your sweet baby. I hope you are able to get in contact with the new adoptive family. Sounds like you made the best decision your could at that time. <Hugs>

silvaheyes · 11-15-2012, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvbeingmomma

Wow, so was the 2nd adoption via CPS or private?

CPS wasn't involved at all. It was solely our decision to find another family for her.

~happy2Bamommy~ · 11-15-2012, 10:03 PM

I am sitting here crying.

There is so much I want to type out on this but I just can't.

Mama, I don't know your story and what all may or may not have happened or be going on but I am so incredibly sorry that you were either not in the position to get your daughter back, or that you were not considered as a prospective parent for her.

ashley84 · 11-15-2012, 11:50 PM

I silently followed the original thread in SS. I couldn't bring myself to comment.

I am so sorry this has happened to this poor girl. I can't imagine what it must be like to place your child in the arms of someone and trust that they will love her like a daughter. I can't imagine the pain you must feel realizing that never happened. Failure to bond and attachment issues are so incredibly sad. I can't imagine the guilt that must go with that. I could never bear it. My heart goes out to everyone involved in this incredibly sad situation. I do hope that Ella's birthmom is still allowed to be a part of her life. I think that is in Ella's best interest. I really hope everyone is putting Ella first. Poor, Ella.

I want to cry. :-(

*Peanut* · 11-16-2012, 10:50 AM

So sad for everyone involved.

MrsCrafty · 11-16-2012, 10:56 AM

No advice, just couldn't read and not reply. I'll be praying for Ella.

11-15-2012, 03:47 PM	#31
galesville1980 Registered Users Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 2,112 Ratings: 29 Feedback: 100%	X __________________ *OPEN ADOPTION BLESSED OUR FAMILY TWICE* We thank god for our infertility everyday!! Last edited by galesville1980; 11-15-2012 at 07:00 PM.

11-15-2012, 05:29 PM	#34
galesville1980 Registered Users Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 2,112 Ratings: 29 Feedback: 100%	X __________________ *OPEN ADOPTION BLESSED OUR FAMILY TWICE* We thank god for our infertility everyday!! Last edited by galesville1980; 11-15-2012 at 07:08 PM.

11-15-2012, 07:01 PM	#35
luvbeingmomma Registered Users Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 203	Re: pain beyond anything Wow, so was the 2nd adoption via CPS or private? I cant imagine your pain and worry as a birthmom. This wasnt your plan for your sweet baby. I hope you are able to get in contact with the new adoptive family. Sounds like you made the best decision your could at that time. <Hugs>

11-15-2012, 10:03 PM	#37
~happy2Bamommy~ Four things come not back: The spoken word; the sped arrow; the past life; and the neglected opportunity. Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 21,853 Ratings: 407 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: pain beyond anything I am sitting here crying. There is so much I want to type out on this but I just can't. Mama, I don't know your story and what all may or may not have happened or be going on but I am so incredibly sorry that you were either not in the position to get your daughter back, or that you were not considered as a prospective parent for her.

11-15-2012, 11:50 PM	#38
ashley84 Registered Users Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Iowa Posts: 2,277 Ratings: 101 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: pain beyond anything I silently followed the original thread in SS. I couldn't bring myself to comment. I am so sorry this has happened to this poor girl. I can't imagine what it must be like to place your child in the arms of someone and trust that they will love her like a daughter. I can't imagine the pain you must feel realizing that never happened. Failure to bond and attachment issues are so incredibly sad. I can't imagine the guilt that must go with that. I could never bear it. My heart goes out to everyone involved in this incredibly sad situation. I do hope that Ella's birthmom is still allowed to be a part of her life. I think that is in Ella's best interest. I really hope everyone is putting Ella first. Poor, Ella. I want to cry. :-( __________________ My hubby has been rocking my world for 6+ years. We have ~~three~~ 4 awesome kids! DSD (11 yrs) , DS (Feb '10) , & DD (Sept '12) Expecting Joshua Daniel, Sept. 2013 I'm up to $150 in Amazon giftcards! Check out SWAGBUCKS!