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Old 11-18-2012, 03:01 PM   #11
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Re: How do you Survive in Same town as Parents/In Laws?

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Why lie? Tell her you don't come over because she refuses to abide by your rules for your children, and until she can have an adult conversation with you and accept the fact that YOU decide what happens with your kids and not her, there will be no visits. If she starts to argue, say it's not up for negotiation and hang up. Either she'll change her act or not see them or you.

Normally I'm not for the ultimatum route, but her behavior is unacceptable.

ETA: FTR, I live 50ft from my mother, if even that, and the only way I keep my sanity is by putting down my foot over the big issues.

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This is what I would do.

When my dd was little my mother tried to take over. I finally had to flat out say my kid my way. You don't have to like it but you do have to abide by it. She tried telling me that as the grandmother she had some say in things. I told her no way, no how. Not happening. Either she could accept this or she couldn't see my dd. Suggestions were always welcome but the decision to follow them would be mine and my husbands. She has said recently I was very possessive of my daughter when she was little but still does not seem to realize she was being controlling. It doesn't matter though she is entitled to her opinion as long as she understands if she wants access to my kids she has to accept my wishes.

The first to I was forced to make this clear she stormed out and wouldn't talk to me for several days. She came around. We have had to do this scenario every 4-5 years.

Despite this my mother and I are close usually talking every day. Sometimes several times daily. Except of course when I have to reinforce my rule my kids my way. Then she needs a few days to cool off.

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Old 11-18-2012, 07:12 PM   #12
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Re: How do you Survive in Same town as Parents/In Laws?

Hugs momma! I can't say I know what you are going through as I live (thank the good Lord and my hubby) 400+ miles away from both ILs and my mom! So, I just wanted to write to give you some hug support!!
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Old 11-18-2012, 07:32 PM   #13
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Re: How do you Survive in Same town as Parents/In Laws?

We used to live with my in-laws (we were in the process of buying their house- they lived in an added on in-law apartment) and it sucked big time. We had a falling out and we moved 1 hour away. Now I never have to see them again

We also live 1 hour from my parents- I love them but I really love them when we don't live too close
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Old 11-18-2012, 07:45 PM   #14
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Thanks for all the support and advice ladies. I really needed someone to talk to seeing as though everyone I know in real life thinks I should let it go because shes my mom.
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Old 11-18-2012, 08:19 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hillargh

Why lie? Tell her you don't come over because she refuses to abide by your rules for your children, and until she can have an adult conversation with you and accept the fact that YOU decide what happens with your kids and not her, there will be no visits. If she starts to argue, say it's not up for negotiation and hang up. Either she'll change her act or not see them or you.

Normally I'm not for the ultimatum route, but her behavior is unacceptable.

ETA: FTR, I live 50ft from my mother, if even that, and the only way I keep my sanity is by putting down my foot over the big issues.

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using DS Forum
This!!!
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Old 11-18-2012, 08:59 PM   #16
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Re: How do you Survive in Same town as Parents/In Laws?

My mom is my nanny. I see her daily and she cares for my kids while I work. We don't have any other options for people with DS's special needs, so it isn't like I can find alternate care.

Do I agree with everything she does? Nope. Do I pick my battles? Yep.

IMO, it is about attitude. If you prepare yourself for "She's crazy" she won't disappoint. If you prepare yourself for mother of the year, you'll leave mad every time. You just have to go in with the attitude that she is going to drive you nuts and do everything the opposite of the way you would.
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Old 11-18-2012, 09:13 PM   #17
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Re: How do you Survive in Same town as Parents/In Laws?

You have to be able to put your foot down. You don't have space as a boundary, so you have to create boundaries of courtesy. Your family has to realize that certain things are unacceptable to you and you aren't going to tolerate them. My inlaws used to have this VERY BAD habit of not only dropping in unannounced, but just letting themselves in. One member nearly got an eyeful as I was getting ready to have a bath and another time they walked into the house while DD1 was sleeping and DH and I were *ahem* enjoying some private time. We had a talk with them and it never happened again. THey still drop by unannounced, but they knock and wait for us to either call out to let themselves in or come to the door.

When we first started living together my mother drunk dialed me and lambasted me up one side and down the other for dropping out of school due to medical reasons. When I got the message (I wasn't home when she did it) I called her the next day, told her that was unacceptable and she was not welcome into my home and not to contact me again until she was ready to apologize. It actually took her a while, but she did apologise after a few months, and then again when she finally saw me in the throes of a migraine and saw how bad they were.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:05 PM   #18
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Re: How do you Survive in Same town as Parents/In Laws?

and
Honestly, I don't think DH and I would make it if we lived near my parents. I hate to say that, but it's true. They have control issues and like to be in every aspect of our lives - although this has gotten a bit better over the past couple years.
The worst thing, for us, is that they (mom more than dad) favor DD - not just a little, but all the time, in every situation. It was so blatant that the boys felt/saw it even at only 3 and 4 years old. This also has improved a bit over the past couple years, but it's still there somewhat.
So, though I miss them, I am somewhat thankful that we live thousands of miles away and only see each other once a year or so.

Now, my inlaws just moved to town 40 minutes away - and they could totally live next door and it would be awesome. They're just wonderful - supportive, but not controlling, loving and caring to all the kids, realizing that the kids are all different with different ways of showing and receiving love/affection.
I big-puffy-heart-love my inlaws
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:34 PM   #19
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In your case, I simply would NOT allow them access to my children. You do not tell a child they aren't smart enough and need to collect a check or give food that's not welcomed to someone else's infant.

I'm particularly peeved at the get a check comment. Personally, I'd have been on her door step telling her not to come near my child until she works out her obvious issues.

No adult tells my child they aren't smart enough etc and doesn't evoke an extremely angry mama bear response from me.

Totally unacceptable.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:47 PM   #20
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Re: How do you Survive in Same town as Parents/In Laws?

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Originally Posted by MrzP427 View Post
See this is exactly how i feel. I just cant talk to her at all about it. No matter what I say she ignores me so Ive been trying to stay in my apartment as much as possible until I can move. She keeps asking why I dont come over and I keep telling her that Im busy. I lie only because theres no having a conversation with her.

So off topic but I still have some diapers and Matching Fleece shorties you made for both my sons back in 2008. I just cant seem to part with them lol
Really?? Do you have pics? I'm trying to remember lol

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Originally Posted by qsefthuko View Post
This is what I would do.

When my dd was little my mother tried to take over. I finally had to flat out say my kid my way. You don't have to like it but you do have to abide by it. She tried telling me that as the grandmother she had some say in things. I told her no way, no how. Not happening. Either she could accept this or she couldn't see my dd. Suggestions were always welcome but the decision to follow them would be mine and my husbands. She has said recently I was very possessive of my daughter when she was little but still does not seem to realize she was being controlling. It doesn't matter though she is entitled to her opinion as long as she understands if she wants access to my kids she has to accept my wishes.

The first to I was forced to make this clear she stormed out and wouldn't talk to me for several days. She came around. We have had to do this scenario every 4-5 years.

Despite this my mother and I are close usually talking every day. Sometimes several times daily. Except of course when I have to reinforce my rule my kids my way. Then she needs a few days to cool off.
I really hate that. How can you be possessive of your own child?? I know my MIL would say the same thing but a parent doesn't act that way for no reason. Plus, its our right to raise our children however we wish. If that means we choose to keep them away from nutcases, than that's our right. I also hate when grandparents think they have a right to our children. They had their chance, itso ur turn and I'm sure they got just as annoyed with their family and/or ILs butting in. My MIL acts like our boys are her kids (she had two late mc's which I understand the pain personally but she doesn'tknow where todraw the line) and she treats DF and I like her surrogate husband because hers refuses to do ANYTHING. Goes to bed at 5pm and won't go shopping, to shows, movies, day trips, etc. So she latches onto us and our kids which normally isn't a problem but again, she can't figure out where the line is. DF finally saw the light when she treated him like crap when DS2 was in the NICU for 3 weeks.
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