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Old 11-19-2012, 11:19 PM   #41
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

Quote:
Originally Posted by delicatefade View Post
I think you read that post with a judgemental attitude. Right in the beginning of the post she says that she had many woman asking her for this advice. I see nothing wrong with it. Besides, when you act in an unselfish manner, it tends to come right back at you in good ways.
THIS.

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Old 11-19-2012, 11:22 PM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mibarra

I don't know anyone who thinks their men are automatically secure. I know for myself and my friends, we spend a lot of our free time all other times making our husband's feel secure, loved, appreciated, doing extra things to help. If DH can't step up after I've had a baby and be there for me when I need HIS support then to me that's a big problem.
I totally agree that husbands have a responsibility to step up after baby. The way I see it... Hey, you do the laundry, and dishes, and get me a snack and some water and I will cuddle with you for 5 min and tell you I love you and thanks for being such a good husband. Like I say, I think the point of the article is legit. . . Realize men are fragile and ways to make him feel special.

I don't stay up late for my husband now, much less when I have to wake up at all hours of the night... But I do kiss him before I trek upstairs.

I also agree with the pp that any relationship in which both parties don't feel supported, should seek counseling and not turn to complacency.
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Old 11-20-2012, 12:29 AM   #43
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

I was fine with it (not that I'd do it but it seems ok) until the intimacy party. That part had me laughing out loud.

Naked massages? Between the lochia and spraying milk everywhere it would look like the site of a massacre. Never mind the fact I can't lie on nursing boobs because they are too big and sore. And flashing those boobs? Not sure how romantic it is to spray milk on one's husband?!

Or the dusting the tv in something risque? at 4 weeks post partum!? Do they make risque nursing bras? Where do I put my nursing pads? And the other pads too - do they fit in a g string!?

I think that woman has a different post partum period than I do.

LOL!
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Old 11-20-2012, 12:59 AM   #44
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

I couldn't even make it through the first few sentences of that piece. It was so precious it made me want to crawl under my couch.

Once I recovered I was able to scan a few points and the whole thing sounds completely insufferable. Dress up for your husband? In what? Your baggy, overworked maternity crap or you too tight, uncomfortable pre-pregnancy stuff? New dad gifts, Daddy diapering kit, oral gratification, flashing (what is this marti gras!?). After giving birth I feel about as sexy as a canned ham. If my husband really wants to witness my gratitude first hand then he can pick up Chinese food on the way home to spare me from having to step foot in my kitchen.

This in no way is any reflection of the love that I have for my husband, but I'm not going to go above and beyond to make him a happy camper when I've just produced a human being from my body.
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Old 11-20-2012, 01:03 AM   #45
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I can't remember a time anyone ever thanked me for changing my kids' diapers, their fathers included. Or when anyone did the majority of the things on that PP list. And guess what? I'm not crushed nor crying emo black tears in a corner.

If all it takes is 6w of being put after baby and mama sanity, to warp your entire world, my lessened attention isn't your biggest problem.

Why is it expected? I don't get it. Why should we have to feel as though we have to make up for taking care of a newborn? It's not something to be sorry for. So sorry to inconvenience you with my pesky habit of feeding, changing, engaging, keeping baby alive and all that. I know it's a bummer If anything WE should be being thanked for doing it and not going mad or hulk smashing someone/something along the way.

No, dear, you don't get to stick it in my bleeding, torn, raw, painful self that just birthed your child and carried on the family name. Not sorry. Your sexual WANTS (not needs, it isn't necessary, you don't die without it) aren't on my top priority list above BFing, eating, sleeping, surviving, etc. Not ashamed.

I hate the stigma. I really do. If I were a man I would be offended that so many women in the world think that men need to be coddled and made to feel extra super special just for existing and not running for the hills, and helping in ways that they should be anyway because it's their child, too. I would be annoyed someone thought so little of me that they would think I would put my sexual desires above my wife and child, or that I would find her going out of her way to do things to make me (the perfectly fine, not recovering, grown *** man) feel special rather than sleeping, taking a shower, healing, etc to be acceptable. No way, no how.

Appreciation is great. Fluffy bull crap is not. Sorry, all of this got me into ranty mode

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Old 11-20-2012, 02:24 AM   #46
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

OMG that article made me LOL, especially since I gave birth last night. "Call your husband Daddy..." I hate the idea of women calling their husbands daddy or their husbands call them mommy. My husband has a NAME and I have a NAME. I am mommy to my children and my name to my husband. I'm not his mother, he's not my father, LOL! It's creepy! Naked postpartum massages? HA! I don't think he would appreciate this rubra lochia that is oozing out my vajayjay getting all over the sheets, his back, the blankets, etc.

I just gave him the beautiful gift of his son. My body has been ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth, and now it's being ravaged by breastfeeding and the postpartum period. And all of it was done to bring his offspring into the world for his benefit. My body has dedicated the last 9 months to essentially being an incubator for his child. The least he can do is act like an adult (and expect to be treated as one!).
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:26 AM   #47
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

If this was a set of suggestions for ensuring your other children still feel loved and included during a new arrival, we'd be all over it. While our husbands aren't children and they have the capability to put their emotional needs on the backburner, it is all too easy for us wives to turn our complete focus on the new baby and neglect him. The problem with this is that often (not always) we fall into that inital pattern and then just never get out of it, because the baby is still there and still needy after that first 6 weeks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Terra View Post
Right! I had friends years ago, a DH and DW, who called each other mommy and daddy..."Hey mommy what are fixin' for dinner." "Hey daddy, I love you." It skeeved me out!
Don't come to my house then! This is what we call each other in front of the kids. One of the big reasons we got married is because we saw the other as awesome parent material and the fact that DH is the father of my children is a very big turn on.

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I find it completely off balance in the Christian world with all this focus (books, seminars, sermons, comments, expectations, etc) being put on the women to give attention or whatever you want to call it to the men. The Bible DOES say that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church....which is a stronger commandment I believe than anything given to the women. Where is the emphasis on the Christian men doing their part??? Yes, I know there are quality Christian guys out there that are great husbands and fathers or at least try to be and try to love their wives. However, I don't see nearly as many of them seeking any type of advice or training or it even being offered. Never heard of a group or seminar or class where tips on being a great husband were the focus of the meeting. Men don't seem to care as much about this yet women are supposed to be fluffing pillows and making sure intimate needs are met? even right after birth? even right after a c-section, preemie, multiples, unhealthy newborn? even when the mother is exhausted and just had a watermelon come out her v-jay-jay and then has to return home in a couple of days to do everything she did before PLUS add on a recovery and newborn and all that goes with caring for a newborn.... time for the guys to step it up and not wait around to be made a fuss over.... how about taking some pics of the birth and making something special for your wife? how about giving her a back rub and making her feel like an awesome mom? telling her she is special and thanking her for the care she provides for YOUR children all day?

Ugh, don't even get me started. Thankfully, my husband does so well in the newborn phase. He was bonded right away with our daughter. He got involved with every aspect and didn't wait around for me to beg him to be a part of his daughter's lives. I don't have time for sulky and needy men. Thank God I didn't get one of those.

I don't mind that dating divas stuff. I didn't read all of them but if you are looking for ideas, then why not try some. However I don't think that just caring for your husband will create a perfect relationship....I have seen this first hand. Hard working women that cater to their husbands and got treated poorly or even worse. Realize the relationship goes both ways and respectfully seek counseling along with trying some ideas to take care of your husband AND yourself.

That 50's website....yuck. Nothing I have to say is as important as what he has to say? He's been with the work weary all day so pamper him when he gets home with soothing voices? yuck yuck yuck!
Two thoughts here:
1) Women are just more into self help literature and classes. Period. There are far more books, seminars, etc. aimed at women than men because we are just a stronger market for them. Women like to talk about things and analyze their relationships. Men not nearly as much. I don't think it's because men don't care and women do. I think it's because we are naturally wired differently. Get a group of men together and get a group of women together and they act differently as a group.

2) There ARE many workshops/books for men that focus on their marriage and how to improve it, but we are women and focused on our role. It's not marketed to us.

I say this as the wife of a man who finds this literature on a regular basis. I say this as someone who would happily do many of the things on that list (not all in one day!) for my husband. The thing is that I know my husband does all of that and more for me on a daily basis whether or not I've just given birth. Seriously, my husband does so much for me that I'm supposed to be offended by a list of suggestions on how to reciprocate?
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:58 AM   #48
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

I read that list to my husband and he said it was weird. Thank God.
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Old 11-20-2012, 07:05 AM   #49
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hillargh View Post
I can't remember a time anyone ever thanked me for changing my kids' diapers, their fathers included. Or when anyone did the majority of the things on that PP list. And guess what? I'm not crushed nor crying emo black tears in a corner.

If all it takes is 6w of being put after baby and mama sanity, to warp your entire world, my lessened attention isn't your biggest problem.

Why is it expected? I don't get it. Why should we have to feel as though we have to make up for taking care of a newborn? It's not something to be sorry for. So sorry to inconvenience you with my pesky habit of feeding, changing, engaging, keeping baby alive and all that. I know it's a bummer If anything WE should be being thanked for doing it and not going mad or hulk smashing someone/something along the way.

No, dear, you don't get to stick it in my bleeding, torn, raw, painful self that just birthed your child and carried on the family name. Not sorry. Your sexual WANTS (not needs, it isn't necessary, you don't die without it) aren't on my top priority list above BFing, eating, sleeping, surviving, etc. Not ashamed.

I hate the stigma. I really do. If I were a man I would be offended that so many women in the world think that men need to be coddled and made to feel extra super special just for existing and not running for the hills, and helping in ways that they should be anyway because it's their child, too. I would be annoyed someone thought so little of me that they would think I would put my sexual desires above my wife and child, or that I would find her going out of her way to do things to make me (the perfectly fine, not recovering, grown *** man) feel special rather than sleeping, taking a shower, healing, etc to be acceptable. No way, no how.

Appreciation is great. Fluffy bull crap is not. Sorry, all of this got me into ranty mode
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mcpforever View Post



Don't come to my house then! This is what we call each other in front of the kids. One of the big reasons we got married is because we saw the other as awesome parent material and the fact that DH is the father of my children is a very big turn on.


But do you do it with the children not in the presence. I do get that you married thinking of the other as great parents. We feel that way too. I just think that yes I'm his wife first, not his mom and he's not my dad, so he doesn't get that title between us. In referring to him on behalf of the children in his presence, then yeah we do that. Like "Are you going to get some apple juice for daddy too." NOT...."Hey daddy want to have some alone time??" eeeksss lol
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Old 11-20-2012, 07:12 AM   #50
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

Glad I married a man and not some insecure little boy.
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