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Old 11-21-2012, 11:34 AM   #141
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Originally Posted by MarchMama2010 View Post
Totally agree on these two points. I thought the article was completely ridiculous, though, because it didn't seem to give men ANY credit for being able to act like... adults, I guess. It was so condescending - are there really men out there who think their wives don't love them/don't appreciate them if she doesn't lay out their pajamas or shimmy around on the floor in lingerie while wielding a scrub brush within the first few weeks of bringing a brand new person into the world? Ugh.
I don't think there are people out there who truly feel unloved, but some extra time or attention still isn't a bad idea.

Here's a different situation, possibly same feelings. My husband is in grad school, and was working 60+ hours a week for a few months. I went from having him around for dinner every night and helping put the kids to bed, to hardly having time to say "goodnight" before we both went to bed exhausted.

Was I mad at him or did I think he didn't love me anymore because he was so busy? Of course not! But if he took the extra time to stay up a little late one night even though he had to get up early so we could talk, or brought me home a treat on his way home from work I really appreciated that little bit of extra effort he was putting into connecting with me.

Did I expect it? Nope, but I still loved when it happened and it really helped me get through my crazy days and night alone with the kids knowing that he was putting a little thought into how I was dealing with all of this too.

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Old 11-21-2012, 11:36 AM   #142
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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THAT is my problem with the article! There's nothing wrong with a new mom doing whatever she is willing and able to do after delivery. There's something very, very wrong with creating a culture and expectation that women can and *should* be doing the physical acts on that list before they are ready.

No one is arguing that new moms shouldn't express their gratitude to their partners! But for the first 6 weeks it's entirely appropriate for that gratitude to be expressed verbally only IMHO.
BIG ditto here too.
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Old 11-21-2012, 11:36 AM   #143
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Originally Posted by s@hmommy

I think you should show your loved ones you are thankful for them, especially when they are having to do more than normal.
Keep in mind this is just my opinion, take it for the pile of turds it is

I do agree with your sentiment, but in reality, I won't do it. Not because I'm bitter, but because I work full time, I do ALL the housework, laundry, cooking and 80% of the child rearing. I just do it. I sometimes get a thankful. Mind you he doesn't expect it. But I don't get arse pats all the time. I'm not going to thank him for doing what I already did all the time anyway. That stuff is just life. Again, my own harsh opinion
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Old 11-21-2012, 11:45 AM   #144
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Promise I'm not being snarky here...don't want to get into that aspect of the thread! Just truly curious because while I wouldn't do what you have done I realize everyone is different

Can you tell me why you 'had' too? Were you told you had too? And what would have happened if your husband had to wait 6 weeks? [think if it was vital medically or something?]

I give you props, being totally honest here, it would be divorce court for me if my DH said he couldn't have self control and wait 6 weeks.
I had to in the sense that life didnt stop because I had a baby. Yes my husband expects a lot of me and I do a lot for him. I am ashamed to to admit everything that I do for my husband because I would have less friends than I do now. He is in the military so we have gone more than 6 weeks due to seperation. He just refused to go 6 weeks without if I was there every night. If it came down to being medically impossible for me, then I would still do my best to meet his needs any way he requested. Yeah I stick out like a sore thumb in this thread .
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Old 11-21-2012, 11:45 AM   #145
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Yeah, if a woman WANTS to scrub the floor in the buff 3 days after pushing a watermelon out her hoo-ha then more power to her.
Because this is what we're all discussing here. Like I said, I find it just amazing that some women are willing to describe other women's efforts in such a condescending, snarky, and dismissive manner, all while proclaiming how they would never let their husbands treat them as inferior. But it's okay to treat other women that way, right? The cognitive dissonance is astounding.

This comes from a woman who does nothing like that list or even close to it, I just hate seeing women derided by other women all because of different choices, lifestyles, and physical capabilities.
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Old 11-21-2012, 12:20 PM   #146
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Yeah, if a woman WANTS to scrub the floor in the buff 3 days after pushing a watermelon out her hoo-ha then more power to her. Ain't happenin here and my hubby is well taken care of...and he takes good care of me when I'm down. It's a partnership, I'm his partner not his servant. He does for me when I'm down without expecting anything in return, I do for him when he's down without expecting anything in return.

I can tell you, when my husband had a kidney transplant my needs were WAY bottom of the totem pole. Only his needs mattered. Same thing when I give birth HIS needs are WAY bottom of the totem pole and only my needs and the needs of our kids matter. IMO that's how it should be. Haha, I'll have to tell him that he should have been up dusting the TV in a speedo and scrubbing the floor on his hands and knees and doing a little somethin somethin for me cuz I had sex needs y'all
So the bolded caught my eye and I wanted to respond to it, but then I scrolled down and saw that Belle had already said what I was thinking, only better. (as usual)

I do want to address the second paragraph though. First of all, the ideas aren't coming from the opposite spouse, so telling him to do such a thing isn't a parallel to the OP at all. Secondly, women are wired differently than men so your speedo idea is comical rather than practical. IME, just showing a little skin gets a husband interested, yet I find the role reversal comical rather than provocative. Bringing me flowers or writing me a sweet love note would be more effective and involve less physical work anyway.

I had a time period when I could not have intercourse for months on end. I didn't just tell DH to suck it up and deal with it. We worked around it, because it was best for both of us.
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Old 11-21-2012, 12:23 PM   #147
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Because this is what we're all discussing here. Like I said, I find it just amazing that some women are willing to describe other women's efforts in such a condescending, snarky, and dismissive manner, all while proclaiming how they would never let their husbands treat them as inferior. But it's okay to treat other women that way, right? The cognitive dissonance is astounding.

This comes from a woman who does nothing like that list or even close to it, I just hate seeing women derided by other women all because of different choices, lifestyles, and physical capabilities.
TYSM for saying so eloquently what I was trying to put together in my head.

That is PRECISELY what is bothering me about the tone of so many posters.
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Old 11-21-2012, 12:29 PM   #148
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

I really hope I am not coming accross in the way you're describing, Belle. I am just stating my personal feelings, but I am not looking down upon women who choose to do anything on the list at their own will. I'm just irritated with how men are so often portrayed as helpless and needy. ..like I said before, we need to give them more credit!
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Old 11-21-2012, 12:45 PM   #149
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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I really hope I am not coming accross in the way you're describing, Belle. I am just stating my personal feelings, but I am not looking down upon women who choose to do anything on the list at their own will. I'm just irritated with how men are so often portrayed as helpless and needy. ..like I said before, we need to give them more credit!
But that is not at all what the blog you linked to is saying. Please, re-read:

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This post is designed to really help you through that six week recovery period after you’ve had your new little baby. Especially if this is your first baby, the changes will come as a huge shock… especially the changes in your marital relationship. Some husbands graduate into fatherhood with ease but for the majority of new fathers there comes a wave of emotions. Such as: feeling ignored by their wife, the baby is getting all of your attention, you are exhausted all the time and aren’t interested in what’s going on with him, not to mention he thinks he’s going to have to go the full six weeks or more in a ‘dry spell’, and so on. They try to man up and be a support to you, but it can be a very difficult time for them.

It's saying Dads (esp NEW dads) can need help with their emotions during this already difficult time of transition. ( .... Lord knows I need help with it! And I'm the MOM!)

And then, here are some ways you *could* help them IF they are having a bit of trouble adjusting.

I am just not seeing how that is portraying them as needy or helpless. It's just saying they are real people with feelings who might feel left out and here are some things that could maybe help with that, some ideas to try.

I really don't see why so many people are shocked or even angry over this blog post.

Last edited by Kiliki; 11-21-2012 at 12:48 PM.
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Old 11-21-2012, 12:54 PM   #150
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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But that is not at all what the blog you linked to is saying. Please, re-read:




It's saying Dads (esp NEW dads) can need help with their emotions during this already difficult time of transition. ( .... Lord knows I need help with it! And I'm the MOM!)

And then, here are some ways you *could* help them IF they are having a bit of trouble adjusting.

I am just not seeing how that is portraying them as needy or helpless. It's just saying they are real people with feelings who might feel left out and here are some things that could maybe help with that, some ideas to try.

I really don't see why so many people are shocked or even angry over this blog post.
I guess it's just the undertone of the article that I interpret as women once again being told to put everyone ahead of themselves, even in a time when, again, in my opinion a mother should have 2 worries: mothering and healing.

Helping Daddy feeling included is one thing. I just find that *some* of the blog post is reinforcing the belief that men NEED sexual stimulation at all times and cannot be deprived of it, even in a 6 week healing period, or else you'll lose him/ he'll become miserable. Same thing with the suggestion that I should stay up extra late for him or set out his PJ's... it's just further suggetsing that I need to baby my DH to keep him happy.

Again, that is *my* interpretation.
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