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Old 08-14-2007, 03:37 PM   #1
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Why is this so difficult?

We are still waiting for 3 tests results to determine 100% if we will be homebirthing or not, so I don't want to jinx myself. The midwives said to go ahead and order the birth kit/tub (which we did over the weekend), so I feel pretty confident about it. I'm just not saying we are homebirthing yet, kwim? I just want to KNOW for a FACT before I go telling people.

Anywho...

I made the mistake of telling my mom about the hospital's phone call (can't have baby here) the day it happened, and so she's been calling me daily for "updates." Since I'm not telling anyone yet about the HB, I've just been telling her I'm still looking, but that I think I've found someone in Little Rock (truth, just vague).

So, she said yesterday that it just doesn't make any sense to transfer this late in the game. You don't want to deliver somewhere where no one knows you, you don't know the person delivering the baby, etc. And the only reason the hospital has these standards is for safety, and "You don't want it hanging over your head if something happens to this baby and you could have avoided it." I seriously can't take it. I can't not answer the phone, because she IS my mom and she lives less than 10 minutes away. However, if I'm getting this crap from just saying I'm going to switch hospitals/OBs at 37 weeks...I'm seriously worried about the lecture/worry she's going to put over me when I tell her (hopefully tomorrow) about the possibility of a homebirth.

Again, it's not something I can keep from her and just tell her once the baby is here. My husband told his parents already (didn't talk to me first), and they're Ok with it...not thrilled, but they're not giving us hell about it. My parents would be really hurt if we told his parents and not them, kwim?

The absolute last thing I need right now is my mom telling my that the baby is going to die and it's going to be on my hands, which I know is the route she's going to take. One part of me just wants to call her this second and tell her on the phone and get it over with, and the other part wants to tell her in person. I really don't want to see the look on her face...do you think it would be bad to tell her something like this over the phone?

I'm just at a loss for words. Keeping it from my parents isn't an option. I've got to tell them...I just don't know what I can say so that I won't hear negative bull for the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy.

Any tips?

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Old 08-14-2007, 03:45 PM   #2
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Re: Why is this so difficult?

I would think that over the phone would be ok personally , and I would probably start with something like I know you won't agree with me but it's our choice and I need you as my mom to please just be supportive , and then tell her , it may help or it may not but at least she would know from the start that you know how she feels about it and maybe she will just be a mom and help her daughter out here . I donno , it's always hard when you family is not supportive weather they agree or not , I mean you need to do what you need to do for you and your family but don't want to hurt them either . I hope things will work out and be ok with everyone
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Old 08-14-2007, 03:48 PM   #3
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Re: Why is this so difficult?

tell them in email. explain you are telling them in email so that you can Gestate In Peace. Tell them how much you love them and value their support. Explain that you realize they will worry, but tell them they raised you well. Tell them you aren't a reckless teenager, you are a thinking, caring person who adores her family and only wants what is best for herself and her unborn baby and that you have not made this choice lightly and are firmly committed to it. Tell them you look forward to them being part of your support network. Outline their role (I'm hoping that when we call you to announce the arrival you will spread the word to these 4 people.... We're counting on you to bring us dinner the first day since we won't have a nurse to do that... whatever, something that they get to do). Include a couple links on the safety of homebirth. End it with your new siggy: "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" ~my wise momma

good luck!
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Old 08-14-2007, 03:50 PM   #4
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Re: Why is this so difficult?

A phone call is impersonal as it is...I couldn't do it through an email.
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Old 08-14-2007, 04:25 PM   #5
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Re: Why is this so difficult?

I think I would tell her over the phone, and acknowledge her feelings but remind her that this is your baby ( and yes she worries cause you are her baby ) and that you have support and a plan if anything should arise that would need attention. It's so hard especially since I think she only wants the best for you, maybe she will understand that this is what's best for you.
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Old 08-14-2007, 04:54 PM   #6
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Re: Why is this so difficult?

I'm sorry your mom is stressing you out so much. You are the mommy now and you get to decide what is best for you and your baby. But I'm guessing she's just worried about you. You are still her little baby no matter how old you get. Tell them however you feel most comfortable be that email, phone or person. Be strong!
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Old 08-14-2007, 04:58 PM   #7
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Re: Why is this so difficult?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alyrie View Post
A phone call is impersonal as it is...I couldn't do it through an email.
I understand that but I would simultaneously send her an e-mail with links to safety of homebirth data and on the phone tell her you are sending her some stuff you would like her to look at before voicing her objections.

In the e-mail tell her she can voice her concerns but once you have heard them you would like her to drop it!

Sometimes hearing a definitive answer people will let it go, as long as it sounds like they may be able to sway you, they will try. Which means whenever you say it, it needs to sound like a sure thing that is definitely happening.

This is the start of being a momma, taking advice from mom but telling her that this is your child and this is your and dh's decision, it's another string being cut and it's very hard to do. It does get easier as time goes by though, trust me.

Also I would do it when dh is home in case you need support when it is done, hearing the daddy saying we're doing the right thing can be so reassuring.

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