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Old 12-07-2012, 09:54 AM   #1
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How to break the news to a friend struggling

title says it all. My best friend got a tubal reversal over 4-1/2 years ago. Had one very early loss between 4 and 5 weeks and nothing since. My heart breaks for her. I cried when I told her with 3yo dd. We've been friends for 25 years now but I think me having all these babies close together is driving a wedge. We live 3 hours from each other but, things have become different. How do I break it this time?
My other best friend (yes, I have 2) of 23 years, lives 6 hours away but we talk at least twice a week. She had a hysterectomy a long time ago. Has one daughter and got remarried few years ago and has mentioned a few years ago me carrying a baby for her. And just recently thought there may be a little boy that needed adopting, but it probably is not going to work out.
I do plan on waiting until about 10 weeks, which is when I can't physically hide it anymore, but I feel awful having to tell them.

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Old 12-07-2012, 11:25 AM   #2
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Re: How to break the news to a friend struggling

I'm in a similar situation - I have 3 best friends! I is also pregnant right along side me, which is a huge blessing....my other best friend has been struggling with infertility for several years now, and my other best friend just had a stillbirth at 38 weeks last week! :-( The way I handled telling the news to my friend struggling with infertility, was I was honest with her - I told her that I was pregnant again, and that I was hoping and praying we could be pregnant together!
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Old 12-07-2012, 11:42 AM   #3
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Re: How to break the news to a friend struggling

I told my friend right away. She is 48, went through a few years trying to battle infertility without any success, and is now having symptoms of menopause. I'll be honest- it has been so tough. I told her through a text (her request) I told her right away when we found out because we did IVF and she wanted to know. She told me right away through text messages that it sent her into a depression and that she hadn't expected it to be this difficult for her. It has been almost 3 weeks and she and I still haven't talked or gotten together It is so hard because I miss her, but I also understand her side of things because we just battled infertility ourselves for 3 years. I just really really miss her, but want to give her the time she needs.
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Old 12-08-2012, 12:41 PM   #4
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Re: How to break the news to a friend struggling

Rebecca-how awful for your friend with the stillbirth. I had a 24 weeker born still and a friend of mine who was 8 months pregnant at the time showed up at the funeral. I don't remember feeling anything negative toward her. I only could think "gosh, what I would give for my baby to still be in my belly."
Pregnancy before last, I told bff, I used the same line as you, the I hope you get preggers soon so we can be preggers together. Won't work well this time since they've been trying 4+ yrs tho
Love4leon- for your friend to tell you that you getting pregnant sent her into a depression is just downright wrong. Sounds like she doesn't want you to have any joy, but instead, feel guilty because it worked for you. Sort of like, say, if my Mom died, me wishing everyone else's were dead, too.
I haven't dealt with infertility before, but I know that if I did, I wouldn't want other people to feel pain just because I do.
And, I guess in an effort to say something nicer about your friend--I'm sure she probably liked having a friend who she could share her struggles and disappointments in and maybe she feels like she's lost that now. You may be the only one she talks to about it. I hope for you and friendship's sake, that after she takes the time she needs, she apologizes. It is hard to have a friend for soooo long and it go up in smoke seemingly overnight over something that shouldn't be an issue. And also hard to realize that a friend is not the person (inside) you thought they were. Going through that myself. "cling to family" is my motto.
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Old 12-08-2012, 04:35 PM   #5
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Re: How to break the news to a friend struggling

I am of no help. Right before this last transfer I found out that 4 of my friends are pregnant. Only one through IVF and she has twins. I honestly just withdrew mostly. I am happy for the IVF lady but the others just make me feel about 60 years old at the time. I mean, one of them is older then I am and got pregnant on her own! Salt here is my wound!! If you remember I wasn't sure this cycle would work, and I actually thought that it would be a miracle if it did. I guess God had bigger plans for me!

I would tell your friend, but be prepared that they may withdrawal for a while. I know I would have eventually come around even if this cycle didn't work. I mean most of my friends are able to have home births and the whole little "perfect" pregnancy, but that is them and I am not them. I have to have a c-section but at the end of the day we will still have the cute little baby to hold, and mine will probably not have a smushed face. I know in the past I have looked at babies that were born as "Well when I have my cute little newborn, that baby will be in their terrible 2's!!" That honestly makes me feel better at the end of the day.
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Old 12-08-2012, 06:54 PM   #6
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Re: How to break the news to a friend struggling

I struggled with infertility for my first two pregnancies. My good friend made a point of telling me privately when she got pregnant. I was thrilled for her but sad to not have what came so easily to her. She completely understood my mixed emotions. I was glad to hear it from her and not throught the grapevine.
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:57 PM   #7
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Re: How to break the news to a friend struggling

It took us 10 yrs, several surgeries, & an egg donor.

I avoided most pregnant people like they had the plague for years....except my baby sister. My heart was overjoyed for my sister while others caused me sobbing tears. You can't control who does or doesn't want to remain close to you.....all you can do is be kind & attempt to be the first source the news comes from

I suggest using the sandwich technique. Tell each friend in a personal way that you value their friendship, tell them the news, tell them you'll need a good dose of their great humor when morning sickness strikes (or tell them u can't wait to sit on the phone with them all night when you're too tired to clean your house, or can't wait to have a relaxing girls night out & get a mani pedi together when they can laugh at your swollen feet....)

Best wishes to you & your friendships
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:57 PM   #8
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Re: How to break the news to a friend struggling

BTW CONGRATULATIONS!!!
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:37 AM   #9
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Re: How to break the news to a friend struggling

Thanks, mamas. I dread it a little less just hearing some of the feelings you've described. And I hope she remembers me sobbing the other time and know that my heart truly wishes that I could snap my fingers and it happen for her, too.
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