Mama. It sounds like you and I were dealt very similar hands. My first was born at the hospital and was fine, my second was born at the hospital and it was also TERRIBLE! To make a long story short I was assaulted (yes the legal definition of assault) and developed PTSD as a result. My first year with dd, as a result was also terrible. For the most part my PTSD was treated but it still rears it's ugly head from time to time and I have to really work at keeping it at bay at times.
DH and I always knew we wanted more then 2 children. After dd though I knew I would never plan on delivering in a hospital again. It was either find other options or change our life plans and have no more children. I was never a homebirthing type before that point but the research I did (LOVE henci goer's books) was really eye opening. When I would say these things to DH he would also get mad. He was pretty upset with how I was treated at the hospital too. He didn't want to see me go through that again(and I don't think he wanted to go through me with PTSD again either poor guy
). We learned together and made the homebirth decision together as well.
I know men feel vulnerable at their wives time of birth and all that. I would never feel comfortable making that decision without my DH's support but ultimately my comfort is #1. If I'm not comfortable then both baby's and my health is at risk. It concerns me that your DH won't even look into a homebirth that to me is very disrespectful. You should look out for your DH but IMHO you and baby come first. If your anything like me there is no way that I could go into a hospital delivery situation, with a healthy pregnancy and not have some serious stress related complications. Now if I had to have a hospital delivery due to complications then that is a different situation that I could be slightly more comfortable with.
Sorry but I find this post in incredibly bad taste. The OP asked for suggestions and ideas not a bashing on homebirth. You do realize that many of your points could be said about hospital birth as well right? (because Mom's die there too, which is probably why our maternal mortality rates are so abysmal).
And a big huge
to the last bold comment. Because your decision to homebirth is the only informed & professional decision that you could make, right?
This poor Mama already has a lot of anxiety in the cards she was dealt with, she doesn't need people making it worse. If you are so for hospital births why not offer her some ideas for feeling more comfortable in a hospital? There are many different birthing options (though some are hard for many to come by) and women have different needs and therefore come to different conclusions as to where to birth their babies. All should be respected. Women shouldn't feel judged on any side for their birth choices. IMHO It's a lack of choices that has made the system in this country so bad.