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Old 01-17-2013, 11:45 AM   #11
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Re: Mommy preference -- What do you do?

I think it's fine and necessary to acknowledge emotions but not to let those emotions control what we do as parents. I think giving in is sending a message that the tantrums will work. Of course they are sad. Little kids get sad when they don't get their way LOL! We don't give in here. That kind of behavior gets an, " I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you too but Daddy/Mommy is going to brush your teeth tonight." Then we move right along with life. Sometimes they keep complaining or crying but most of the time they get over it quickly. The more attention you give it, the worse you make it. We are both parents and I never want them to think we are not a united front.

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Old 01-17-2013, 11:51 AM   #12
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Re: Mommy preference -- What do you do?

My 3 yr old is the same age as yours. He is a 8/09 baby. These kids are something else. Mine does the same thing. He freals out if he wants something to be done by me and daddy does it. We do not play into it. We let him fit. I have 4 kids and cannot do it all, although all my boys woudl like that (even the 15 yr old!). You're fine is my new phrase with this child.
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Old 01-17-2013, 12:46 PM   #13
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Re: Mommy preference -- What do you do?

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Both of my boys have big time mommy preference, which is generally just fine as I handle most of their needs BUT sometimes my DH will try to do something like clothe them or brush teeth or buckle a seatbelt and my boys (esp. my oldest since he can vocalize) will get very upset and cry and say "no, mommy has to do it" Normally I just do it to avoid a meltdown but last night my DH brushed DS1's teeth and then DS1 told me I had to rebrush his teeth. He was pretty upset and crying and wouldn't calm down until I took him upstairs to brush.
I try not to change my behaviour to avoid a meltdown. In my mind, that isn't teaching the kids anything except how to manipulate my behaviour. (I fully acknowledge that is hard to do, though, and sometimes I do take the easy road!)

My kids are mommy-attached, too, but when Daddy is at home and available to help than he does! If child throws a fit about it, we may first explain 'that everyone helps in this family' or 'that is rude,' but we're even more likely to say 'not appropriate!' and keep moving onwards or 'not appropriate! Go to your room if you'd like to have a fit' in as much of a sing-song voice as I can muster. Pretty quickly they get the point that whoever is right beside you will wipe your face/clip you in/help with bib, etc and they stop having a fit for it as frequently.

(FWIW when DD1 is tired or cranky, she resorts to whining for me, and I have found MUCH more success if I stick to my guns than caving because I know she's in a tough spot. She & I both have a better day when she realizes whining all day won't help her.)
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Old 01-17-2013, 01:08 PM   #14
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Re: Mommy preference -- What do you do?

Also, make sure you're not doing anything that would give them the idea that Daddy can't do things, or that he can't do them as well as you. If you are redoing what DH did, the kids will pick up on the idea that Daddy does it wrong.

If there is something your DH does that you really don't agree with, discuss it with him in private later.
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Old 01-17-2013, 01:59 PM   #15
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Re: Mommy preference -- What do you do?

Thank you all for the replies! I am going to look over this page every night before bedtime to remind myself to acknowledge and then let DH do whatever it was.

I really try hard to not micromanage DH in any sense, but I'll be especially alert for any time I might say something or indicate something wasn't up to my standards (normally I'm just so happy he's involving himself I don't care how he does it )
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Old 01-17-2013, 02:01 PM   #16
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Re: Mommy preference -- What do you do?

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Originally Posted by l_Kimmie_l View Post
My 3 yr old is the same age as yours. He is a 8/09 baby. These kids are something else. Mine does the same thing. He freals out if he wants something to be done by me and daddy does it. We do not play into it. We let him fit. I have 4 kids and cannot do it all, although all my boys woudl like that (even the 15 yr old!). You're fine is my new phrase with this child.
Wow! four boys! I am in awe! I keep telling DH we are going to have a girl next baby, but secretly think it will be a boy and then I think "boy oh boy, what am I signing up for!" Mainly joking b/c I love my boys, but you know
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Old 01-17-2013, 02:08 PM   #17
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My kids actually do the opposite. I SAH, so I am the primary caregiver, but DH is super involved when he is home. Because they miss him, when he is here they prefer daddy loads and unloads them from the car or put them to bed (oDS especially). And I usually go with it, because I know they just miss him. We don't do it any differently, they just want his attention.

If tables were turned though and they insisted on only mommy, I'd insist on hubby doing it anyway some of the time. I want the kids to feel close to both of us, and if they see him less and then also push him away when he is home, I would feel we need to work on it. They see me 24/7 and are comfortable and loving with me, so I'm not worried about it when they want daddy time. Once in a while it stings, but I think it is great that they are so attached to hubs. And I know I'll get snuggles later.

Now my youngest can be very rigid in how things are done, but it is more tied to the process/result than the person.
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Old 01-17-2013, 03:57 PM   #18
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Re: Mommy preference -- What do you do?

My kids don't get a choice, but there have been and are times regularly where it just really isn't an option, so they have gotten used to both of us doing things. We tell them mom and dad are a team and work together to help them.

My first 2 are 13 months apart, so we started when our oldest was about 9 months old DH put him to bed every night. It was hard at first, and he hated it at first, but there was no way I was going to be caring for a nb and putting him to bed/waking up with him at night every night.

My second was SUPER high needs and cried for the first 18 months of his life when I left the room for any reason. But I had to shower, and make dinner, etc, so he got daddy time. By the time he was 18 months old, it was no big deal and now you would never know.

DD is the only one who while she prefers me, has never rejected any kind of help or attention from DH, so it's just never been an issue. I did start leaving her with him for 2-3 hours 2 times a week (which included putting them all to bed) when she was about 3 months old though, so she got used to it.

I think it's important for kids to realize that BOTH parents are there to care for them, there is no better parent, but we work together. I give DH lots of opportunities to spend time alone with the kids so they view him as my equal when it comes to caregiving.
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