I need help, bonding with children that are no babies

[mama2LEW]

Dear OP,

You are doing a great job! Your love and concern for all of your children is apparent in your posts. And seeking help is a great first step. Karen Purvis has written some excellent books are adoption and attachment. I see a pp told you about empowered to connect, that would be a great starting part. On that site she has this video discussing how to find the right professional to help your family.

You really do need someone trained in Adoption issues. General drs and therapists won't be able to give enough help. And I am a firm believer in that while things might not ever be for your "adopted" children what they could have been given different birth and early year difficulties, you all and progress and move forward.

Best wishes!

[TeachinAuntie]

I haven't BTDT but I would agree therapy would be a good place to start. Maybe first by yourself, then as a family.

A friend just adopted an almost 4 year old and its been 3/4 months and the little girl is still not 100% bonded to their family. But, they have pretty much become hermits. They only go to the most important special occasion events for the older kids and church. Other than that they stay home & bond...FORCING the kids to learn the family routine and way to follow the rules and be a part of the family.

As far as bonding, part of it is going to be a softening of your heart. At some point there has to be a wall that you've put up to not love them the same as your own kids.

[fostermommyJ]

Originally Posted by L2S2C we are guardians of two children due to a family death. Although we are only guardians, nobody will ever come knocking on our door to take these children from us, so I consider it more of an adoption, we just can't afford the legal process to fight their non exsistant father, but courts say we must get his permission. Anyways, I'm going to try to keep this short, but really its soo long and I don't have anyone to talk to, I don't know who to turn to, I'm at the point of wondering if I can see a family therapist or something... I have three kids of my own, 9 girl, 7 boy, and 4 girl. The other two kids are 6 boy and 4 girl. They have been living with us for two years now. I thought things would be better. I don't want it to seem like I only have bad things to say, I have good things to say too, I'm just trying to keep this short, but the biggest issue is I do not know how to bond to these children. From day 1 I've said they were MY kids, we call all the kids brothers and sisters, etc they call me mommy, etc, but the bond just isn't there. I know they came from a bad situation. Neither child has ever asked or showed one bit of interest in where they real mother went. They came to stay with us when she went into the hospital and by the next day were already calling us mommy and daddy, but the bond isn't there. I honestly don't think either one of them care if we are here or not. They have the same attatchment to strangers as they do to us. I've found the girl sitting on strangers laps at birthday parties and both kids have tried to leave with other people like its no big deal at all! They have odd manerisms (if thats a word) They are so different then any child I've ever dealt with, I will not give them up, but I don't know what to do about the bonding. Both kids have some behavior issues, food hoarding, and things I just dont understand, but how do you bond with a child that isn't yours? I feel like they DESERVE to be loved. I fake it, I hug and kiss them, I say I love you, I try to keep things as equal and even as possible, is there a book? a specialist? Would a family therapist be able to help? I just feel so alone. None of my friends have over 3 kids so they don't even understand the stresses of 5 kids, let alone 2 of them being someone elses and having a host of their own issues....I just don't know where to turn anymore. I have a positive attitude about it, I don't let anyone else know I'm really struggling with this, Im a good faker, but Im tired of faking it. Sorry this got so long...and I'm still leaving out so much

Just curious, are you a stay at home mom? My boys had some trouble attaching at first. But, things drastically improved when I decided to stop working and stay home with them.
Overall, it took a few years for my two oldest boys to attach appropriately. We got one when he was 26 months and the other when he was 2 yrs 9 months. I would say they are appropriately attached to us at this point... One of them is almost 5 and one of them is 6 now. But, the one who is about to turn five is having problems with understanding what a " stranger" is. For example: We are trying to help him understand that it is not appropriate to hug the guy sitting next to him at the barber shop...

[reneaumommy]

I have 2 bios (age 5 and 3.5) and 2 foster kids (age 4.5 and 3.5). I understand the trying to keep everything equal. Sometimes it is exhausting! I also wanted to tell you something that has helped our fosters attach to us. I rock them. I give them a sippy cup of warm chocolate milk, wrap them in a soft blanket and rock them and sing to them. I told them I didn't get to rock them when they were babies so I wanted to pretend they were babies. They love it! The will ask me to rock them now. The 3.5 year old boy was having major tantrums (2 hrs long) prior to starting the rocking. It also helped me like him more. I think it helped me see him as a hurting little boy and not just a trouble maker.

[fostermommyJ]

Originally Posted by reneaumommy I have 2 bios (age 5 and 3.5) and 2 foster kids (age 4.5 and 3.5). I understand the trying to keep everything equal. Sometimes it is exhausting! I also wanted to tell you something that has helped our fosters attach to us. I rock them. I give them a sippy cup of warm chocolate milk, wrap them in a soft blanket and rock them and sing to them. I told them I didn't get to rock them when they were babies so I wanted to pretend they were babies. They love it! The will ask me to rock them now. The 3.5 year old boy was having major tantrums (2 hrs long) prior to starting the rocking. It also helped me like him more. I think it helped me see him as a hurting little boy and not just a trouble maker.

I agree with this 100%. Rocking has helped my boys as well. And, also has helped other foster children that we have had.