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Old 02-12-2013, 12:48 AM   #1
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Can't leave DD

So DD is 5 months old and I basically can't leave her. Around 3 months we went on vacation to visit family and she was tired of all the contact and clung to me, cried when anyone else had her.

Now I leave for more than an hour and she searches for me desperately and cries her heart out. She was exhausted and almost 2 hours past bedtime but would not fall asleep with DH. I got home and she wasn't hungry didn't want the boob, just wanted me. I held her and she was instantly fine. This is not the first time this has happened but both times its been close to bed time so maybe that's part of it.

She is high needs (spirited) and fights sleep like none other unless she is nursed to sleep or I'm wearing her in the wrap. She will cry until shes hoarse. No big deal to me but DH blames her behavior on me. I'm not ready to take away the nutrition she recieves from her bed time feed either. And he won't put the wrap on.

Bottom line what do I do? I know DH doesn't spend enough time with her but when he's home it seriously seems like he holds her for 5 mins at a time before he's ready to put her down to do her own thing so he can do his. Or he hands her off to one of our eagerly awaiting neighbors. I know he doesn't do well with small babies but still!

Do I just not leave her? Does anyone else have this problem?

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Old 02-12-2013, 01:12 AM   #2
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Re: Can't leave DD

I really can't offer any advice but wanted to tell you I am in the same boat. My baby is 14 months old. She just started tolerating dh at about 12 months old. He would try but would give up easily and hand her over. He would tell me to just put a boob in her mouth. I left her with a sitter for the first time last month. I was out for 8 hrs and had to come home because she was crying for me at 11 pm.

Everyone says its my fault she's so attached. I've been a sahm since she was born, co-sleep, bf, and wear her in a wrap. It can be hard on me sometimes but I just deal with it. I love my baby and I'm happy she can depend on me.

Good luck mama!
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Old 02-12-2013, 02:26 AM   #3
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Re: Can't leave DD

My baby is also 5 months today, and I totally understand. She won't take a bottle, and eats all the time (though it's finally slowing down) so I have to be around. DH is great, he cuddles with her for a while, but like yours, puts her down to do her own thing and I can't imagine him ever wearing a wrap. He's a great dad, he just doesn't really know what to do with a tiny baby. Dads aren't made like moms. There are some super nuturing guys out there, but I think they are the exception. Most are, I think, like ours. And for the first year, babies are really dependent on their mommies. But man oh man, once your DD gets a bit older, that Daddy-Daughter thing really clicks in. My oldest DD is 2.5 and she is a total daddy's girl, but for her first year, I was really worried. It's very hard not to get a break, I know. Last night I was joking about giving up the winning lottery ticket for JUST ONE day alone. LOL. I just want to encourage you that this is totally normal, and it's hard. It really is. One thing that has helped with DD2 is not having night be my DH's time with her - they are both cranky. So, in the morning I give her to him while he's in bed, get myself and DD1 ready, and they get a bit of cuddle one-on-one time. Sometimes he still sets her to the side and plays with his phone, but they're still together, and it's something we've all started to treasure. We can only do it 3x a week, so it's special. Also, I don't really "ask" him to hold her "for me" any more. I hand her over, say, "I'm going to (fill in the blank)" but make sure they are short things. Like change over laundry, brush my hair or teeth, etc. and then go get her again. Short breaks help. Being able to do things with 2 hands helps. Not as good as long breaks, but helps. Basically, I just want to give you a virtual and let you know that you WILL get through this.
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Old 02-12-2013, 04:20 AM   #4
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Re: Can't leave DD

Have you tried leaving her during the day with DH instead of bedtime. None of my kids do well the fiirst few years at bed time. Is this your first?

However my DH just figures it out. He is home with them every monday. It has taken him a few years and 3 kids to be super comfortable with babies. I clearly remember the first day I went back to work and DH was home. They were both still in their jammies and in the chair. Pretty sure he sat there and held the baby all day except to warm a bittle and change diapers. LOL!!!! Fast forward 3 kids later and he took DS2 and the baby to get his drivers licence renewed yesterday.

Basically he just needs to keep trying. It will get better. He will figure out the best way to comfort the baby. It may not be the way you comfort the baby and that is okay.
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Old 02-12-2013, 05:56 AM   #5
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Re: Can't leave DD

My seconds was this way, I worked 2 days a week, I HAD to leave him, but he cried most of the time while I was gone.

He cried when DH (or anyone else) held him until he was 18 months old. But it was good for him and for DH for them to spend time together. We talked about it (while he was asleep and not crying for reminder ) and set up a plan of times he would hold the baby. Like once a week while I went grocery shopping. Not long, but enough time that they would start to get used to each other.

Around 18 months DS2 was stuck to DH like glue and wanted to be with him all of the time.

I got involved in other things and DH now has the kids alone for about 8-10 hours a week. It's good for everyone.

Luckily DH wasn't resistant to it, he wanted to help out, but couldn't figure out the best way to do it. Talking through a plan put us on the same page so he knew I was okay with the baby crying when I wasn't there, and it didn't mean he was doing something wrong, that was just what was going to happen for a while.
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:11 AM   #6
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Re: Can't leave DD

IMO...it means you leave her with DH regularly. Go to the groccery. Go for a walk. Go get a coffee. He needs to learn to deal with her, and she needs to learn that he can care for her too. He will learn her cues and to comfort her.
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:17 AM   #7
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Re: Can't leave DD

If my baby is going to cry when I am gone I simply take baby with me. This is my third baby. At 20 months he will now go to his daddy. Sometimes, though not often, he will even stay with daddy. We have daddy play with him when I am present. This way baby gets used to the idea that Daddy is fun to be with.

My husband does at times get frustrated when our babies preferred me. He too would accuse me of making them that way because I would breastfeed on demand, co-sleep, and baby wear. I also wouldn't just let them cry. The thing is when I had my older kids they would have no issue with my mother or sisters, just my husband. The difference was my mother and sisters spent time with my kids. My husband didn't unless I handed baby to him and told him to. This I don't think is just the way men are. I think it is lazy parenting. Sure some are more nurturing than others by nature. I don't think anyone would consider babies to be scintillating conversationalists. However not spending time with your own offspring is simply lack of interest. We have changed things with our youngest. With our youngest my husband has tried to spend more time with him from the time he was born. Baby does still prefer me but he does, unlike his older siblings at the same age, also like to go to his Daddy.
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:25 AM   #8
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Re: Can't leave DD

I may get flamed for this but I really do think that a lot of moms (in general) are at fault. They take on all the parenting roles and are always the ones that soothe and never leave the kids with anyone, not even the dads. Really can we expect the dad's to know what to do if they are never given the opportunity or always underminded.

I know that DH and I are different from a lot of other familys but he is a parent, not a babysitter. He needs to be able to care for the kids with out me having to leave notes, ect. I know with out a doubt that I can walk out the door and leave all three kids in his care and not have to worry. If something wierd is going on he may call and see if I have any advise just like I would or he googles it. Just like the day the baby wouldn't take a bottle. He googled "breastfed babies that refuse bottle" and you know what he got her to take a bottle. I didn't need to rush home and "rescue them"
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:30 AM   #9
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Re: Can't leave DD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nerissa View Post
I may get flamed for this but I really do think that a lot of moms (in general) are at fault. They take on all the parenting roles and are always the ones that soothe and never leave the kids with anyone, not even the dads. Really can we expect the dad's to know what to do if they are never given the opportunity or always underminded.

I know that DH and I are different from a lot of other familys but he is a parent, not a babysitter. He needs to be able to care for the kids with out me having to leave notes, ect. I know with out a doubt that I can walk out the door and leave all three kids in his care and not have to worry. If something wierd is going on he may call and see if I have any advise just like I would or he googles it. Just like the day the baby wouldn't take a bottle. He googled "breastfed babies that refuse bottle" and you know what he got her to take a bottle. I didn't need to rush home and "rescue them"
To a degree I think you are right but I also think the husband is also at fault. Many times I have been busy when my baby would cry. Instead of soothing him I would have my husband holding my baby hovering over me demanding I take baby. He would get mad at me when I told him he could at least try to make baby happy. Then as baby got older and of course wante me not him I would get the blame for making him that way.
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:04 AM   #10
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My 1st was a Daddy's girl. As soon as DH was home she wanted him. She would literally push away from me. She only wanted me when sick or hurt.

DD2 was my "barnacle baby". She wouldn't even go to DH til 12 months old for more than 5 minutes. We worked on it a lot once she weaned and it got better.

My SILs 1st baby was a clinger too. We all thought she was just crazy overprotective. Turns out he had major undiagnosed food allergies. Same with my friends 2nd.

Sometimes moms bring it on themselves inadvertently. Sometimes dad's aren't willing to put in the effort to learn other ways of soothing. I feel I was partially to blame for DD2, not necessarily because she was a comfort nurser (DD1 was bottle fed and DH did his share there), but because I held her the most as an infant. I tended to "hoard the baby" because she was never a great sleeper and I was scared to wake her.

But personality of baby also plays a role IMO.

I agree with PP, leave her with him at a time other than bedtime. Good luck!
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