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Old 02-15-2013, 04:47 PM   #61
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Re: February Chat Thread

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I'm struggling lately with how much to tell caseworkers/therapists and then when I do not coming off as though I think bio's are the devil and the kids have zero attachment to them. Does anyone kwim? Recently I told the caseworker some things that I had been keeping to myself, because I felt like if I told her she would think I was out to get bios and just wanting to keep dfd. But due to problems she was having I came out with it anyway. I felt like caseworker was like "holy crap, I had no idea, why haven't I heard this before" but didn't say that, just got the vibe. Then afterwards I felt guilty like I made it sound like dfd has no love for bios. OMG I could drive myself bonkers worrying about all this. Does anyone have any idea what I'm talking about and how do you deal???????
I always feel this way but I really don't have any advice...... I felt this way the most with the kids advocate!!! She made it seem like everything I said was unimportant. I thought she would be the one to tell things to but actually the mental health specialist is the one who listens the most. She actually cares about what goes on more than anyone else. I dont feel like she is just appeasing me but actually listening and working to make things better.

AFM: Well we have again gone back on what we said! Do you sense a theme here?? First we said we wouldn't do foster care just adoption. Now we are in the middle of fostering. Than we said we would only do one and did two. That didn't work out and we said DEFINITELY one at a time..... Now we just said yes to a little girl with special needs.

Once we had a little time removed from X-man I realized how much I wasn't crazy and it really was his behaviors that made it so hard. It was far from the norm and I now have so many more answers about why everything happened the way it did.

We got the call for a little girl a few days ago and we took some time to think about it. She has a trach and ventilator. She will possibly need a feeding tube. She was 4 months premature which is the cause of her problems. It looks like she is going to be permanent though. They are not holding out any hope for RU at this time. I am not sure if that may change as I don't have many details yet. We still feel a little apprehensive but I think we will feel better/ more sure about things when we get to talk to the doctors and visit her. Hopefully that will happen next week. I would like to know a lot more about her long term prognosis.

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Old 02-15-2013, 05:01 PM   #62
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I never know what to say to anyone. Ive never found myself thinking "why didn't I say that" and all the time I think "why didn't I just shut up!" So im trying to stay quiet with everyone.

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I have no advice. I can see how you would feel like you were tattling or something or just pushing your own agenda of wanting to adopt. I'm sure it's a hard balance to strike.

We are in the home stretch. Tuesday is birthdad's last day to contest and we haven't heard from him since our failed attempt at a conference call. It appears he wants out of the picture.

I've been texting regularly with birthmom. She seems to be leaning toward adoption for this new baby. His/her dad says he's not ready for a child (he already has one with her that he doesn't help with) and she has said she can't take care of anymore kids on her own. I haven't asked her what he thinks about the adoption potential. I'm hoping that Abraham and I can fly down to visit her this spring, potentially even to go to an appt with her (20 week ultrasound perhaps). I'd like to talk to her in person about all of this and she's been wanting to see Abraham.
Fingers crossed for dad staying quiet! You can always have a relationship with him down the road...after the legal aspect is out if the way. I'm glad you have such a great relationship with bm!
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Old 02-16-2013, 02:38 PM   #63
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I always feel this way but I really don't have any advice...... I felt this way the most with the kids advocate!!! She made it seem like everything I said was unimportant. I thought she would be the one to tell things to but actually the mental health specialist is the one who listens the most. She actually cares about what goes on more than anyone else. I dont feel like she is just appeasing me but actually listening and working to make things better.

AFM: Well we have again gone back on what we said! Do you sense a theme here?? First we said we wouldn't do foster care just adoption. Now we are in the middle of fostering. Than we said we would only do one and did two. That didn't work out and we said DEFINITELY one at a time..... Now we just said yes to a little girl with special needs.

Once we had a little time removed from X-man I realized how much I wasn't crazy and it really was his behaviors that made it so hard. It was far from the norm and I now have so many more answers about why everything happened the way it did.

We got the call for a little girl a few days ago and we took some time to think about it. She has a trach and ventilator. She will possibly need a feeding tube. She was 4 months premature which is the cause of her problems. It looks like she is going to be permanent though. They are not holding out any hope for RU at this time. I am not sure if that may change as I don't have many details yet. We still feel a little apprehensive but I think we will feel better/ more sure about things when we get to talk to the doctors and visit her. Hopefully that will happen next week. I would like to know a lot more about her long term prognosis.
I can't wait to hear an update on this baby!
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Old 02-16-2013, 03:10 PM   #64
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So super fun around here (read the tone, thick with sarcasm). 2 yr old DFD's mom made a formal, false allegation yesterday that we were sexually abusing her. After 5 hrs at the ER, lots of police investigation questions, and sweet LO being subjected to a SANE exam, we were ccleared. But I'm really, really angry and hurt.
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Old 02-16-2013, 04:32 PM   #65
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So super fun around here (read the tone, thick with sarcasm). 2 yr old DFD's mom made a formal, false allegation yesterday that we were sexually abusing her. After 5 hrs at the ER, lots of police investigation questions, and sweet LO being subjected to a SANE exam, we were ccleared. But I'm really, really angry and hurt.
Are you serious?!?! That poor baby. That had to be so stressful for all involved.
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Old 02-16-2013, 05:26 PM   #66
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Re: February Chat Thread

Wow, Jen! How sad!!! I am so sorry your family has to go through that!!!
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Old 02-16-2013, 07:51 PM   #67
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Re: February Chat Thread

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I can't wait to hear an update on this baby!


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Originally Posted by jenfostermom View Post
So super fun around here (read the tone, thick with sarcasm). 2 yr old DFD's mom made a formal, false allegation yesterday that we were sexually abusing her. After 5 hrs at the ER, lots of police investigation questions, and sweet LO being subjected to a SANE exam, we were ccleared. But I'm really, really angry and hurt.
So Sorry mama I can't even imagine how you must feel right now
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Old 02-17-2013, 09:30 AM   #68
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Re: February Chat Thread

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Originally Posted by jenfostermom View Post
So super fun around here (read the tone, thick with sarcasm). 2 yr old DFD's mom made a formal, false allegation yesterday that we were sexually abusing her. After 5 hrs at the ER, lots of police investigation questions, and sweet LO being subjected to a SANE exam, we were ccleared. But I'm really, really angry and hurt.
oh my goodness. So sorry!!
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Old 02-17-2013, 12:47 PM   #69
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Re: February Chat Thread

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Originally Posted by jenfostermom View Post
So super fun around here (read the tone, thick with sarcasm). 2 yr old DFD's mom made a formal, false allegation yesterday that we were sexually abusing her. After 5 hrs at the ER, lots of police investigation questions, and sweet LO being subjected to a SANE exam, we were ccleared. But I'm really, really angry and hurt.
Wow - Mama. I'm sorry she put you (and her dd!) through that . What did she think she would gain from that? Just so incredible how some people think

Thinking about going through that - probably most foster parents' worst fear, I am wondering two things. How do you explain that to your children? Do you tell them her mom said you were hurting her and they had to check and make sure you weren't? And what if you had not been cleared immediately and they had some unresolved concern. If they went so far as to have your dfd moved, would there have been any possibility of your children being removed as well? I think for some this is the key fear that keeps them from fostering, the impact on their children of allegations.
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Old 02-19-2013, 06:45 AM   #70
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This is one of my biggest fears. I was just texting with jen the other day and my dh crunched some numbers (because he is a total geek!) And with the number of children jen has fostered it comes out to about a 2.7% ocurrance of false allegations. Pretty good odds. Im more concerned with how it was handled initially, the SW was not very supportive of jen.
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