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Old 03-02-2013, 11:40 AM   #31
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Re: DH wants to convert. I dont understand...

What about his decision to convert bothers you? I know that personally my faith journey has changed quite a lot over the years. I was raised nothing until my mom remarried, celebrated Jewish holidays from the age of 11-18 (plus a very non Christ centered Christmas), started going to church at age 20, was baptized in the Episcopal Church at 24, and at 36 am now a practicing Presbyterian. It could just be a natural progression of where his life has taken him.

For those of you worried about the children, in Judaism, religion is passed down through the mother, so if the mother is not Jewish, then the children won't be seen as Jewish. (Huge in my family as my mom had to convert to Judaism when she married my step-dad because it was important to him that his children be Jewish.)

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Old 03-02-2013, 12:11 PM   #32
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Re: DH wants to convert. I dont understand...

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I would absolutely understand the upset if OP's DH were Catholic, and then converted to Judaism. As I said, if my DP went from being atheist (a specific belief) to Jewish or Christian or anything else, I would be utterly crushed. But, if he were openly just kind of nothing, no commitment to any one thought system, I couldn't see getting upset.
Hopefully the op will chime in to clear this up. But as I read it they had agreed to raise the children Catholic. So even though he wasn't Catholic he was agreeing to go along with it and now he isn't going to agree to that anymore because of his conversion to Judaism. So rather he believed in the Catholic faith or not he was going along with it. But to me (obviously I am not the op)it seems like the op is upset that because of his conversion he will no longer be in agreement with that plan for their family.
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Old 03-02-2013, 12:17 PM   #33
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Hopefully the op will chime in to clear this up. But as I read it they had agreed to raise the children Catholic. So even though he wasn't Catholic he was agreeing to go along with it and now he isn't going to agree to that anymore because of his conversion to Judaism. So rather he believed in the Catholic faith or not he was going along with it. But to me (obviously I am not the op)it seems like the op is upset that because of his conversion he will no longer be in agreement with that plan for their family.
I read it differently. It seems as he wasn't practicing and that was fine to her. Now he is practicing, but it's Judaism. She says she and the kids do not go with him to synagogue so I don't see how his personal conversion impacts her or the kids at all?
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Old 03-02-2013, 12:27 PM   #34
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I would sit down with your priest and talk with him. Obviously we came from the Jewish faith and we believe in the same God and both believe in the old testament. I think he can help both of you work through this. Also I would suggest meeting with his Rabbi. I think both of your spiritual leaders knowing what is going on would be beneficial. I completely understand why you feel deceived. If dh decided to convert to another faith or leave the Church that would not be ok with me,we had an agreement this isn't something I am willing to change. He is an adult and I can't control his feelings but I would expect him to keep his word and raise our kids Catholic. If he wanted to convert I wouldn't have any right to stop him but it wouldn't understand. I wish I had some words to make it better but all I can say is I understand how you feel and I am sorry this is hard for you.
I agree completely with this.

I am Catholic and we agreed before we married that the kids would be raised Catholic. DH was a non practicing Christian when I met him. He celebrates mass with us ( not communion) and is involved with the kids church activities. If he suddenly decided to convert to another religion I would be upset. I understand that it is his faith journey and I should support that, but I like the cohesiveness of one religion in the family. My children understand the people have different beliefs but I think it would b difficult to celebrate two faiths that different in the same house.

While they are both Abrahamic religions there are some major differences that I wouldn't be comfortable dealing with. So while I am sure it isn't a popular opinion to have, I would be upset. OP I totally get where you are moving from.

I still feel like I am not explaining this very well.
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Old 03-02-2013, 12:53 PM   #35
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Re: DH wants to convert. I dont understand...

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I read it differently. It seems as he wasn't practicing and that was fine to her. Now he is practicing, but it's Judaism. She says she and the kids do not go with him to synagogue so I don't see how his personal conversion impacts her or the kids at all?
I also didn't get that he agreed to anything. I am thinking he would like her or the kids to go maybe? That could be where part of the issue lies?
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Old 03-02-2013, 01:04 PM   #36
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Re: DH wants to convert. I dont understand...

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I think what would be hard for me and we are a catholic family is that our faith is very important as a family, and it is good that we all practice the same thing. I converted to Catholicism and my DH was raised Catholic. It is good for us as a family to go to mass, celebrate together. I think it would be hard if I took the kids to mass by myself while he went somewhere else. We tried many churches before because I was Protestant and ot agreeing on a church was hard. We tried Unitarian to and it wasn't right for us.

I would be ok with him exploring his faith, but maybe a compromise, like once a month, we all go to mass together?
Sure, that sounds great, but would you reciprocate by having the family attend synagogue together once a month?

I don't really "get" faith or religion in general, but I don't understand why one half of a couple would feel as though his or her religious convictions should take precedence over the other's.
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Old 03-02-2013, 01:09 PM   #37
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Re: DH wants to convert. I dont understand...

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Sure, that sounds great, but would you reciprocate by having the family attend synagogue together once a month?

I don't really "get" faith or religion in general, but I don't understand why one half of a couple would feel as though his or her religious convictions should take precedence over the other's.
I might, but we have already made the commitment to raise our children Catholic, so having a change of heart for himself shouldn't affect our children.

In our particular instance, I converted to Catholicism so we could all share one faith. It would be really weird to me, after a year of RCIA if my DH decided he no longer wanted to be Catholic.
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Old 03-02-2013, 01:15 PM   #38
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Re: DH wants to convert. I dont understand...

I'd be thrilled if my husband starting believing in pretty much any God, so I can't relate to your disappointment. I also believe in Gods will, so if he was to fall heavily into Catholicism, for example, I would pray and put faith in God that we could make it work.
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Old 03-02-2013, 01:32 PM   #39
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Re: DH wants to convert. I dont understand...

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I might, but we have already made the commitment to raise our children Catholic, so having a change of heart for himself shouldn't affect our children.

In our particular instance, I converted to Catholicism so we could all share one faith. It would be really weird to me, after a year of RCIA if my DH decided he no longer wanted to be Catholic.
I guess that I don't see religion as static...my opinions, views, values, etc. have changed significantly over time; certainly I think that many people are raised in X faith or X church, and they keep those values over the lifespan, but I think there are many, many people whose views or values change over time, and in many cases that may affect religious affiliation, or in some cases create a significant amount of dissonance.

Likewise, I think that if one's values are truly congruent with whatever faith, than attending services in a different place of worship doesn't inherently affect one's faith. Attending synagogue once a month doesn't make one's children any less Catholic. Plus, I mean, I guess I understand the whole "we'll raise the children X" thing, but again, I see faith as dynamic, and even major things change throughout couple-dom. Both for DP and I and SIL and her husband...when we got together, kids were off the table. But a few years in, DP (or SIL) decides she wants kids. I'm pretty sure if I had dug in on that & pulled the "well we agreed..." I'd be the jerk, but somehow when we're talking about religion, especially when we're talking about mom's religion, suddenly it's okay?
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Old 03-02-2013, 01:40 PM   #40
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Re: DH wants to convert. I dont understand...

I grew up in a family that is two religions. Methodist and Catholic actually. On the surface it shouldn't seem like those two religions are all that different but my poor father (the Methodist) got an awful lot of flack for not being Catholic by my Mother's family and the priest at her church. Insinuations and full out accusations about my Methodist side of the family going to hell were constantly made. My Mom was also chastised if she would attend a Methodist service once a year or so. But their marriage remained strong because they were respectful of one another and my sisters and I were raised to respect ALL faiths.

Maybe I can offer some insight from your husbands point of view because my husband and I went through something similar as to what you are going through now. I was raised Catholic and so was DH, we worshipped together before marriage and got married Catholic. But through our marriage process in that church I grew a strong distaste in my mouth and went on a long spiritual journey where I realized that I'm not Catholic or any modern Christian religion that worships today. DH was supportive of me. I feel so strongly about my new beliefs (beliefs that I feel I always had but just didn't honor as much as I should have) that I feel VERY uncomfortable even just walking into our old church. DH still identifies as Catholic but respects my feelings and we now worship in a local church (non-Catholic), that even though I still don't hold their same beliefs I feel welcome and wanted there. DH also enjoys the church and we occasionally go to a Catholic mass for him. I think some of my beliefs bother DH but he is respectful of me and doesn't get upset when I explain beliefs to the kids like, "Mama believes __________and Papa believes___________and some people believe__________."

I think if a marriage were to experience one member go on a separate spiritual journey and the other member insisted, without care to their spouse, that the original agreements on how to spiritually raise the children should still be honored, then it would show lots of disrespect and a lack of support.

Spirituality is something that changes as a person ages. It is not something that you can predict will never change when you get married. So when changes arise it needs to be met with another set of agreements and compromises. Isn't a good marriage about constant compromise??? Spirituality shouldn't be excluded from that.
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