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Old 01-31-2013, 09:12 PM   #21
Beth.
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Re: Any advice?

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Originally Posted by sunnymommy View Post
Gosh, I have been thinking about this since you posted. Here is what I have finally come down to. Personally, I would try to make it as small a deal as possible. You are expecting it to be a really big deal, and it may be. But, I think the whole idea of what is now suggested as best for the kids for them to just always have known the facts of their life from when they were very small is so that there never is a "big telling". I think it usually happens in a practical manner when the child says something which they reasonably assume about being in your tummy before they were born and then you correct them. At least that's how it first came up for my dd when she was 3. Then as they get older each time it comes up again you answer their questions and so the story is gradually built up as they get old enough to handle each part of it and they think about it some more. That's the part you have missed, the just always knowing as long as he can remember part. Is there some way you can mention this brand new information to him in a similarly not a big deal way when it comes up? Oh, you weren't in my tummy sweetheart, you were in your birth mommy's tummy. Her name is X. No, we didn't mean for it to be a secret; it just hasn't come up before. She couldn't take care of you. etc. Since he is older now there will be more questions and thinking on his part now, say all the ones he would have gone through between 3 yrs old and 7 yrs old but not yet the ones he will get to when he is older. You just need to get him caught up that much.
That's so gentle! And exactly how my then 3 year old starting to put things together. The words didn't mean anything (birth mom, adoption, etc) until she saw her daycare provider pregnant, getting bigger and then there was a baby. Then the questions and understanding started and we build a little at a time.

Good luck, momma. None of us envy the situation you are in.

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Old 02-01-2013, 01:32 PM   #22
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Re: Any advice?

We have been trying not to turn his world too far upside down all at once. My hubby and I sat down and talked about this again last night. We are going to tell him either over spring break or first week of summer break. We really feel like we have to have no obligations to anything other than him when we tell him. Just in case. I want either my hubby or I to be there 24/7 with him after he knows. I don't want anyone else trying to explain things for him. And if he has a hard time with it, he won't have to deal with school at the same time.
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:56 PM   #23
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Re: Any advice?

I think a lot will hinge on your attitude in bringing it up. You can either make it a big deal, "Honey, sit down, there's something we need to tell you." and then asking lots of questions about what he thinks and feels, and "watching" him for reactions for the next days. Or you can somehow get it to come up naturally and just nonchalantly offer the information like it's not a big deal, (Well, no, you weren't in my tummy, but I am your Mom. I loved Daddy and you and we wanted to be a family.) and of course answer whatever questions he asks. It really doesn't change anything - you are still his mom, he is still your son, you love him, you take care of him the same as always. He just wasn't in your stomach. That's all.
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:44 PM   #24
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Re: Any advice?

Looking back at baby photos together may be a way to ease into the conversation I think... My kids love to look at theirs. Well, my bio kids have pics of me pregnant and holding them as newborns and the first year, etc. my adopted kiddo, no pics if newborn with me, we got him as foster at 8 months.
I agree, it shouldn't be done as a "big deal secret announcement" thing, more a casual, oh, I met u when u were xx months, you were such a cute toddler, etc.. Your daddy & I got married after (cue wedding pics of the 3 of u together?)...
You are his mom, but yes, there is also a bio mom and it needs to be mentioned!
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:44 PM   #25
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Re: Any advice?

Looking back at baby photos together may be a way to ease into the conversation I think... My kids love to look at theirs. Well, my bio kids have pics of me pregnant and holding them as newborns and the first year, etc. my adopted kiddo, no pics if newborn with me, we got him as foster at 8 months.
I agree, it shouldn't be done as a "big deal secret announcement" thing, more a casual, oh, I met u when u were xx months, you were such a cute toddler, etc.. Your daddy & I got married after (cue wedding pics of the 3 of u together?)...
You are his mom, but yes, there is also a bio mom and it needs to be mentioned!
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