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Old 03-17-2013, 05:54 PM   #11
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There is to much being derived from something DSS said. All children can misunderstand what something means, and you don't know the exact words she used. Even if she did say that they were still together, it's technically not a lie, they are still married and until the divorce is final, they are together on the paperwork in the view of the gov.

It sounds like your really bothered by this. Are you afraid she wants to get back together with your BF and will not sign divorce papers now?
It's def part of my fears. She's said things in the past that have hinted at her missing him and the marriage. But that ship sailed forever ago. What bothers me the most is my relationship w dss. We are trying to make things as stable as possible and trying to take the confusion out of things for him. Recently he told us he is depressed and not happy, he's 6!!!!! We tell him all the time we love him and do nice things for him and make the house a place he can call home. We don't want our care and hard work under minded by a "technicality".

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Old 03-17-2013, 06:35 PM   #12
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Re: what do i tell me step son...

Sounds like you are doing a great job! At least he will have a stable place at your home. I would be clear that if he has any questions to ask his dad on how things really stand between his bio mother and him. Only dad has the influence to change things. Keeping a steady head through it all, and avoiding getting involved in "mama drama" will never undermine your relationship with your DSS. If anything keeping your cool will go a long ways toward building a very strong relationship.
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:01 PM   #13
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I think that is super irritating but not worth causing a big drama over.

If you are creating a stable home Dss will recognize that and feel at home.

I have seen this play out in my own - albeit very different situation. I told xh for years that it was up to him to make his place a home but instead he focusses tons of attention on her with crazy demands and always in competition with us. We have never competed, just tried to make sure we are a family. Where do you think she feels most connected and at home?

And it's not just about custody. My step siblings felt the same way about our home and they were only with us every other weekend.

My brothers kids are the same way and they split their time until the oldest refused to go to her mom anymore.

DSS will be best served by keeping things as civil as possible so my advice is to focus on managing the crazy ex as best you can by choosing your battles, and helping DSS understand without revealing too much of the adult tension (sounds like you already do this).

I would ignore this and just explain to DSS that his mama meant that mom and dad will always be together in their love for him but that they won't be living together, that he has two homes now and two families to love him etc etc.
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Old 03-18-2013, 03:16 PM   #14
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I think that is super irritating but not worth causing a big drama over.

If you are creating a stable home Dss will recognize that and feel at home.

I have seen this play out in my own - albeit very different situation. I told xh for years that it was up to him to make his place a home but instead he focusses tons of attention on her with crazy demands and always in competition with us. We have never competed, just tried to make sure we are a family. Where do you think she feels most connected and at home?

And it's not just about custody. My step siblings felt the same way about our home and they were only with us every other weekend.

My brothers kids are the same way and they split their time until the oldest refused to go to her mom anymore.

DSS will be best served by keeping things as civil as possible so my advice is to focus on managing the crazy ex as best you can by choosing your battles, and helping DSS understand without revealing too much of the adult tension (sounds like you already do this).

I would ignore this and just explain to DSS that his mama meant that mom and dad will always be together in their love for him but that they won't be living together, that he has two homes now and two families to love him etc etc.
I think that is great advice!! Its true, he tells us he wants to live here all the time. He barely talks about her or her bf. He tells me he loves me and gives me random hugs its sweet. But we can't raise him the way we want 100% bc there is the outside influence we can't control. We spend the first half of the weekend getting him back to a sweet happy kid. And then when it's time to return him he is the way that we want him to behave.
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Old 03-24-2013, 02:03 PM   #15
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Believe me, with time and routine it gets better! It was chaos with my step daughters adjusting to switching homes, but now years later they just know that is life and don't need to adjust so much. It really helped to get a consistent schedule so they knew what days they were at each house and expected it.
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Old 04-02-2013, 11:56 PM   #16
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Things I used to say when my SD said "my mom said..."
"That's interesting"
"Hmm"
"Oh yeah?"
"I don't know"
"You'll have to ask your father"
"Sometimes we don't know the whole story"
Etc.

Above all I never shut her down no matter what she was telling me, I never said a single bad word about her mother (in fact sometimes I almost choked getting out supportive words lol), and I never ever reacted.

Now 7 years later we are able to co parent. Divorce is so hard on kids. It is imperative to keep their best interests in mind. I still remember a particularly rough weekend with her around 7 or 8 years old. I know she has always questioned if mom wants her around, but somehow she got into her head that child support was something dad paid so he didn't have to keep her. This was despite us having her every weekend and being kind and supportive, spending lots of time with her, etc. She lived with that thought for a month (and was a terrible brat lol) before it came out. Poor thing.

Hang in there, you have a tough road ahead of you.
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Old 04-11-2013, 02:06 PM   #17
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Re: what do i tell me step son...

Definitely tell the dad and stay out of the middle. Don't make a huge deal of it. Either it was a miscommunication or she was trying to get to you . Shrug it off and let your bf clarify things to your ss.
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Old 04-17-2013, 08:59 AM   #18
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Question- has the divorce been initiated at the court? As long as one person has filed even if the other person does not respond it makes the case open. Since 2.5 years is clearly past the mandatory waiting period (different depending on states) you can file a hearing for "a change in status". Basically u go in and say that u want your stays changed to divorced- no longer married". They can do this even if u are still working out child custody and stuff/finances. You can also ask the judge to help since the X is not co operating in getting e dry thing finale. All court houses have a court facilitator. Some are better than others some are free and some are not (but cheap) you can ask them to help. But basically you want to file a motion and attach to it an order of "change in status". Anyway so there ya go
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Old 04-17-2013, 09:10 PM   #19
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Question- has the divorce been initiated at the court? As long as one person has filed even if the other person does not respond it makes the case open. Since 2.5 years is clearly past the mandatory waiting period (different depending on states) you can file a hearing for "a change in status". Basically u go in and say that u want your stays changed to divorced- no longer married". They can do this even if u are still working out child custody and stuff/finances. You can also ask the judge to help since the X is not co operating in getting e dry thing finale. All court houses have a court facilitator. Some are better than others some are free and some are not (but cheap) you can ask them to help. But basically you want to file a motion and attach to it an order of "change in status". Anyway so there ya go
The divorce is now final. All papers signed all custody figured out. I'm praying she doesn't make things more complicated or painful for DSS.
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Old 04-18-2013, 10:04 PM   #20
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Re: what do i tell me step son...

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