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Old 04-22-2013, 03:00 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by poohbear1208
We have also gotten complemented in the cities at an Olive Garden, and at a really nice seafood restaurant in Disney World. Our kids were 2,4,and 6 at the time, so I'm sure the table behind us just cringed when they saw us coming. But they thanked us when they left and told us our kids were really well behaved and quiet
This is us also! You should see the looks when we walk into a restaurant. You can just see it in their eyes "please don't seat them by us!" But when people leave we always have at least one person compliment on the kids behavior.

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Old 04-22-2013, 03:06 PM   #22
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Re: Is there a negative stigma for well behaved children?

I don't see any real criticism where I am. Perhaps the occasional joke about running a tight ship or keeping them under my thumb, but I take those as compliments.

OTOH, on message boards where everyone shares advice and opinions, it can come across as critical from (usually less experienced) parents who express their lack of need for rules, discipline procedures, etc. My guess is that they either have different ideas of what is acceptable behavior and/or they have kids with "easier" personalities, ages, and stages. I will be the first to say that if I had had DD (my sweet little people pleaser angel) first, I would have thought I was the bestest parent evah and I might not have had any more if I had had DS2 (my stubborn stinker who I've had to train hitting and biting out of) first. Thankfully, I got them in the best order!

It reminds me of a thread (way) back awhile when a mother was lamenting her teen son's reaction to her nursing her baby in her own room (with the door closed and teen barging in). For a looong time that thread focused on using it as a "teachable moment." Then someone else who had teen boys piped up and reminded everyone that the young man had been a jerk to barge in and that all these "teachable moments" would just be lost on him at his stage.

There's a kind of air of superiority in the rules thread from parents who don't need all those rules. Granted, I could boil all mine into "mind me" and only need one rule, but I think that's kind of "cheating."
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:06 PM   #23
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Yeah, I just hate to be thought of as a very strict parent b/c my kids know how to behave when out in public.....and at home. It isn't easy, it is a lot of teaching, modeling, patience, and work to achieve it.

I suppose most of it stems from what I hear on here, but then it makes me wonder what people IRL see and think. I know not to judge unless it is obvious the parents don't discipline. Believe me, there have been times I either want to walk out with a bag over my head or pretend they arent mine, lol. For the most part out kids are well behaved, but we had 4 in 5 years so they are close and it can show.
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:27 PM   #24
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Re: Is there a negative stigma for well behaved children?

I believe there may be, but I don't believe it applies to the parents of most children. Personally, I cringe inside & literally want to rescue children from some parents.

I am deeply saddened for children who appear to have been taught to be seen & not heard, children who appear to be fearful of a parent over an accident or simple step out of line, children who look like their spirit is crushed & gone forever, children who behave as if they are on remote controlled autopilot, children of parents who behave as if their children are not even there, children of parents who act like its a nussiance to have their children around, children of parents who have made it clear that children are not wanted at a restaurant or in a store so they better act like librarians as if their lives depend upon it, children who show their parents the up most respect but are talked to as if they are stupid/silly/insignificant beings by their parents, children of parents who think its their job to turn their kid into something......................
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:58 PM   #25
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Re: Is there a negative stigma for well behaved children?

Hello there everyone!

I have gotten compliments on my children's behavior and I have also been the mom to the really annoyed kid who is drawing a lot of attention to herself. I can get a compliment one minute and then have to remind DDs not to do something the next.

It was said best by another poster who commented that we are seeing a small fraction of what that child is like. It really does depend on the situation, the kid, the parent and whatever else is going on.

It is a bit heart breaking to have others make judgements of other families when they don't know the specifics. You can have the strict parents w/ well behaved kids or you can have the strict parents w/ little terrors just as you can have the parents who are very free range (or whatever we want to call them) who have well behaved kids or free range parents w/ little terrors. One style of parenting doesn't always get you one type of kid.

A wonderful mom on here posted something a while back about how she makes sure the kids basic needs are taken care of to make sure they are content. Surely others are nodding say of course we take care of our kids basic needs (fed, entertained and well rested) but we can't always do those at the right time.

An example I just came back from visiting my sister. We didn't eat much before we left, ate nothing @ my sister's house and then came home. Of course the kids are going to be cranky and annoyed. Do I think I am a bad parent? not at all but I should have planned better.

I see it as we can't always be on our best behavior. Kids or adults. Most of the time I am well behaved but there have been times when I have done things that weren't kosher. Why should I expect different from my DDs?

Either way people are going to have thoughts about your lack or your doing too much of this or that. How frequently do we comment on the perfect parents? I don't see it happen and I stopped hoping to be the perfect parent a while ago.
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Old 04-22-2013, 03:58 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by raymark
I believe there may be, but I don't believe it applies to the parents of most children. Personally, I cringe inside & literally want to rescue children from some parents.

I am deeply saddened for children who appear to have been taught to be seen & not heard, children who appear to be fearful of a parent over an accident or simple step out of line, children who look like their spirit is crushed & gone forever, children who behave as if they are on remote controlled autopilot, children of parents who behave as if their children are not even there, children of parents who act like its a nussiance to have their children around, children of parents who have made it clear that children are not wanted at a restaurant or in a store so they better act like librarians as if their lives depend upon it, children who show their parents the up most respect but are talked to as if they are stupid/silly/insignificant beings by their parents, children of parents who think its their job to turn their kid into something......................
Wow, I have never seen that.
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:03 PM   #27
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Re: Is there a negative stigma for well behaved children?

I think there is a spectrum. There are obviously parents who are blessed with one or even two very easy children and I will admit I roll my eyes when they give parenting advice. If you have never truly needed to do much more than issue a gentle "not now" and your child jumped to do as you asked you cannot understand what it is like to raise special needs children. I don't judge the parents for having well behaved children unless they feel the need to "help me" with my kids. My children are not bad, they are handling the world as best they can and we are doing our best to help them. On the other hand I think it is easy to tell when children truly fear their parents and "behave" out of fear rather than an understanding of the rules or desire to please and get along. While I try not to judge other parenting styles it is hard not to judge people who use intimidation as a child rearing tactic. As far as having age appropriate limits and teaching children to live by them in a loving manner, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. My boys are never going to be as calm and well mannered as some other children but I still manage to get compliments on their behavior so I must be doing something right. Some days they are going to be tired, grumpy or over stimulated but we do our best to understand their needs and meet them. I will try not to judge you on your parenting if you try not to judge me on mine. I assure you we have rules in our home, we just make exceptions for behaviors that are beyond their control.
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Old 04-22-2013, 05:59 PM   #28
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As I discovered in the other strict thread, we apparently aren't that strict. We have an extremely well behaved 3 year old and a typical 1 year old. I think that people do tens to look at well behaved kids and think "oh those parents must really discipline." But I don't think that's a negative thing. I don't think we know the type of people IRL who would view it negatively. I get what you are saying OP.

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Old 04-22-2013, 06:14 PM   #29
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I have heard people say things about how a parent must me strict or mean or the kids are just scared to have fun. I think it's jealousy. My mom got accused of being a scary parent by her friend when I was young because I was so well behaved and never had to be old twice to do something.
When I see a well behaved child I applaud the parent and the child for the good behavior.
Most of the time, I have noticed, overly strict parents have unruly children.
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Old 04-22-2013, 06:35 PM   #30
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Re: Is there a negative stigma for well behaved children?

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Originally Posted by expaik View Post
Honestly I don't think I've seen negative stigma against well behaved kids.

What I've seen is a negative response to parents who are perceived to be criticizing other parents for not keeping their children in check.

It is this perceived criticism which results in defensiveness, and a backlash against the seemingly holier-than-thou attitude of the "judging" parents.

Please note the quotes and the objective way that I have phrased the above. I am not implying fault on either side of the camp, only saying what is being perceived. Lord knows I've been on both sides at different times!

Agreed.
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