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Old 05-23-2013, 11:05 PM   #201
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Now your talking. No more attacks.

I like the college account. It could even be something they get at 21 or something like that if the parents pay for college on their own without touching the money. That would be a nice little nest egg for the adult child trying to start out on his or her own.
I've put a ridiculous amount of effort into researching accounts for my kids, as I plan on doing just that for them with their CS (and savings contributions of my own) after I establish my career. How amazing would it be to start out life as an adult with buying a car out right, putting yourself through college with no month to month worry or loans, or buying a house?! I would love to give my sons a leg up like that. The stress relief alone would be phenomenal.

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Old 05-23-2013, 11:09 PM   #202
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I've put a ridiculous amount of effort into researching accounts for my kids, as I plan on doing just that for them with their CS (and savings contributions of my own) after I establish my career. How amazing would it be to start out life as an adult with buying a car out right, putting yourself through college with no month to month worry or loans, or buying a house?! I would love to give my sons a leg up like that. The stress relief alone would be phenomenal.

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I graduated college with a paid-for car and no debt whatsoever thanks to parents like you who worked hard to plan well financially. You'll be giving your sons such a gift
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Old 05-23-2013, 11:22 PM   #203
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Re: Second Wives Club

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You really just have no idea the work that is involved with caring for children and maintaining a household while your husband/DP furthers themselves in either extremely demanding jobs or extremely demanding educational programs. I'm saying that in all compassion. The life of a lower-mid twenties, childless, graduate student who is not partnered has almost nothing in common with a married/partnered woman who maintains a household and rears his children while her partner is working/educating himself. Right now you can go where you want, do what you want, work where you want, spend your time however you'd like. As women with children, we can't do that. We sacrifice ourselves- our bodies in pregnancy and birth, our time in childrearing and household maintenance, our dreams, our goals and (for many of us) career ambitions- to mother our children and be supportive partners to our spouses. And if we do all of that and get pooped on in return by our partners leaving us, we deserve compensation for that sacrifice.
exactly what I was thinking :/
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Old 05-24-2013, 07:55 AM   #204
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Re: Second Wives Club

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I've put a ridiculous amount of effort into researching accounts for my kids, as I plan on doing just that for them with their CS (and savings contributions of my own) after I establish my career. How amazing would it be to start out life as an adult with buying a car out right, putting yourself through college with no month to month worry or loans, or buying a house?! I would love to give my sons a leg up like that. The stress relief alone would be phenomenal.

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I can't say enough to describe how huge a gift this is. My parents helped three kids get through university (and grad school for two of us) debt free. We might not have had our own cars and fancy toys growing up but they sure did get us started out well.

We hope to do the same for our son. While we had to drain every other bit of savings we had, his RESP remains untouched.
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:02 AM   #205
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Most kids I know from divorce do not live in this world you are describing. Certainly we didn't.

My dad saw us 22 days a year. He bought none of our clothing, shoes, or toys. Once he did buy us bikes. Except since they stayed with him we rarely got to ride them. He paid for none of our school supplies. He took vacations and canceled our monthly visitation. He paid for none of our haircuts. He only fed us a total of 4-5 meals a month for 10-11 months of the year. So out of each year he was responsible for maybe 55 meals. We did not bathe at his house. We would wash up before going and wash again when we returned home. We didn't have toothbrushes even, when with him. Had to take ours with us. Except he didn't want us to bring bags of clothing or suitcases. . He Said we brought too much stuff with us. We stopped bringing changes of clothing and just slept in the same clothing we wore that day and wore the same the next day.

Other kids I knew growing up had it worse. They never saw their father at all. Some mamas didn't get any child support either.
It sounds like my ex.
He has my DD once a week...for around 24 hours. So he has her 52 days a year. He feeds he dinner and breakfast, most of the time it's from snacks/meals I've provided. He's made it clear that she's my responsibility financially. He's ordered to pay $30 a week in support. I haven't seen any money in 4 months. He hasn't made a full payment in almost a year. He bought her a gift for Christmas, then said she could only play with it at his house and refuses to buy her new batteries (the ones I sent seem to keep disappearing). I don't believe he bought her any school clothes. In the last 4 years I can count on one hand the amount of times he's purchased her clothes. She's only his DD when he needs to show her off. I think the only reason he takes her once a week is because he knows it bothers me. Unless I specifically say "take a bath & feed her" he won't.
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Old 05-24-2013, 09:32 AM   #206
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Re: Second Wives Club

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And who will watch the children while SAHMs spend all of this time volunteering in order to maintain their employment?
Thank you! I CAN NOT volunteer my DH's job requires someone (who ends up being me) to be available for childcare 24/7 365 because he doesn't know when he will have to run out the door. I CAN'T say "sorry hun you can't go work overtime today because I'm lunching" lol. BUT if you can send me this magical free childcare for my 5 children, 2 with exceptional needs - then I would LOVE to work on my "just incase I decide to call it quits I better keep the back door open because maybe one day DH will be a douche or I'll get bored plan".

People keep bringing up what happens if DH dies or looses his job... we have savings, we have disability insurance, we have life insurance - if he decides to up and leave one day - I have insurance for that too - It's CALLED ALIMONY!

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Old 05-24-2013, 09:43 AM   #207
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People keep bringing up what happens if DH dies or looses his job... we have savings, we have disability insurance, we have life insurance - if he decides to up and leave one day - I have insurance for that too - It's CALLED ALIMONY!

You worded that perfectly!
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Old 05-24-2013, 11:28 AM   #208
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Thank you! I CAN NOT volunteer my DH's job requires someone (who ends up being me) to be available for childcare 24/7 365 because he doesn't know when he will have to run out the door. I CAN'T say "sorry hun you can't go work overtime today because I'm lunching" lol. BUT if you can send me this magical free childcare for my 5 children, 2 with exceptional needs - then I would LOVE to work on my "just incase I decide to call it quits I better keep the back door open because maybe one day DH will be a douche or I'll get bored plan".

People keep bringing up what happens if DH dies or looses his job... we have savings, we have disability insurance, we have life insurance - if he decides to up and leave one day - I have insurance for that too - It's CALLED ALIMONY!
Loved this.
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Old 05-24-2013, 12:02 PM   #209
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Re: Second Wives Club

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Originally Posted by mom1mg View Post
Thank you! I CAN NOT volunteer my DH's job requires someone (who ends up being me) to be available for childcare 24/7 365 because he doesn't know when he will have to run out the door. I CAN'T say "sorry hun you can't go work overtime today because I'm lunching" lol. BUT if you can send me this magical free childcare for my 5 children, 2 with exceptional needs - then I would LOVE to work on my "just incase I decide to call it quits I better keep the back door open because maybe one day DH will be a douche or I'll get bored plan".

People keep bringing up what happens if DH dies or looses his job... we have savings, we have disability insurance, we have life insurance - if he decides to up and leave one day - I have insurance for that too - It's CALLED ALIMONY!

I have a similar situation where DH's work schedule is very erratic compared to m-f/9-5 jobs so it is very difficult for me to get even a part time job while watching our kids.


I think it's different (alimony) in every situation. For me.....we decided that I would stay home, honestly....it would be DH who is very happy with this decision. I will work out of home once our youngest starts school. For now I'm happy and it works for us.

So numbers wise....I left my career 10 years ago. His career has been progressing ever since. If we decided to divorce in the morning then I would be at about a 50-60k lower starting point of salary then he is. For a job that would "work" with having kids in school/daycare, home in the evening.

That's what 10 years at home does in a difference in careers.


So I see no problem with alimony to make up for this difference as it was a "joint" decision. It wasn't me saying....I'm staying home....you do it all. It was both of us...and he is very pro me staying home.


Once kids are older or salary is more level than I think it's fine to let go of alimony.
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Old 05-24-2013, 01:38 PM   #210
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Re: Second Wives Club

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I have a similar situation where DH's work schedule is very erratic compared to m-f/9-5 jobs so it is very difficult for me to get even a part time job while watching our kids.


I think it's different (alimony) in every situation. For me.....we decided that I would stay home, honestly....it would be DH who is very happy with this decision. I will work out of home once our youngest starts school. For now I'm happy and it works for us.

So numbers wise....I left my career 10 years ago. His career has been progressing ever since. If we decided to divorce in the morning then I would be at about a 50-60k lower starting point of salary then he is. For a job that would "work" with having kids in school/daycare, home in the evening.

That's what 10 years at home does in a difference in careers.


So I see no problem with alimony to make up for this difference as it was a "joint" decision. It wasn't me saying....I'm staying home....you do it all. It was both of us...and he is very pro me staying home.


Once kids are older or salary is more level than I think it's fine to let go of alimony.
I'm in your boat. DH's career took off so that I could no longer work mine. He asked me to stop working because it was getting in the way for him. I started homeschooling too which may or may not keep me home for the next 18 years. We aren't sure if we are going to homeschool the younger kids, or at some point if the older ones can help look after the younger ones (like when they are 16 and 6 or 18 and 8 it should be ok to leave them home for a few hours so I can go back to work at least part of the time.)
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