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Old 05-25-2013, 09:42 PM   #371
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Re: Second Wives Club

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Originally Posted by drunkenmonkeysmommy1 View Post
Hugs first off. I can't imagine how hard that was.
I should say that it was a rather first world problem. I was always well taken care of and my parents are great people.

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Old 05-25-2013, 09:46 PM   #372
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I kind of think that if you thought of other families' choices being made with this exact same mindset, then maybe a lot of this discussion wouldn't have gone where it did. I get that many people don't understand why I wouldn't want to be able to provide for my kids on my own by myself, but to at least respect that my husband and I have put some thought into the whole thing, weighed the pros and cons, decided what we are capable of, what values we want for our kids...I think that would go a long way toward mitigating some of the mommy wars.
I honestly rarely agree with what you write but you are spot on here! Totally agree.

There are no guarantees in life. The best laid plans yata yata yata. We all try to do what we feel is right. Hey, I just finished a degree in nursing I should earn 65-70,000 to start but I could have an injury and be unable to work. We can only plan so much.
I've been home for 15 years and I wouldn't change a thing. I'm looking forward to being employed. Life is long and has many chapters. I think the point is to be fulfilled with whatever you are doing.
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:47 PM   #373
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Wow, everytime you say this it makes me

I don't understand why you don't get this? She is in her own little bubble of "I can do it so everyone can do it"....well that's just not true. I know of people that have serious diddly squat left at the end of a months budget. No time for school, no money for childcare etc. At some point they will.....but not right now.

You are totally contradicting yourself. "We" see the diversity in how it differs from person to person, from rich to poor. She does not.....or not in her comments of "go get an education"......and "can't is a self fulfilling prophecy" . Again....I'm not even talking about myself here as I can. But I'm thinking of all the other people I know of that seriously just can't.

I also read about those better off then me and try to absorb as much as that great information as I can.

Once again.....there was a nice way to say it. Her ENTIRE post came off as offensive. I'm actually offended for other people, not even myself as I know I can get a job easily if needed.
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Her assumptions, comments, and judgement do not allow for other situations or economic means. In her opinion if something was possible for her and her rich aquaintances it is possible for everyone. This is not a reasonable stance to take on things. I cannot afford to pay to go to work. I do not do lunch with my kids or husband let alone with old coworkers because of expense. It isn't reasonable to expect what you can do to be the same as others can do when they are not living your life.

Also when she insulted others why does she or anyone expect anyone to respect her opinion. It is obvious she does not respect others and their opinions or life experiences.
Do either of your circumstances allow you to do exactly what she did? It sounds like no.

But, could you listen to the intent of her message and use the gist to find small ways to start working towards a plan that would help you move into the workforce if you needed to? You could. Absolutely, you could.

There are free ways to network--one is not limited to lunching with old coworkers. There are free ways to educate yourself in your field (if you went to school) or learn marketable skills (if you did not). There is zero cost to figuring out a plan to work towards, even if the plan is all you can do right now. I'm not saying you must, just that there are ways to do so.

I've been the one at home with pennies stretched so tightly they could snap. I've worked and been in the same boat. I've also stayed at home with a six figure income, and I've worked when we've had a larger six figure income. You can always do things to change your job prospects, improve yourself or your marketability, or give yourself options. You might just have to adjust your attitude to do so.
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:51 PM   #374
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Re: Second Wives Club

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Originally Posted by Belle View Post
I kind of think that if you thought of other families' choices being made with this exact same mindset, then maybe a lot of this discussion wouldn't have gone where it did. I get that many people don't understand why I wouldn't want to be able to provide for my kids on my own by myself, but to at least respect that my husband and I have put some thought into the whole thing, weighed the pros and cons, decided what we are capable of, what values we want for our kids...I think that would go a long way toward mitigating some of the mommy wars.
My entire original post that was so offensive revolved around the fact that a great many women who make the decision with their spouse for them to not gave a marketable jobset, live with the consequence of that decision. How many posts are there in a single week just here on DS from women who become dingle mothers and struggle greatly financially. Women who had no idea what hit them. Women without the education and skills to financially provide for their children.

I don't have a problem with one parent staying at home. I loved being at hone with my kids. Part if the reason I chose the career I am in now is so that I will be home when they get home. But, in a country with close to 50% of marriages ending in divorce, it is a very large risk to stay at home with no means to financially care for your family.
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:53 PM   #375
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Re: Second Wives Club

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Do either of your circumstances allow you to do exactly what she did? It sounds like no.

But, could you listen to the intent of her message and use the gist to find small ways to start working towards a plan that would help you move into the workforce if you needed to? You could. Absolutely, you could.

There are free ways to network--one is not limited to lunching with old coworkers. There are free ways to educate yourself in your field (if you went to school) or learn marketable skills (if you did not). There is zero cost to figuring out a plan to work towards, even if the plan is all you can do right now.

I've been the one at home with pennies stretched so tightly they could snap. I've worked and been in the same boat. I've also stayed at home with a six figure income, and I've worked when we've had a larger six figure income. You can always do things to change your job prospects, improve yourself or your marketability, or give yourself options. You might just have to adjust your attitude to do so.
Mama I think you are not understanding at all. I have already discussed with my husband what I might be able to do to improve my ability to get a job. The assumption from one poster though was that all people regardless can do something right now. No not all of us can. Not right now. Others have decided they do not need to. That is their choice. Only they can decide if it is a bad decision for them and their familiis. Really to tell us all we have to do is to volunteer and do lunch with co workers is a comment totally out of touch with the day to day reality of life for so many.
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:59 PM   #376
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Re: Second Wives Club

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That right there is what I am talking about. It is not always that one is not willing to contemplate those sacrifices. If someone was to come along and pay for my school and ensure that my kids had the best of care while I took classes, i would contemplate it.
But the money IS.NOT.THERE. Child care in general is expensive, and childcare for a child with special needs is even worse. Once again, the money IS.NOT.THERE.
I do not qualify for grants, low income child care, etc, because my husband makes too much money. They do not take into account that he is basically paying for two households 8 months out of the year. Nor do they care about medical an credit debt we have.
It.just.is.not.as cut and dry as you think it is for most.
Do I wish I had finished school and had gotten a my foot wet in a career before I had a baby? You BET. But it did not work that way. Supposedly It was very unlikely I would ever get pregnant,but we still used birth control. Life had other plans. I got pregnant a whole 3 weeks after we got married.
I WILL be able to provide for myself at some point. But if he left me right now, I would be financially crushed. No amount of digging deeper and believing in myself is going to change that..... Unless you want to pay for school
You may not qualify for grants, but there are both subsidized and nonsubsidized federal loans out there. A great number of degrees are offered all or at least mostly online now. No need for childcafe or to come up with tuition while you are in school.

Sure. It doesn't work for everyone. But, I see this dismissal of even the possibility as causing many people to think they can't. Then people call it magical when someone does it. It wasn't magic or wealth that allowed me to start from scratch (I hadn't even taken even a basic biology course in 20 years when I started back). It was hard work.
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Old 05-25-2013, 10:00 PM   #377
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I should say that it was a rather first world problem. I was always well taken care of and my parents are great people.
I hope I did not come off as that I implied the opposite. I apologize if I did.
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Old 05-25-2013, 10:07 PM   #378
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You may not qualify for grants, but there are both subsidized and nonsubsidized federal loans out there. A great number of degrees are offered all or at least mostly online now. No need for childcafe or to come up with tuition while you are in school.

Sure. It doesn't work for everyone. But, I see this dismissal of even the possibility as causing many people to think they can't. Then people call it magical when someone does it. It wasn't magic or wealth that allowed me to start from scratch (I hadn't even taken even a basic biology course in 20 years when I started back). It was hard work.
How do you suppose I do this while basically being a single mother for months at a time and still take proper care of my children though?
I am with the youngest all day. I work with my oldest everyday after school for up to three hours a night on homework. At night I do my sewing to help bring in extra money. And I am babysitting for extra money. When I say extra, I do not mean for frivolous things. It is to help pay for my son's therapy, and past debt.
And putting us further in debt at this time is not an option. Especially since I would most likely not use any degree I earned until the kids are out of school anyways.
For US, it makes more since to go back to school when the kids are older.
I think it is wonderful that you can provide if needed. Even a little jealous in some aspects. But what works for you does not always work for everyone.
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Old 05-25-2013, 10:12 PM   #379
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Re: Second Wives Club

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How do you suppose I do this while basically being a single mother for months at a time and still take proper care of my children though?
And putting us further in debt at this time is not an option. Especially since I would most likely not use any degree I earned until the kids are put of school anyways.
For US, it makes more since to go back to school when the kids are older.
I think it is wonderful that you can provide if needed. Even a little jealous in some aspects. But what works for you does not always work for everyone.
I was wondering how I am supposed to do school work while being constantly interrupted. I learned to knit a year ago. Typically it takes me 10 hours to make a pair of toddler longies. Because of constant interruptions I have had it take up to a month to get it done. With that kind of productivity I don't see how I am going to get school work done. I would have to try to refocus every few minutes. Sure in time I plan on more education as I think we could use me working part time. Unfortunately right now it will have to wait.
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Old 05-25-2013, 10:18 PM   #380
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You may not qualify for grants, but there are both subsidized and nonsubsidized federal loans out there. A great number of degrees are offered all or at least mostly online now. No need for childcafe or to come up with tuition while you are in school.

Sure. It doesn't work for everyone. But, I see this dismissal of even the possibility as causing many people to think they can't. Then people call it magical when someone does it. It wasn't magic or wealth that allowed me to start from scratch (I hadn't even taken even a basic biology course in 20 years when I started back). It was hard work.
Not everyone wants to go into debt for a degree.

We have NO debt. I dont ever plan on having any. Any money we save will go towards college for my kids. I have 2 starting college in the next 2-3 years and will pay for it in full. We will never have debt ever again. For us debt is a finacial disaster and not something we want in our lives.

And it just isnt that easy for most. Plus there are those that plain just dont want to. I have no desire to go to school now or in 20 years when my kids are raised and I am 53 years old. I think I'm gonna join a raquetball league and a knitting group. Work is not on the table. If I had to for some unforseen circumstance (barring my disability getting in the way) I could easily get a job as an office controller/payroll/tax prep. But furthering myself education wise to make my self marketable or "stronger" just isnt something I need or want to do.
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