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Old 06-09-2013, 07:08 PM   #1
Tibbles
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Non traditional adoption, anyone?

I know a young girl who is pregnant, she is 16. She "found out" about 2 weeks ago. I saw her recently and my guess is shes 5-6 months along. I know, right? She goes to the doc, for the first time, on Wednesday. Her parents (one of whom, IS a doctor, btw) are being extremely unsupportive. Theyve done everything but kick her out, and probably wouldve done that if it werent for another friend who took her in for a week while her mom calmed down.

Anyway, mom has already said, "no way" to the girl keep ing the baby. (Yes, I know mom doesnt legally have that right, but whats a 16 y.o. gonna do if shes not getting ANY support at all? Girl is severely immature, moreseo than a normal 16 yo, which is pretty bad. She is still talking about tennis camp this summer, texting boys while my friend is talking to her about pregnancy, etc. She is as disconnected from pregnancy, even real life, as it gets.

Furthermore, she doesnt know who the daddy is, which makes me sad. Ive known this girl since she was a baby and to see her make such careless choices is heartbreaking.

Anyway, I say all this because it has been suggested to me by 3 different people who know me and the girl, that I approach her about letting DH and me adopt her baby. We live in the same (small) town, go to church together, etc so she would almost have to be a part of the childs life, which is fine.
I have already asked her to have lunch w me. I definately want to approach this a a friend first, bc I know that right now she doesnt have anyone other than her equally immature teenage friends.
How do I ease into a conversation about adoption?
How can I help her see this would TRULY be best for the baby, and her?
I guess I do have ulterior motives, BUT even if she decides to choose another family, I still want to be there for her and help her with her pregnancy. I have wanted to adopt my whole life. Maybe this is my chance?

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Old 06-09-2013, 07:32 PM   #2
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Re: Non traditional adoption, anyone?

I guess the best thing to do (IMHO) would to just enjoy a lunch together, and toward the end of it, ask her what she plans on doing with her baby, and if she's considered adoption at all. Then, offer her your full support, and ease into the thought of having an open adoption for her, and let her know how much you've thought about adopting for a long time, and if she does consider adoption, that at least she'd see the baby if you raised it. She may be pretty open to the idea, and if she isn't right away, she'd at least know that there is an alternative if she changed her mind. Let her know you'd love to be part of her whole pregnancy regardless of her decision at the end. Just show her your full support either way
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Old 06-09-2013, 07:43 PM   #3
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Has she said she is keeping the baby to you or anyone close?

I would not approach it unless she has said that she is considering adoption.

If she has then approach her with it. Then be sure to get a good lawyer and definate terms.

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Old 06-09-2013, 08:18 PM   #4
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Wow this is crazy. If she is texting boys and doesn't know who the dad is and is still talking tennis camp I really hope she is considering adoption.

If her parent is a dr why is she so immature and below most 16 yr olds?

I would wait until the end of the lunch. She may just open up completely and say she doesn't know what to do. Then help her write a pros and cons list for keeping the baby and one for adoption. She will understand it much better seeing it that way especially if she is that immature.
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Old 06-10-2013, 12:40 AM   #5
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Op I can't stop thinking about this... When is your lunch scheduled with her?
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Old 06-10-2013, 01:05 AM   #6
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I would urge you to let a little bit of the dust settle before making any recommendations to this poor girl. While you have good intentions, she's in an incredibly vulnerable position right now. And as you pointed out, you have ulterior motives. Being young and immature, she's going to have everyone and their grandma's third cousin trying to tell her "what's best" for her and the baby. Hopefully as her parents come to accept the current situation, they will help her find a counselor to help her talk through her options and make an educated decision for herself. After all, she will have to live with her decision for the rest of her life. I would hate to know that a young girl was forced to give up her baby. Not only does that affect her, it can affect the child too. Please know that I'm a huge advocate for adoption. My mother is an adoptee and very involved in the adult adoptee community. Both of my siblings were teen parents. It is not easy and often not pretty, but it is doable. It's possible that adoption is best for this girl. But what if it isn't? Have a nice lunch with her and let her know you are there to support her. She needs it!
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Old 06-10-2013, 06:52 PM   #7
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Re: Non traditional adoption, anyone?

I think asking for her baby is a pretty awful thing to do. Support her, by all means, but don't ask for her baby. No matter what you think, it's unlikely you have the entire story.
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Old 06-10-2013, 07:06 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Delphiki
I think asking for her baby is a pretty awful thing to do. Support her, by all means, but don't ask for her baby. No matter what you think, it's unlikely you have the entire story.
This. And the previous poster.

My parents went ape crap when I told them I was pregnant right after I turned 17. My parents were wealthy, kicked me out etc. but guess what? They came around in the end (around 7 months pregnant) and love my daughter immensly since the second she was born. Was it tough raising a child as a teen? Yup. But i wouldnt go back and change it.

Give her support, talk with her parents, but please dont tell her you want to adopt her baby. I would have been seriously hurt if an adult woman told me that I couldnt care for my baby and that she wanted it. Teens are very self absorbed. Give her and her family time. If you hear she is considering adoption then by all means offer. But you will need a lawyer, a homestudy etc.
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Old 06-10-2013, 07:13 PM   #9
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Re: Non traditional adoption, anyone?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ktmelody View Post
This. And the previous poster.

My parents went ape crap when I told them I was pregnant right after I turned 17. My parents were wealthy, kicked me out etc. but guess what? They came around in the end (around 7 months pregnant) and love my daughter immensly since the second she was born. Was it tough raising a child as a teen? Yup. But i wouldnt go back and change it.

Give her support, talk with her parents, but please dont tell her you want to adopt her baby. I would have been seriously hurt if an adult woman told me that I couldnt care for my baby and that she wanted it. Teens are very self absorbed. Give her and her family time. If you hear she is considering adoption then by all means offer. But you will need a lawyer, a homestudy etc.


I was a young mom too. *fist bump* I don't understand, is she supposed to stop having a social life because she's pregnant? I mean, we don't expect that of moms who have their kids at the "right" age. The fact that she didn't practice safer sex doesn't have anything to do with her ability to parent (assuming that's what happened. It's possible she knows who the father is and doesn't want to tell.)

There is quite a bit of research showing that younger moms adjust to motherhood much more quickly and easily than their older counterparts. I think she'll do awesome, as most teen mothers do (which is in stark contrast to what our society says.) I'm a part of an online community for teen/young moms and almost all of us have at least one degree and several are working towards their Master's.
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Old 06-13-2013, 10:39 PM   #10
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Tibbles any update?
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