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Old 09-19-2013, 09:16 PM   #41
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Mine are already in their mid to late 70's. They are chugging along fine.

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Old 09-19-2013, 09:35 PM   #42
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Re: Where will you parents/inlaws go when they are olderly?

My mom has had to take care of 3 (both her folks and now aunt)... she makes the 3 hr one way trip and all... Now that I have my own space I don't know if I could take her 100% of the time but maybe a little, but I am hoping that it all gets better as kids will grow and less stuff and thinhgs for my mom to randomly get rid of....

I will let her have as much independence as possible but there will be a line... hubby isn't used to the smothering of my mom as his folks aren't that way.
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Old 09-19-2013, 09:37 PM   #43
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Re: Where will you parents/inlaws go when they are olderly?

My dad will very likely go to a specialized nursing home. He has very advanced multiple sclerosis and his care is already very specialized.

I've promised my mother that I will care for her in my home. I will not let her go to a nursing home. I am absolutely committed to caring for her myself (with in-home help).
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:00 PM   #44
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More and more people go to Assisted Living now a days instead of a nursing home. Some are about the Same as nursing homes, others are like hotels, others are like group homes. There's also SO many in home care programs.
SO much caregiver burnout as well.

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Old 09-19-2013, 11:00 PM   #45
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Re: Where will you parents/inlaws go when they are olderly?

SIL and BIL live in FIL's house, so he will be their problem. MIL has already passed.

My parents live locally, but will NOT come here. They have long term care insurance and will go to a facility when they can't be at home.

My grandparents are also local and refuse to go in a nursing home. My mom makes them dinner every night, and checks on them. They are almost 90 and should NOT be living at home, but my grandpa won't admit he can't care for my grandma, and my mom swears there is no money to put her in a home (though there is plenty of money for it). My grandpa refuses to pay $350 a day for care for her when he thinks he can do it himself. She has Alzheimers and has about a 10 second memory at this point, plus is an amutee, so she is wheelchair bound, and diabetic, but she forgets that she ate, and she is extremely annoying, though she can't help it. All in all, by the end of the day with her, you need a break.

My mom hired them a maid who cleans every other homes in their community, and my grandpa called and cancelled her. He is stubborn and won't let anyone in the house to help.
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Old 09-20-2013, 04:30 AM   #46
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Re: Where will you parents/inlaws go when they are olderly?

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Originally Posted by luvsviola View Post
SIL and BIL live in FIL's house, so he will be their problem. MIL has already passed.

My parents live locally, but will NOT come here. They have long term care insurance and will go to a facility when they can't be at home.

My grandparents are also local and refuse to go in a nursing home. My mom makes them dinner every night, and checks on them. They are almost 90 and should NOT be living at home, but my grandpa won't admit he can't care for my grandma, and my mom swears there is no money to put her in a home (though there is plenty of money for it). My grandpa refuses to pay $350 a day for care for her when he thinks he can do it himself. She has Alzheimers and has about a 10 second memory at this point, plus is an amutee, so she is wheelchair bound, and diabetic, but she forgets that she ate, and she is extremely annoying, though she can't help it. All in all, by the end of the day with her, you need a break.

My mom hired them a maid who cleans every other homes in their community, and my grandpa called and cancelled her. He is stubborn and won't let anyone in the house to help.
Its can be hard for them to let go of the lives they are use to sometimes, even if its the best thing. Who wants to admit you can't take care of your responsibilities any more? Its kind of the same as the sole provider losing their job its hard to accept that your not living up to duty any more. There is a lot about getting old that really stinks. Dh's grandpa started going blind and willingly gave up his license. But of all the things that changed for him as he got older (he lived to 95) losing the freedom of driving was the worst for him. It would be for me too. I could probably accept anything else and not skip a beat but, I love to drive and I love the freedom that comes with it, to have that taken away would be pretty depressing for me.
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Old 09-20-2013, 07:23 AM   #47
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Re: Where will you parents/inlaws go when they are olderly?

I love my parents and in-laws. Logically, my parents (I'm assuming just my mom, as I expect my father will go first) will probably live with my older sister (who is single, childless, has a flexible work schedule) for a time. My DH would not be able to handle them here. My in-laws have long-term care insurance. We have mentioned to them that at some point they will probably need to move closer either to their daughter (2 hrs away) or their sons (6 hours away) so someone can watch over them when they are elderly. They are 65ish now. I know they aren't keen on moving right now, but I kind of feel like it would be better for them to move while they're still "young" and can still be very active, get involved in a church and make friends, etc. than be forced to move 15 years from now. I expect that eventually all our living parents will end up in assisted living facilities, but we're not just going to drop them off and drive away.

My mom was the only one of her mom's four children who stayed close to home. They were best friends. It was hard for my mom to see her go into assisted living and then the nursing home (dementia) and she struggled with wanting to bring her home to live with us, but then again she knew it would be so much for her to handle emotionally with caregiver burnout, etc. My mom cried about it all the time. She drove 30 minutes plus to the nursing home every day to visit her mother and spoon-feed her lunch. I remember how all the other people in the nursing home would watch the two of them and I felt so sad that they didn't have someone able and willing to be there for them, too. I always think of my mom caring for my grandmother when I hear the last verse of the song "Somebody's Hero" because it so exactly describes them. My grandmother was the greatest person who ever lived, especially in my mother's eyes.

...Thirty years have flown right past
Her daughters' starin' at all the photographs
Of her mother, and she wishes she could be like that
Oh, but she already is

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her mother in a rockin' chair
She runs a brush through her silver hair
The envy of the nursing home
She drops by every afternoon
Feeds her mama with a spoon
And that smile lets her know
Her mother's smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

I remember when I was in college, a group of us used to visit the residents at the local nursing homes. Once an international student from Africa went with us, and I will never forget how shocked she was. She could not believe that people in the U.S. put their parents in homes when they are elderly, as in her culture the elderly are revered and live with and cared for by their children when they get very old. She was just so, so sad to see all the lonely people who never got visited.
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Old 09-20-2013, 07:38 AM   #48
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Re: Where will you parents/inlaws go when they are olderly?

My parents are both gone, as is DH's dad. So, it's just MIL. She is a very practical lady and already lives in a retirement community and has set aside money for assisted care when needed. She did go through a brief period of time talking about how she would like to live in a cottage on our property, and I am not horribly opposed to that idea, but she decided against it.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:23 AM   #49
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My parents are both gone, as is DH's dad. So, it's just MIL. She is a very practical lady and already lives in a retirement community and has set aside money for assisted care when needed. She did go through a brief period of time talking about how she would like to live in a cottage on our property, and I am not horribly opposed to that idea, but she decided against it.
Lucky.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:36 AM   #50
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Re: Where will you parents/inlaws go when they are olderly?

I know where I want to be living when my "time" comes:

http://www.fellowshipcommunity.org/

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