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|09-26-2007, 08:20 PM||#1|
Whats wrong with me?
I hope this doesn't come off in such a way that it makes me out to be a monster. I struggle with even sharing this, but there really isnt anyone close to me that seems to understand or even see why I'm feeling upset. I'm hoping there might be some among you that have been where I am (emotionally), or might have some insight.
This pregnancy wasn't exactly planned, but wasnt really prevented either. DH and I had suffered a couple losses, and had resigned to just hold back a little and wait to try for a baby until after Gemma turned 2 (which isnt until next summer). Imagine our shock when we found out we were expecting! Not that we dont want the baby...that isnt the issue. It was just such a radical difference from last time, when we had been trying and struggling with TTC for months and were on fertility treatments. At that time, those two lines were like the affirmation of all things!
I'm 14 weeks along, and everything is going smoothly. With the exception of some of the things Im feeling emotionally. I dont feel a real connection with this baby. I know he or she is in there, and Im eating right, excercising, preparing for birth....but I dont feel that magical loving connection. I dont rub my belly, or talk to the baby. It's like I never even think to do those things...and it makes me feel horribly guilty.
Secondly, there is one major thing I did with my daughter that I just dont know if I feel up to doing this time around. Breastfeeding. Please, PLEASE no flaming....just hear me out.
DD is going on 15 months, and still a nursling. From 6 weeks on, Ive struggled with low supply (chronic at times), multiple bouts of mastitis, and at this point in the game, Im just tired of doing it. Ive really wanted to stop for about 4 months, but I just dont know how to get her to wean. I cant do the cold turkey thing...it would just be cruel. The toll that its taken on me is starting to be more real in my mind. I feel like my body isnt my own, it had a profound and harsh effect on DD's ability to bond with her dad (for the first 8 months, she wanted no one but mom. Ever.) and I feel like while I have done the best thing for her health, and I am glad about that, that I really dont know if I can jump right back in for another 1+ year of being a milk machine with no break.
I dont want to not do it at all...Im just feeling like supplementing possibly. Which is completely opposite of everything I know to be best and even what Ive learned and teach to others. I feel like if I use formula, Im going to not only a huge hypocrite, but also a terrible mom. And whats worse is that the thought of even mentioning the idea to my husband is scary....as I just know he wont go along with it.
So, here I sit, wondering what the heck is going on with me. Why I seem to just be opposite in my feelings and desires this time versus last time? I dont feel like its solely hormonal (believe me, I considered that)...so whats the deal? I feel like I dont even deserve a child...Because its almost as if I neglect the one growing in my belly! Im scared that this child is somehow going to know that I wasnt 100% all in when he/she was in utero, and is going to be damaged on an emotional level. Or that my feelings about this whole breastfeeding issue are going to put me on everyone's SH** list.
Mom to G, E and S