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Old 02-23-2008, 10:25 PM   #11
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

Would'nt you think that it would be kinda shocking though for him to find out at 9. It seems to me that he might feel lied to.


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Old 02-23-2008, 11:08 PM   #12
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

My DH is not our DS bio dad. Been there his whole life, though. I would wait. Awhile. We waited til he was almost 10 and understood conception. This was the jist of the convo..
DH & me : Your Daddy is not your bio father. Mommy was with "bio" and became pregnant, "bio" didn't want to have a baby with mommy, but Daddy did. So he asked mommy if he could be your Daddy.
DS: whats his name? where does he work, what kind of car?
DH & me: blah blah blah, would you like to contact him?
DS: Nope, Daddy. I'm glad that you're my Dad.
Conversation over.

Not another word has been said in 3 years. DS has my maiden name, b/c DH and I weren't married when he was born.
Keep it simple, to the point. And don't push for a lot of talking. Let it absorb, then ask if there are any questions, and then just let it go.
Good luck! It will all work out!!
Tracy, obedient wife to Douglas,co-sleeping , BFing, CDing, BWing SAHM to Aubrey 2/20/07 Makinzey 8/26/99 Angela 8/07/98 Mason 12/29/94 teenager!! and Butkus the English Mastiff bottomless pit 01/16/05
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Old 02-26-2008, 12:11 PM   #13
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

Originally Posted by Sweetpotatoesmom View Post
Would'nt you think that it would be kinda shocking though for him to find out at 9. It seems to me that he might feel lied to.
not at all. I agree with what the post says prior to mine as well.
I am from a broken home and didn't realize any difference till I was in grade school. like I said even a 7 year old may be too young. and I say that cause I have kids in those ages.
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Old 02-26-2008, 01:40 PM   #14
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

I think you know your son better than anyone else and you know how much he can handle. He is young right now and probably can't really understand the whole situation but I do think it's a good idea to talk about some concepts with him and not "hide" anything from him. DJ is 3.5 and recently noticed that one of his friends at school has two daddies. I've known about the situation for a while but didn't feel the need to bring it up until he asked. I just took it as an opportunity to tell him that all families are different. Some mommies and daddies are married like we are, some mommies and daddies live apart, and some children don't live with their mommy or their daddy but with someone else who loves them very much. He asked if K has a mommy and I told him yes, he has a mommy somewhere but his daddies love him very much and that's who he lives with and who takes care of him now. That was enough for him at this point. He's also asked questions about some of his cousins who spend a weekend with their daddy sometimes and with their mommy sometimes because they're not married and don't live together anymore but they both still love them very much. And when one of my cousins recently remarried, we talked just a little about how her son's daddy still loves him, but now he has another daddy too and it's just one more person that loves him and takes care of him. It's not the same thing at all since we're not talking about him, but I think you just have to give him what he can handle right now and not make a big deal about it either with trying to explain more than he can understand or trying to hide the truth from him. I think that watching for opportunities in books or movies or in "his world" is a good idea. Then you can build on that in a way that he can understand. Without knowing all the parties involved, it's hard to say what I would do but I think at this point, I would probably leave out the bad stuff and let him know that he had another father who passed away (that way he doesn't have to deal with the rejection that his dad didn't want to be a part of his life or anything). Whether you believe in Heaven or the Circle of Life or whatever...DJ has started to understand the concept of death a little bit. My MIL (monster-in-law) told him a while back that her mother is dead and set off a huge thing with him. He finally decided that she was very old and very sick and now she lives in Heaven with God (not what I told him, but what he came up with on his own and what MIL said). He also knows that my niece is in Heaven with God and he's pretty sure that Nana went there to take care of her (but he still asks if he can visit both of them so it's not totally clear to him). Anyway, it's a tough situation but I think if it were me, I would wait for an opportunity to present itself and then give him just a little bit at a time. DJ has asked questions about what it means to be a mom or dad or how you get to be a mom or dad or what daddy was doing while DJ was in my tummy and things like that so I hope that's a pretty normal thing and would give you an opportunity to talk about your situation without making a big production of it.

On another note, regarding the poster that commented about "real dad", etc., my heart just melted a few months ago when I was talking to my neighbor's granddaughter. She was about 10 at the time but she has some learning problems so in a lot of ways, she seems a lot younger than that. Anyway, I don't remember how the subject came up but she said something like "My real dad is not actually related to me." When I asked her what she meant, she said, "Well, my mom was never married to my other dad and he left a long time ago and we don't ever see him or anything. Steve is my real dad because he loves me and takes care of me." I made a point of telling her "real dad" about that conversation because I knew he would be proud. Ironically, he is adopted and has never met his birth parents. They contacted him a few years ago and wanted to meet him but he said no thank you, he has his real parents and that's all he needs.

Good luck to sounds like your son is a lucky boy!
Barbara - Unexpectedly back after a long hiatus...anxiously awaiting #6!
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Old 02-26-2008, 01:49 PM   #15
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

unless you are willing to go into how babies are made, i wouldnt go there yet. when he starts asking those questions, that would be a great opening for him, i agree he may be a bit too young to grasp the concept right now. i also think it is great you are thinking about him and not wanting to lie to him. good luck. you sound like a great mom.
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Old 02-26-2008, 02:56 PM   #16
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

I know I would tell him someday, but not at three. He doesn't even understand that you can have 2 daddies yet.

My suggestion is that maybe when you do tell him, you have a picture of his bio father, and introduce it as "This man is your daddy too. But he can't be here with us now, and we are lucky that you have Daddy here. He couldn't take care of you, but we are lucky your daddy is her to take care of us" or something similar. If he wants to see him, then and only then can you might tell DS that he is watching him in heaven every day and can see all the wonderful things DS has done. I'm sure you will get lots of questions about why, but I would just say that he was sick (since he probably was mentally ill) and that he went to be with God. If he keeps asking why was he sick, I would just say that he was just sick and we couldn't do anything about it, and be very vague until he is a teenager.

In our adoption classes, they said to leave it at "Your mommy couldn't take care of you, so she did the best that she could to make sure you found people to love and take care of you."

I had a student that found out in 8th grade that the man she thought was her dad wasn't. She was very upset for a couple days, but eventually came to terms with it with some family counseling. I will definitely admit that 8th grade is too old to keep it a secret!

I would wait until he is old enough to understand the difference between bio dad and "Daddy who loves you and takes care of you."

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Last edited by luvsviola; 02-26-2008 at 03:12 PM.
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Old 02-26-2008, 08:51 PM   #17
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

I waited until my daughter was old enough to ask. And then followed her lead for answers. She's 7 and all she knows now is that she is very special because she has two daddies. She has the daddy who made her who lives in Massachusetts and the daddy who takes care of her who also made her sisters. She remembers it just being her and I until her 4th birthday when I married Sara and Grace's dad. She asked at age 3 where her daddy was(in terms of "mama, Emmy's daddy is so nice. where's my daddy? don't I have one?") and I told her simply, "he's in Massachusetts." And that was fine until age 4. Then she wanted to know why her friend next door had a daddy who lived iwth her and she did not. I just told her that there are all sorts of families and her friend next door had a family with a mama, a daddy, and a little girl and Mady had a family with a mama and a little girl. But she was very very lucky because she had an auntie and a grandma and a papa that lived nearby to visit with and love on her and her friend next door didn't. Someday she will need to know the truth that her dad knows where she is and chooses not to visit her and hasn't seen her in nearly 6 years but for now she thinks she's the most special little girl in the world because she has two daddies and her 3 year old sister is very jealous. I'm not lying to her and I never will but I think there's a limit to how much kids need to know right off the bat. For example, you would never tell a 2 year old all the details about sex and "boys have a penis and girls have a vagina". They simply want to know why boys and girls look different. But that doesn't mean you have to talk about sex. Just providing a little information as they ask and being there for them to actually ask is what is important. I'm sure I only have another couple years until Mady needs to know the truth and I'm not sure what I'll say but I promised myself years ago that I would never say a bad word about him to her. It's up to her to make the decision of whether or not he's a good person and he made the right decision to not be in her life. And it's up to her to decide if she wants to contact him. I have one picture of him from right abotu when i got pregnant and I keep tabs on him every year so that I know where he is if she ever wants to call him.
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