Will my dd really be an out of control teen??

[KnottyLDSMama]

You're doing things just fine, hun. 2 year olds will be 2 year olds. I've only in my life ever known one 2 year old who didn't test her limits, and I'm seriously starting to think that SHE's the one who's going to be out of control.

Personally, I think that what you are doing is wonderful. I have a hard time dealing with people who tell their children "we don't hit!" and then turn around and spank them or slap their mouths. What kind of example is that?!

I do agree though, if she's spitting her food out, she's done. And maybe later on in the night, when she's hungry, she'll think about what she did. I don't know that I could make them go without eating, but once they said they were hungry, we would sit down and talk about WHY they were hungry, and then I'd give them a piece of fruit or something to tide them over until morning (or the next meal, if it's earlier in the day).

Good luck! My DS isn't there yet, but I have 6 and 3 year old sisters. Been there, done that. And I got to see how my parents reacted and realized that what I lost respect for them for at an early age (I mean, I could babysit at 13 and had to control the kids I was watching and wasn't allowed to spank them...if a 13 year old can do it, why can't an adult?) are the same things they're doing to my siblings, and that it's not working for them, either.

[CarrieMF]

Make sure she isn't getting alot of artificial foods(especially corn syrup and dyes) , check labels you'd be surprised. They can cause behaviour issues(even at age 2) that are easily fixed by avoiding these foods.

[MrsBreeder]

I so know how you feel. My daughter, who turned 2 in July, is also a HANDFUL. I hate it when people tell me that she needs a spanking or that I'm not doing things right.

I think she's just showing her independence right now. Your daughter sounds a lot like mine, including the having to be restrained to change diaper/car seat/brush teeth, etc.

Don't listen to anyone else. YOU are her mom, you know her best and will figure out what works best. For us, we saw an improvement in my daughter's attitude when I started sending her to Mother's Day Out (like a half day daycare for children of SAHMs) twice a week. For some reason, something clicked and she's been much more tolerable.

I really feel for you. Ignore the others!

[shortcake2386]

my 2yo niece lives with us(long story) and she too will order you to laugh or sip soup(her favorite) imo thats just mimicing...most of the time we tell her to do something instead of asking but we are working on that...her attitude did improve a lot(no hitting, spitting, etc)after i had my dd and was no longer on bed rest-and she wasnt going to daycare everyday...HTH
also the little girl i nanny sounds exactly like your dd...she is 2.5 and her parents do spank her-although i dont-so i think its just the age...
JoAnna

[jenn5388]

You can't predict what a child will turn out like from what they were like at 2 years old (of all ages, certianly not this one) when my husband was 5 or 6 he was horrible! he put sugar in the gastank of the car!! lol But now he works in a prison.. he's not living in the prison.

how they act as a child doesn't mean anything.

miranda is a little back talker herself. but she's seeming to really like the choices and the getting down at her level and talking with her. she listens better. there are some days where i just wanna run away still but most days I don't mind sticking around

[rowynne]

First, I'm NOT saying this is the case with your child, its just what happened with us.....

Our 2nd dd was just like that starting at about 2yrs old, I kept bringing it up to her Dr & he said it was normal....finally at her 4yr visit I insisted on having her evaluated by a psychologist & pediatrician that specializes in behavior disorders. (we have a family history on both sides of ADD, depression, anxiety, etc). My dd was diagnosed last summer with ADHD, ODD & for awhile they thought maybe PDD. Luckily with medication & one on one therapy she has improved greatly, enough that she doesnt require a wrap around (one on one therapist in the classroom with her) this year for kindergarden. We STILL get the spitting, breaking things, tantrums (hers are better than my 20mo olds!!), hitting, and other behaviors but they are ALOT less frequent & she is quicker to calm down after an episode as well. The loving & funny parts are able to show now & she is FINALLY able to recognize her letters (she couldnt concentrate before).

[Celticcloths]

I just wanted to add on the picking battles thing. We learned this from BIL because they NEVER pick them. Everything they do is a constant battle with their kids. The result is that they have programmed their kids to not listen until the parents are yelling. It's very stressful in their house and we don't like to visit because they yell all the time. I always try redirecting first. "Ew, please don't spit, that's yucky!" and then suggesting we give each other raspberries instead or something acceptable. It took a while, but as a result when I say "please don't do x" ds says "sorry Mommy" and finds a different game to play. Much more pleasant!

[Irishmommy]

My ds was much the same way, but at three instead of two. Spanking made him more aggressive. Time outs never worked, and YES we were consistent, they just didn't work. Sometimes people have a hard time believing that some methods just don't work for your child, even if you have been consistent. Here are my suggestions to you (just remember that you are the mom and you know your child best):
-Try to pinpoint the source of the trigger for the tantrums and avoid them at all cost. Just because you have to avoid these things now doesn't mean that they will be out forever. I thought we'd never be able to eat out again with my son; but now he has no problems (mostly ) with it. Picking your battles goes along with this. If you can't or don't want to avoid those situations then you can figure out a plan for those times.

-It sounds like your little one is looking for some control. Instead of getting into power struggles with her, give her an opportunity for control (and when I say power struggles I mean power struggles as defined by your daughter, not by you - I had to explain this to my ds's kinder teacher this year, if ds wants x and you want him to do y, then according to him it is a power struggle). This did NOT happen by giving my son choices. If I gave him two choices he would want something I didn't list as a choice and then we were back to the power struggle.

My son gained some "control" in his life through play therapy sessions. Look into it, if you can't afford it long term, just have a few sessions where the therapist teaches you the techniques of play therapy and do them yourself at home. This involves an exercise that you do called "tracking" your child. It is sort of like a running commentary on what your child is doing/feeling while playing. This helps your child feel like you are listening to them and their wants and needs, it is based on the idea of reflective listening.

EX: DD hands you a doll ("Oh, you want me to play with the doll"), DD throws her doll to the ground ("You're really mad at that doll about something", "You really let that doll have it")

Tracking still helps my son at five and a half. Sometimes he just wants to be heard and now he knows he doesn't have to tantrum to be heard. You don't have to do this tracking all the time, just during times that you are doing the play session or times that you feel your child wants you to listen. You can even google filial play therapy and you might find a good book that can teach you the techniques.

Avoid trying logic or rational talking after the tantrum has started. You are asking an irrational being (at the moment) to be rational, and it isn't going to happen (at least it doesn't for my ds). Focus on de-escalating the situation before it occurs or before it gets too out of control.

Lastly, pick up a copy of Playful Parenting and really impliment the techniques. This will make SUCH a difference in your life and your relationship with your child. I can't tell you what a change it has made in our family. We do lose it occassionally with my son; but being playing nips most tantrums/struggles in the bud.
EX: Ds refuses to leave some place, I try to get him to go with logic and he continues to refuse and I tell him...
-How fast can you get your shoes on to go? Can you beat the "timer"? (I count to five)
-If you don't come with me, there will be a consequence. (What is the consequence, Mommy?) I don't know what the consequence will be; but it may involve painting your hair blue and your arms and legs orange. -That one always gets a laugh, I'm not sure why.

These are just a couple of playful things that work for my son. You may have to silly it up a bit more for your dd since she is younger; but if you get the book (or even check it out from the library), you'll get the gist of it.

Oh, and one more thing. Google sensory integration disorder (No, I'm not saying that your two year old has a disorder; but maybe she does have some sensitivities to certain stimuli), and see if you think she could benefit from sensory therapy. Again, there are lots of sensory things you can do with her at home to help her.

Goodluck, I know how frustrating it can be and how helpless you can feel about your children who are struggling.

I kept waiting for my son to "grow" out of it, then I realized I needed to grow out of the old way of doing things and really find things that worked for him. I think I am a MUCH better parent today than I was two years ago and I also feel like I know so much more about my son than I did. These are just my experiences, yours will be different, but I hope you find techniques that work for you soon.

[DiapeyMom]

IrishMommy...thanks so much for all the great suggestions!!! I have wondered if she needs an evaluation. My pediatrician is considering it too. We went through getting her checking physically to make sure she wasn't acting out because of something hurting. She was fine. She has acid reflux, but they even gave her an endoscopy to check it and everything is working A-OK with her meds. So, the next step is going to a behavioral psychologist.

She has some feeding problems, so taking her food away is a no-no for us...even if she is spitting it out. She has been through intensive day therapy for feeding issues and we are highly trained to deal with mealtime. That's a whole other issue.

When she was in therapy for that, they did think she had some sensory integration issues. At the time she was having some major feeding problem and so her therapy was focused on that, not the sensory integration stuff.

For the past few days since I posted, I have started implementing some of the Montessori teachings at home. She doesn't go to Montessori school, but I've always been intrigued by it. I did some reading about how to implement it at home. Overall, I have been involving her in a lot more around the home. For example, she now has her own apron and helps with making something at dinner. Also, she picks out items and puts them in the shopping cart at the store instead of sitting strapped in the cart. This is actually starting to work for her.

She did have a massive tantrum last night, but I stuck to my guns and was very strong with her. She did not get choices, and I did have to bear hug her at one point. After a while, it worked. My dh was so proud of me. He said "That's one victory for Mommy!". I think that if I give her some more input and control in other areas, I can get across to her when she needs to give up control, like when she is doing something that is not safe.

Thanks to everyone for your input. All of your posts really got me thinking about what else I can do and look at my situation for another perspective.