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Old 05-24-2008, 07:17 PM   #21
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Re: Desperately need help with open adoption (long, sorry!!)....

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice!! I've discussed a lot of this with dh and it's definitely given us a new perspective on the situation. I think that even though it will be difficult, we will be limiting her visits for awhile...at least until everything with our youngest is done and I've had my baby. We just need some time to be still and heal without having her stressing us out more....

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Old 05-26-2008, 08:48 AM   #22
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Re: Desperately need help with open adoption (long, sorry!!)....

I am so sorry you are having to go thru with this. I am a birthmother and my adoption was in Texas so those are the only laws that I am very familiar with. However, I was able to google OK adoption laws and found that OK does have that registry for the birth fathers. Even so, the adoption agency has the means and ways to find these fathers. I think you got screwed by the agency personally. In Texas, the way it worked for me was this. I gave them the address and name of the father and they served him the papers of me intending to place this child for adoption. He was served three times and never once responded. After the third attempt to serve him with the papers, he had thirty days to contest it. After the thirty days, his rights were automatically terminated. He wasnt even on her birth certificate. Was he listed on your sons original birth certificate? If not, he would have had to establish paternity, at least in Texas he would have. Also, was the adoption finalized? It seems to me that in order for the adoption to be final, all parental rights of both the mother and father would need to be terminated. At that point, the father really has no grounds to stand on. I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this, my heart truly aches for you. I hope that the attorney you have now is able to point all of these things out and will be able to get your son back.

As for the bgmom, I would cease in person contact until you are comfortable with it. I know that if my mom was crazy, I wouldnt want her around my birthdaughter either, nor would her parents.

Big hugs for you!!!!
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Old 05-26-2008, 03:42 PM   #23
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Re: Desperately need help with open adoption (long, sorry!!)....

I don't have any advice, but this is what has scared me about open adoptions in the first place. I hope it all works out for you and that your son is brought back to you soon!!
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Old 05-26-2008, 06:27 PM   #24
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Re: Desperately need help with open adoption (long, sorry!!)....

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I don't have any advice, but this is what has scared me about open adoptions in the first place. I hope it all works out for you and that your son is brought back to you soon!!
I would think that this can happen in a closed adoption as well. Well, not the birthgrandmother, but the father situation can. From everything I have read, if the adoption is final, it is final. But apparently that isnt the case in Ok.
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Old 05-26-2008, 08:34 PM   #25
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Re: Desperately need help with open adoption (long, sorry!!)....

as a birth mother of a child i gave up for adoption, in the adoption papers it should say what each and every person, especially grandparents, the availability of the child to the birth family. that should have been decided when the adoption papers were signed and if it wasnt, i would be thinking of complaining to the lawyer that normal procedures werent followed, because the visitation should have been planned out in the beginning. it is something that every state and is normal for every adoption, since it is an open adoption. if for some odd reason it isnt, i would go back and get the adoption papers mended and have it put in there for the birth mother and birth father and grandparents, etc. i have an open adoption and i know my rights and dont ask or push for more. i would read my adoption papers or whatever papers u have and see what it says, and if it doesnt say anything or it is very vague, i would get it un vague and let the birth grandmother know what the papers say. but once the year after the adoption has taken place has passed, it is final. the birth grandparents have no rights or responsibilities to the child. that is why grandparents arent required to sign the papers for adoption. it is mother and father(depending on the situation.) it is complicated, but unless the adoptive mother and father are minors, the grandparents have no rights to signing the paperwork or to the child. the visitation you give to anybody, as the guardians and parents, is up to u and a privilege to the ones you give it to. u need to bluntly tell the birth grandmother how it is gonna go, because if she wants the child, why didnt she fight for custody instead of adopting the baby(ies) out. If u want to talk, please pm me, anytime!
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Old 05-27-2008, 12:51 AM   #26
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Re: Desperately need help with open adoption (long, sorry!!)....

I'm 22 and im addopted,most of the 1st years of my addoption were spent asking my mom why i couldn't see my real grandma(closed addoption).I wasn't addopted till i was eight(my sister and i togeather). As a child i missed her becuse she was my family and the onely real main adult in our lifes, i made my mom fill realy bad telling her i wanted my real family all the time @ the time i didn't understand my parents desision,but now i do,Its hard to get a child to pertisapate in there addopted family when there trying to hold on to there bilogicle one,for me it was becuse i fealt like i was abanoning them instead of the other way around. i think it just makes it harder on the child to try to spread themselfz between to familyz like that,expeshily when later on there going to have mixed up fillingz about the bilogicale one and why the have them up.I also whent through somthing last year were my husbandz mom thought she had rights to my kids, she was terible,but any way we ended up preasing charges and going to cort,the ended up droping them but did tell her( the judge ) that grandparentz have no right in N.C and that if i didn't whant my kidz around her it was my choice,and if i said no then i could prees charges and they'd stick....i would check out the laws on that in your state and see if grandparents have rightz or just the bil-mom,becuz once u addoped there your child,so if granparentz don't have rightz there,the same should apply with u alowing her to see your child.
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Old 05-27-2008, 09:13 AM   #27
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Re: Desperately need help with open adoption (long, sorry!!)....

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Originally Posted by KatieZ View Post
as a birth mother of a child i gave up for adoption, in the adoption papers it should say what each and every person, especially grandparents, the availability of the child to the birth family. that should have been decided when the adoption papers were signed and if it wasnt, i would be thinking of complaining to the lawyer that normal procedures werent followed, because the visitation should have been planned out in the beginning. it is something that every state and is normal for every adoption, since it is an open adoption. if for some odd reason it isnt, i would go back and get the adoption papers mended and have it put in there for the birth mother and birth father and grandparents, etc. i have an open adoption and i know my rights and dont ask or push for more. i would read my adoption papers or whatever papers u have and see what it says, and if it doesnt say anything or it is very vague, i would get it un vague and let the birth grandmother know what the papers say. but once the year after the adoption has taken place has passed, it is final. the birth grandparents have no rights or responsibilities to the child. that is why grandparents arent required to sign the papers for adoption. it is mother and father(depending on the situation.) it is complicated, but unless the adoptive mother and father are minors, the grandparents have no rights to signing the paperwork or to the child. the visitation you give to anybody, as the guardians and parents, is up to u and a privilege to the ones you give it to. u need to bluntly tell the birth grandmother how it is gonna go, because if she wants the child, why didnt she fight for custody instead of adopting the baby(ies) out. If u want to talk, please pm me, anytime!

Well, let me give some more info.... First of all, my youngests adoption was not final. What had happened was that the bmom signed away her rights and he was placed in our home, but then we spent the next 6 months looking for the bdad (he had moved, changed jobs & phone numbers). I feel very frustrated with the adoption agency because they didn't do much to find him, and my dh was the one to finally do it. The bdad immediately got a lawyer and requested a DNA test and claimed that the bmom never told him she was pregnant so he wanted is son (we believe his new wife was a driving force behind this. whole other story....). Well, we had witnesses & everything that said she did tell him and he did nothing (he's now admitted to her that he just didn't believe her and thought she was just trying to get him to not break up with her!!). Anyway, it's kind of a long story but basically the judge didn't believe either of them so he didn't terminate rights (how does that make sense??? If he thought the bdad DID know about the baby, and did nothing, shouldn't that automatically mean he should lose his rights??!). So the bmom got her rights back and we've been fighting ever since. Our appeal to the Supreme Court is basically that this guy should not be able to change his mind!! If they allow this judgement to go through then they're making it difficult for every woman who finds herself pregnant to be able to make decisions...they'll all have to be worried that the guys who abandon them will come back & make things difficult. So, we'll see what happens. It's just hard, knowing what this guy did and that he's a liar, and that he might win.... It's just not right!!!!

And second of all, about the open adoption, it's kind of tricky because technically our oldest ds is NOT an open adoption. He's through the State and we told our caseworkers that we wanted it open (that's not how they usually do it) because of our younger ds. So, as far as paperwork goes, there's nothing in it about openness. And actually, I'm pretty sure that even with the agency (if our younger son's adoption would have went through) it wouldn't be very specific. They just always say, "The more open the better". They don't really help with setting boundaries or anything. I DEFINITELY wish I would have known more before we did this!!! But I feel like we went in blindly, because we were so desparate to have kids. It's something that I'm very frustrated with myself about......
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Old 05-27-2008, 10:08 PM   #28
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Re: Desperately need help with open adoption (long, sorry!!)....

I understand now. I am soooooo sorry you are having to deal with this, really I am. I am in total agreement with you that the agency dropped the ball. Can you make a complaint to the state adoption board (or whomever oversees the adoptions for the state) about their lack of commitment to finding the birthfather and thus leading you to this predictament? My heart is just aching for you. I totally agree with your statement as well about how this is a slap in the face for adoption when the father can come back after ABANDONING the mother...regardless if she told him or not...regardless if he believed her or not...ugh, I am mad and upset for you!! BIG HUGS and I am praying that this all works out in your favor!!!
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Old 05-28-2008, 11:07 AM   #29
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Re: Desperately need help with open adoption (long, sorry!!)....

My thoughts are with you.
But everyone else is right. Bgmom has no legal standings. If she takes the kids without you it's kidnapping. If she keeps bothering you it's harassment. If she comes over and won't leave, it's trespassing. Don't hesitate to call the cops. Get a restraining order if you have to. I'm all for open adoptions, but it sounds to me like she thinks you all are permanent babysitters.
Let us know when your final courtdate is so we can send prayers and thoughts and whatever else. Hopefully you'll get a good judge that will see the difficulty it will create if your son gets sent to his dad.
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