How to handle 2yo??

[vintagegyrl]

OK, we are really trying the time-out thing, but DS is getting to where I physically can't handle him. I think he senses this, but its really getting out of hand. I am due with a baby late next month, so right now it is getting harder for me to get around, etc.

So putting a 2yo in time out is not working bc he will not stay. He hits me and kicks me and also screams no. I am REALLY TRYING to remain calm and not yell, which normally I am a yeller but it seems to be backfiring. How to handle this?

Right now he is naked running around the house bc he will not let me put a diaper back on him (he took it off to go potty) and i have about given up. Dont even ask about PL. We majorly regressed which I am fine with but he can't seem to make up his mind WHAT He wants to do - diapers, pants, whatever. TG It's summer right now...

[jjaelovesenglish]

Calmly pick him up and place him in his room and shut the door. Ignore the bad behavior and praise him when you catch him being good. He will catch on. He will be competing for that good praise when the baby arrives, good time to practice.

[LilyGrace]

Here's my personal list I wrote after going nuts with two year olds. I put a nicer version online, but the page isn't loading for me right now.

1. Redirect. This works often and well for a long time.

2. Turn a no into a yes - if you can make it a yes, try that. "No, not now" can be "Yes, after dinner" without changing your intent. All you do is give them a time frame, something more than a vague answer.

3. Focus on what you want more of - instead of "don't hit the kitty!!!!!" try "gentle touch, gentle" with your hand over theirs, helping. The first phrase you're telling them what not to do, which doesn't teach, the second phrase you're giving them an action to replace it. Most kids want to learn. It takes time, and much reinforcement, but they want to learn.

4. Teach cool down methods. What is a time out? If you were an adult, how would you feel being told to go sit in a corner by your boss? Angry, right? It wouldn't help to diffuse the feelings at all. Now, think of someone saying "hey, let's go sit over here and you can tell me about it" or "why don't you go take a walk and then come back?" Much easier on the emotions because you're getting yourself back into control, which is what a time out should be for. By putting the emphasis on control, you open yourself up to teaching a broader range of ideas to get there - sit for a cuddle, take a walk outside, discuss options your child could use to get the situation back under control - give him tools to use, not punishments to halt the process.

5. Empathy - "yeah, well, you knew better". Great. Thanks mom. See if I keep coming to you. "Oh, man...that's some trouble. Do you have any ideas on what to do now?" BAM! Conversation opens, communication opens, there's nothing in there to reinforce how bad he was, but how he's going to fix it. For a 2yo it can be as simple as "I know you wanted that candy bar." as long as you understand where they are coming from, why the tears are so ready, they're less likely to prolong the tantrum.

6. Doing because it needs to be done - "Would you" "I need you to" "Please..." all focus on one thing - the parent. It's easy to fight against a person because you don't want to do what they ask, or because it seems like it's a favor. But "You need to.." doesn't offer that. It just needs to happen because you're you and it needs to be done.

7. KISS - try for under 5 words. 2yos receptive vocabulary would be like your third year of high school spanish. You're catching the gist, but not all the words. Keep commands to 5 words or under "Put the blocks away" "Brush your teeth" and try as hard as possible to keep the "no" out of the beginning of a sentence - a 2yo hears "..........touch!" focusing on the last word.

8. Choices - give two acceptable ones, not false ones. "Clean your room or go to bed" is a false choice. It's set up for the child to pick only the one you want, there's no control for them there. "Which one - blocks or cars?" is a real choice that they can choose from to pick up first.

9. Give positive intent - even at their worst, they're at their best. I've heard this so many times and it's always at the time most needed that it's hardest to believe. Even when a child is doing wrong, they're looking for approval, love, and understanding. We can filter that out with empathy, trying to figure out what exactly was behind their action, and giving them skills to work with instead of focusing on the punishing side. At 2, they know they did wrong, they're just not sure what right is.

10. Natural/logical consequences - they work. My friend was having a devil of a time stopping her 2yo from writing on the wall. He was spanked, given time outs, yelled at...he tried it at my house once - I handed him a Magic Eraser and set him to work. Didn't like that very much. He stopped doing it at my house, continued to write on the wall at home.

11. GOYB parenting. Say it once, help him as you say it again. If a request isn't being followed, don't give a second chance. Get up, walk over, and do with him exactly what needs to be done. The child realizes that you mean what you say and there is no getting out of it.

12. The three parts of sorry - every child should learn this - accepting it, fixing it, preventing it in the future. They can say they're sorry, but that doesn't mean much if you fix it for them. At this age, more help is given : showing them how they hurt someone else, giving them 1-2 options on how to fix it, and asking for imput (but not necessarily taking it) on how to prevent it in the future. By my oldest son's age (7), he can go through most of the steps with me listening, only providing info as needed, and come up with his own plan.

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Not sure if it'll help, but it's a starting point.

[nini02]

LilyGrace, I always love your posts.

[vintagegyrl]

I guess my main problem is that I am soooo preggo (and baby is really low) that it is getting harder to physically do something with him - ie: get him dressed, diaper on - whatever. that is when he will hit me or something like that- Squirm away. It is really hurting me to restrain him & try to get him dressed. So I let him take his diaper/pants off - whatever - and be naked for a while till he pees on something - I feel really out of control in these situations.
I guess, what in general is a good response when u tell a child, we are going to do this now, and they scream "NO" in your face? time out?? telling them, "yes, we are"
what would be the best way to handle this until I have the baby when I can then move around a little more???

[LilyGrace]

Originally Posted by vintagegyrl I guess, what in general is a good response when u tell a child, we are going to do this now, and they scream "NO" in your face? time out?? telling them, "yes, we are" what would be the best way to handle this until I have the baby when I can then move around a little more???

Well, I guess it would depend on what it is. If you tell a child "you need to put on your pants before we leave" and the child screams "NO!", well, you don't leave. Or, you leave anyway and take the pants with you. Or you could approach it playfully - put the pants on his head and let him correct you. Put them on his arms. Let him show you they need to go on his legs.

It all goes back to treating a child how you would want to be treated. Do you like someone telling you "my way or the highway"? Not many of us do. But a 2yo has limited ways of expressing that frustration at having their freedom stripped away. Putting them in time out for not saying "excuse me, but I'm a person who needs respect, too. If you are trying to help me you need to be more polite. I don't really want to put on my pants right now, and I don't see why I have to." but saying "NO!".....well, it doesn't make much sense, does it?
You could lock yourself into a battle of wills, but that's not going to get you what you really want - a relationship with a child who trusts you enough to do it the first time, not doing it the first time because they are scared.

React as calmly as possible, state the needs, and offer acceptable choices. However, I don't believe that you need to take what a child dishes out, either. I don't like to be screamed at and I have every right to declare my boundaries, "I won't let you scream at me. The pants are there. When you are ready I will be over here." and I have the right to distance myself from the offensive action. (and trust me, it's soooo worth it when you see your daughter use this the first time with her friends to stand up for herself!)