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Old 08-04-2008, 11:26 PM   #1
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WWYD?

SO here it is.. I was adopted when I was a few months old. My adoptive dad (my real and only Dad) is deceased, his wife, my adoptive mother, is estranged from us, we have no relationship. She did several things to alienate me from the birth parents I never knew and it hurt our relationship, she also resented me for some reason, but that's a whole other story!

I placed a profile on one of those adoption registries when I was like 18 and forgot about it.

My Bio-dad found it and responded a few months ago. Turns out my bio parents had son a year an a half after I was born. He's 21 and has a baby a few months older than my son. Bio-dad also has a 16 year old (another woman) and is now married to a third woman and they have a 3 and a half year old...

Bio-mom has 5 or 6 year old twin girls.
Bio-Dad and I had a frank and honest discussion about me, bio-mom (and her issues at the time..) and adoptive Mom. I sent photos of DS a couple of times. My full brother and I exchanged e-mails and photos too.

I'm going to be back home for a week this December, I won't be back in the US for 3 years after that...

Should I ask if he wants to meet? I have no fantasy of the family I never had anymore. I'm so jaded about the idea of family because of Adoptive Mom that I don't really want parents in my life, I guess.

At the same time, I feel that if I put myself out there and he didn't want to meet I'd be hurt.

IDK what I should do.

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Old 08-05-2008, 12:12 AM   #2
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Re: WWYD?

If you do go meet them,you might end up regretting it. If you don't go see them,you will probably always regret it. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. ((((hugs))))
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:18 AM   #3
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Re: WWYD?

Well seeing that he's the one that contacted you first, I don't see why he wouldn't want to see you. I think if you really want to meet him, ask him. Maybe you can tell him that you're going to be in the area at this certain time and wait to see what he says. If he brings up wanting to meet, then great. If he doesn't you can maybe throw something out there about meeting for lunch or something.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:26 AM   #4
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Re: WWYD?

One of my best friends gave up a son 30 yrs ago b/c she was 15 and couldn't handle an infant. She always feared the reunion, if there ever was one. Her son contacted her about a year ago, they had a long, long, long talk over the phone, answering the why ?? that came up. Then he said, "Thank you so much for giving me up. I have had the best life and have become the man I am today b/c of you and your decision." They now have a great relationship and call eachother/see eachother as often as possible. But the whole thing started w/ the first conversation being "If you don't want a relationship, that's fine, but I would just like to meet you and see where I come from." Maybe you could say something like that and just see where it goes.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:27 AM   #5
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Old 08-05-2008, 08:30 AM   #6
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Re: WWYD?

I would ask for contact. It seems like you are interested and I can't imagine he would reject that idea, since he was obviously searching for you too. There are bio parents out there that don't want contact, but IME they do not search and are generally much older.

And, as far as not wanting more parents in your life, while they are your bio parents, IME reunited parents don't usually act like "parents", more like friends, unless the adoptee lets them know they want more. And since he didn't ask to meet, it sounds like he is leaving it up to you. From what you said about your amother and afather, he is probably afraid to scare you away.

I just don't think it is possible to have too many people in your life who care about you, and since he contacted you, he obviously does care. I know it would feel horrible to be rejected, but I really don't see this happening in your situation. I am a first parent and I work in adoption reform, so I know a lot of first parents and the ones who search want to meet up.

Good luck and
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Old 08-05-2008, 11:57 AM   #7
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Re: WWYD?

I'd say go for it. Like everyone else has said, he wouldn't have tried to find you if he didn't want to have contact with you. I think it could be very good for both of you. Just my
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Old 08-05-2008, 04:53 PM   #8
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Re: WWYD?

Quote:
Originally Posted by seahawk View Post
I would ask for contact. It seems like you are interested and I can't imagine he would reject that idea, since he was obviously searching for you too. There are bio parents out there that don't want contact, but IME they do not search and are generally much older.

And, as far as not wanting more parents in your life, while they are your bio parents, IME reunited parents don't usually act like "parents", more like friends, unless the adoptee lets them know they want more. And since he didn't ask to meet, it sounds like he is leaving it up to you. From what you said about your amother and afather, he is probably afraid to scare you away.

I just don't think it is possible to have too many people in your life who care about you, and since he contacted you, he obviously does care. I know it would feel horrible to be rejected, but I really don't see this happening in your situation. I am a first parent and I work in adoption reform, so I know a lot of first parents and the ones who search want to meet up.

Good luck and
Well I don't really have parents, unless you count my ILs. He seemed sort of sad that my relationship with my adoptive "mother" but I reassured him I turned out just fine, as normal as anyone else, I guess.
I'm close to my dad's sister so that's something.

I think he didn't bring up meeting because in the first reply I told him I'm in Hawaii, he's in MD so it was a moot point, LOL.

He has a 3.5 year old who looks a lot like me - it was the weirdest thing for me to see a little person who looks like me. My adoptive sister was my parent's biological child and was tall w/blue eyes and blond hair, my opposite!
DS looks like DH's clone w/my elf ears so it was just so weird. DH thought I was weird that I thought it was weird, LOL.

IDK, I'd really like to meet my brother, but he lives in Florida.

I think I'm so worried about it because my adoptive "mom" told me that my parent's rejected me and then had my brother and wanted to keep him. Granted it was said in anger and frustration but it was said to a 9 year old... so.. yea. I have had a problem trusting people and bonding.. to say the least.

I guess when we have orders I and I know what week we're leaving I can hint around it? I sort of want to meet my Bio-mom too but she never contacted me, I was told giving me up practically destroyed her. IDK, one is better than nothing..
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Old 08-05-2008, 07:27 PM   #9
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Re: WWYD?

I'm dealing with this in some sort of way as well; I was adopted from birth - bio mom was 16 and bio father was her school principal so you see where that was going. I was always told who my bio mother was growing up but never had a relationship with her. Bio dad I didn't ever really meet properly.
Now my relationship with my bio mother is damaged at best but I have never known the paternal side of my other family. It eats at me every once in a while, but nearly on a daily basis these days.
After my DS was born (he's 4.5), I flew us out so bio mother could meet him. She offered to get a DNA test done between me and bio father if I ever asked for it. Well, 2-3 weeks ago I finally e-mailed her and told her I wanted to go ahead with it, I haven't heard from her since
It just hits me more, with a family of my own, the sense of family. I have twin brothers and a sister (all 1-2 years younger than me) who I have never met. They are my DS aunt and uncles They're all over the place now, living their own lives. One is married, one is a model, I don't even know what the other one is doing. I just hear random bits from other bio family.
I'm too scared to just out of the blue send a message to one of my siblings. Then again I have no idea how long it'll take to hear back from my bio mother and I would rather not speak to her over the phone.
It's so nerve-wracking, and I can't tell you how much I would love to make some contact at this point...
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