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Old 08-20-2008, 08:08 PM   #1
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Just wondering what some of you think of this...

This is quite a long story so I apologize in advance but need to give you some background. I am a single mother by choice. I adopted my son through the foster care system 11 years ago. I am a NICU nurse and he was a patient in our unit who required at liver and small intestine transplant. I took him home at 5mos old and he had his transplant at 16mos old. I waited several years to pursue parenting another child because his health issues were so complicated and time consuming but I have always desperately wanted at least one more child. Finally about 4 years ago I started trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant in Nov. 2006 with my daughter via IVF. Unfortunately I had an amnio (I am 39) at 15 1/2 weeks and my water broke with it. I spent the rest of the pregnancy on bedrest and Emily was born at 35w5d but only lived 40minutes. I waited the required 6mos and had another IVF this past January and am currently 32w pregnant with a boy.

I renewed my foster license a couple of years ago knowing that if the IVF route failed traditional domestic adoption would take years. After my daughter passed away I reminded them that I was still interested in adopting a baby girl at any time even if I got pregnant and I've had a couple of calls but nothing that has worked out.

Other part of the background.... I have a friend who is also a single mom by choice. She has a 9 year old son and is now 50 years old. I asked her when I met her about 5 years ago if she wanted more kids and we've discussed it since then several times. The answer has always been 'no' for various reasons (age, finances, etc...). We hang out with our boys usually at least once a week and she knows me well and knows my desire to have a daughter in addition to the son I am now carrying. She also knows that although timing right now would not be good I am totally open to a baby whenever it comes into my life because I know this 'game' well and know that you take any chance you get as it may not come along again or for a very long time. I've always said that when a blessing falls into your lap you grab it up and hold on tight.

So... fast forward to yesterday. She calls me and tells me that SHE has ben asked if she is interested in adopting a one week old baby girl. Grandpa has custody and can't keep her indefinitely as he is already raising another 4 year old grandchild by himself. The grandpa is a member of the church of one of my friend's co-workers. And the kicker is she is truly considering it!

I'd like to say I'm a good friend and I'm happy for her and supportive of whatever decision she makes but I'm not. I just feel terribly jealous and somewhat 'betrayed' (not exactly the word I'm looking for but can't figure out what it is that I'm looking for I guess). She did say something about giving them my name IF she decides against it but I just can't believe that she is truly considering this when she has always said no before. Oh... and we had a little boy in foster care a couple of years ago that she just loved. When I got pregnant I asked them to move him to somewhere permanent (we knew he was going to be adoptable eventually) as at that time I wasn't sure I wanted TWO little ones at the same time. She expressed some interest but when pushed to do what it takes, make the committment to be a foster paretnt and such she never pursued it. And she even said last night 'I have to say I was more excited about the prospect of adopting "J".. I guess because I already knew him'. So.. that would have been preferable to her but she didn't pursue it so why pursue this one??

So for those of you who have been waiting for foster or foster/adopt or adopt how would you feel about this??? Am I terrible for hoping she decides against it whether I get a referral or not??

Also I found out this evening that the baby is likely in the foster system (with grandpa providiing family care). I am so tempted to call some of my contacts tomorrow and ask them to check into this baby for me and then if I do get a call about her 'play dumb' like they just called me out of the blue. Geez, that sounds terrible I guess. Certainly some of you understand though that when you've wanted something for so long that your friend has never wanted and then your friend 'gets' the very thing you wanted it's just painful.

Also I do not want to sound like I am not THRILLED about the upcoming birth of my son because I am! VERY excited and can't wait to meet him. I would love to have a year or so to devote totally to him and THEN adopt a girl... but as I said.. in this game you consider ALL offers no matter what the timing. So... they'd be 2mos apart and it would be like raising twins... but it's doable (I actually secretely prayed for twins when undergoing this IVF round).

Anyway... feel better to have vented all this and just curious what others would feel in this situation.


Last edited by kimnlogan; 08-20-2008 at 10:17 PM.
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Old 08-20-2008, 11:46 PM   #2
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Re: Just wondering what some of you think of this...

mama- I haven't been in your position but I have been the one wanting to be pregnant and having close friends say they weren't ready yet and wanted to wait a long time and then boom all of a sudden they are pregnant and tell you they just decided to go for it. I felt so hurt but then I had to remember that it is their life, their choices and that I shouldn't be threatened by their happiness and their blessings because I started to realize that my jealousy (which it wasn't totally this, but definitely for me a lot of it was) was coming from a yucky place in side of me- a place of insecurity and discontentment. It took me a long time to realize that this is not who I want to be (I still have to check myself on this issue often as now everyone's on to having their 2nd and 3rd children)- I don't want to have a competitive attitude about motherhood with my friends (and which one of us is the first to adopt or have our next child etc.). It has been neat to look back now and see the unique ways in which each of us was blessed with children in different timing and how it has been for the best in each of our circumstances. Anyway, I am a strong believer in peace about situations and am hoping you are able to come to a place of peace inside your heart about this- no matter which way it ends up. After all, (as you know already ) it is about what is best for this baby and meeting her need for a loving family. I hope this came out right- please keep us posted mama about what happens.
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Old 08-21-2008, 12:04 AM   #3
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Re: Just wondering what some of you think of this...

Hey mommy,
What you are feeling is very normal. No, I have not been in that position and have been blessed with getting pregnant very easily and naturally. But, none the less I think that you will find that it will work out perfectly. There is a reason this has come up in the order it did.
If your friend ends up with the little princess then you two would both have new babies very soon and possibly grow your friendship with that bonding experience. If she says no... maybe they will contact you...or maybe there is another sweet baby girl waiting in your future.
In any case I believe you will find peace over this and don't beat yourself up for being human.
If you are a believer in God or not I would still like to pray for your current pregnancy... let me know if that would be okay. If not no worries.
Blessings and good luck!
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Old 08-21-2008, 07:37 AM   #4
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Re: Just wondering what some of you think of this...

I understand your fellings. Right or wrong, having a desire for so long and seeing someone else get what you've been working so hard for stings.
Still, I wonder if your friend isn't just enamored with the idea. As adoptive moms we all know how hard it is to say no when a child is presented to you. If she didn't consider it I would be suprised.
Blessed to be Mommy to DD, Avery (4 yrs. old)
Waiting on 1st Foster Placement!
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Old 08-21-2008, 05:29 PM   #5
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Re: Just wondering what some of you think of this...

Oh Mama, I'm so sorry you are in this position. You are not wrong in feeling the way you do.
I have no words. I'm so sorry.
DD Sasha (4.30.02) Russian adoption 10/8/05
DD Eliana (1.4.07) Domestic adoption 1/7/07
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