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Old 05-17-2006, 07:52 AM   #31
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Re: are there any other....

Melissa, I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I hope you guys can find a healthy living situation for everyone involved.

I am glad your friend had a good experience. A lot of people do. But a lot people don't as well. Its not about how good it feels, it's about doing the right thing. And that is what we are trying to do.
I dont know that any fostering situation affords a good experience because of what must have led up to the placement of a child outside their home.

I think she would agree with you about doing the right thing. Her current foster son was the kid no one wanted because he was born with a hole in his head and addicted to narcotics. I watched my friend struggle through it as well as find the joys in it.

Same token, this same parent has also had children removed from her home when they have become a threat to the other children living there.

I dont critisize you or the choices you make to protect the other children in your care. Im a mom-cant blame you there at all. I guess I wanted to know that there was something proactive being done for the good of everyone involved.

Best to you and yours.


Last edited by smugsmilz; 05-17-2006 at 07:58 AM.
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Old 05-17-2006, 09:12 AM   #32
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Re: are there any other....

I appreciate you all as well. I feel if I choose to vent here, I open myself up to questions and comments and I don't mind that at all.

Our two foster girls definitely had some issues. And they weren't ones I wasn't willing to take on. The youngest was on heroin, in effect, the entire pregnancy. The oldest really threw us for loop however. We just didn't expect some of the things...Like the whole "you get out your pee pee" me this was an emergency. To the social workers, it didn't seem as such. One day I will try to type all that out because I hope somehow through this experience, someone, somewhere gets helped through that information. Let's just say it's not easy to get a child sexual abuse counseling...Not how I thought it should go. I thought you call, it's set up and wham...its done. Ugh!

I think fostering and adopting is wonderful. But it's all about family dynamics. We knew we would be bringing some things into our home that would not be good. But we thought having 4 raised one way would level out the other two. It was like this teeter totter sort of thing...4 against 2 so to say and that the 4 would lead the 2 into acting appropriately. But the oldest 2 are so fed up they want nothing to do with either of the girls. I totally did not see that coming. What it comes down to is that we brought in children the same ages as our youngest two and it didn't work. I know this CAN work...I know it could work for us in the future, at a different stage of our family's growth. I think with a child with major behavior problems (that put their own safety in walking away with a stranger, going outside late at night after sneaking to get outside...) you have to be able to focus soley on that child. It can be something as simple as turning your back for a second to change a diaper that gets the child in question into a dangerous situation. That scares me. Right now I have to follow her around every second of the day to make sure she's okay and that my children are okay. There is headstart, but then I have to worry about being called to school everyday (and we homeschool) and also anything that is done differently with her than the other children totally freaks her out...To the point she will force herself to eat foods she hates so she won't miss out on something the other children have. Her will is amazingly strong. We had a huge ordeal the other day over painting the girls nails. My oldest daughter likes her nails polished, so I told her I would. I let the little girls know I was not doing theirs this time because the last two times, they have picked off the polish immediately. My daughter was fine with that, my niece was just in denial and thought she would get them done anyways. So I polished my older daughter's nails and my niece got right up like it was her turn. I explained to her again not today because she picked it off last time and that her and Cassidy wouldn't be getting their nails done until they were a bit older. You have never seen such a fit in your entire life. My own children would have to have broken something to cry like that, and jumping up and down, head thrashing all over the place. These are the things that made me realize that there are issues that are being aggravated by this environment. She has to do whatever anyone else is doing or for the rest of the day, she is out of control. There are times when you just go with the flow...Like giving her a food you know she will hate and whine about later...but that if you don't give it to her, she will make you miserable the rest of the day. I just give in to those..But certain things, like wearing clothes 10 times too big for her, or 10 times too small....staying up later, being involved in certain discussions...(Oh Lord if you could hear her explanation on certain things we have talked crazy it sounds when she recaps LOL!) those are things we step in and say no...and then it's like watch out.

We went through foster parent classes and I thought it was a waste of time. Now I am so glad I did go because I am recognizing the behaviors for what they are/are not. She is not trying to disrupt things here, she's simply a product of her family's breakdown. She uses chaos to get attention, she acts out to be the center, and there is absolutely no way to give her the attention she needs without ignorning my other children...and when you give them any attention, she acts out though she's competing. She seriously needs to be back where she is the center. Even with her little sister with her, she will need to be the youngest exclusing her little sister. Her sister has the personality that willl always lead her to take the backseat to her older sister, but I honestly think she will okay with that....

Like I said we are working with her social worker in her state. I am being a little obnoxious, but I don't care. I want them to know what she does/doesn't like to eat, what activities she enjoys, what behaviors are happening, things she says, things she does, what I feel is the ideal environment for her. Maybe they think I am weird, but I have been her caregiver for 6 months and have made it priority to make her life the best it can possibly be and I have really gotten to know her. I want that to count for something. I want her life to be beautiful and meaningful, not a series of chaotic events. I want the next person to know exactly what she has done for the last six months, so that her memories aren't just shoved to the side as meaningless. It can be like that when their lives are fragmented. I fully intend that she will leave here with her own little scrapbook of all the things she has done, places we've been, etc. Her life here has been very fun for her and I have to say as stressed as we've been...We have been patient, kind and very concerned...VERY concerned LOL....And I have tried so hard to make up to her all the things that have happened to her. But I know that's impossible. Life has dealt us all a certain stack of cards....and unfortunately for her, her stack is a little skewed right now.

I could really use some prayers about this. I am mostly praying right now that her new family will allow us to still be her aunt and uncle. I want that so badly my heart breaks. I want to be able to call and talk to her, to send her presents and pictures and maybe, just maybe they would even allow the girls to come visit when they are a little older. I don't want this to break our family apart...My prayer is that we aren't losing two nieces, but maybe, just maybe gaining more family through the family that adopts them. That is my biggest wish right now.

Okay, my coffee is calling me.

And again, thank you so much for "listening" I have talked this to death with everyone in my "real" life and I know they have to be sick of hearing about it LOL! But I am not sick of talking about it. We have had a double whammy on our lives lately and talking is good therapy!
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Old 05-17-2006, 10:48 AM   #33
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Re: are there any other....

Melisa- There is a couple at my church who were dealing with the same problem. They had adopted two children as babies/toddlers and then had on e of their own. They then took on two foster to adopt kids. Their own kids suffered so bad because the foster kids need so much attention. they finally had to give up the foster kids. The FC were mean to the other kids and need so much more than my friends could ever give them. The FC were moved to a home without other kids and they are doing great.

I think you are doing what is right. You own children need the mom and it sounds like the FC are coming before them. As my friend said "You are a mom first and a foster mom second"
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Old 05-17-2006, 12:57 PM   #34
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Re: are there any other....

I hope everything will work out for the best of all of you in your family!
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Old 05-17-2006, 02:12 PM   #35
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Re: are there any other....

We're Quiverful to a certain extent, you might say, but we definitely believe that is it sometimes necessary to space children, especially for urgent medical reasons.
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