Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-16-2008, 10:45 AM   #1
karmamama's Avatar
karmamama
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MN...for now :)
Posts: 917
My Mood:
....how do I know??

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, so please bear with me....

Since before I was pg with #3, I had the idea of adoption in my head. It just felt right. We were in absolutely no position to add to our family at that point, so it wasn't something I brought up to dh. With the unexpected gift of dd3, adoption was even further out of the realm of possibility financialy speaking. Dh is now working at a secure job, doing work he enjoys. We live very simply by choice, so we are blessed that this new job gives us plenty at the end of each month for savings.

I find myself stumbling upon adoption sotries and information even when I'm not looking for them, and it feels like these things are falling into my lap for a reason. It feels like it's time to move forward. Of course, the first order of business is having more than just an offhand conversation with dh about this. But I'm scared to bring it up because although he would never tell me "no" if this was something I felt I *had* to do, we agreed to table the discussion of #4 until dd3 was at least a year old. I want to honor that agreement, but I just can't get this out of my head.

How did you all begin the process? Were you and dh immediately on the same page, or was there a lot of discussion before you agreed to pursue it? Once you made the decision to go ahead, how long did it take you to get the money together, do the paperwork, have the visits, etc, etc? Did you ever have second thoughts? How did the process affect your other kids if you have them, and your relationship with dh?

Thanks for any insight

Advertisement

__________________
b wandering with S (since 6/01)
Joyful mama to 3 girls P (3/03), C (5/06) and R (6/08) plus little man B (12/11)
** Swagbucks **
karmamama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2008, 12:20 PM   #2
JenS's Avatar
JenS
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 122
My Mood:
Re: ....how do I know??

I can tell you from my experience that adoping was something my DH never thought we would do.
He took awhile to come around to the idea, but I didn't nag about it either. I brought up the subject as a possibility and asked him to think about it. A week or so later I asked his feelings, and he said he wasn't ready, but I could research the possibility. I did. For 3 months. Then I took him what I found and said - think about it, pray about and get back to me. 1 month later, he said, ok lets adopt.

This time around I wanted to adopt, he chose foster care. I thought he wouldn't be ready for that, but he was. you never know, men are a different ball of wax all together.
__________________
Jen
Blessed to be Mommy to DD, Avery (4 yrs. old)
Waiting on 1st Foster Placement!
JenS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2008, 12:33 PM   #3
avidreader's Avatar
avidreader
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,450
My Mood:
Re: ....how do I know??

it is a difficult decision- I think especially when you have kiddos already. I'll tell you how we came to be where we are at now...
Before we were married, we both talked about foster care/adoption and he understood that it was something I was very passionate about and felt strongly about doing someday- that being said, we stated we would try to have bio kids first and then after we had 3 or so bio kids we would look into adoption. Roll ahead a few years and we've had our first bio child and the pregnancy was rough for awhile and the recovery was awful. We stated we would wait until he was a year old to start trying for another one but when he turned a year, I didn't have that desire to be pregnant again but kept thinking about adoption. I didn't know how dh would feel about it because we had agreed years ago to wait and he was so gung ho on having another bio child. But I've been working in foster care for the past 3 years and dh has heard many stories and held me many nights when I've come home crying and saying to him that I wish so badly we could take in one of the kiddos I work with. So, it was in the back of his mind so when I brought up to him the option of us just taking the foster/adoptive classes through the county and just seeing what we think- no commitments yet- he was all for it. The classes have helped him to become just as passionate as I am about adoption and foster care- we have loved being a part of them and so many cool things have happened because we joined (mostly people we met such as a former foster youth who is now calling my dh for support and advice etc). Still, we were trying to figure out how we would be able to provide the correct amount of supervision to make sure that if we took an older child in that there would be no chance of him/her acting out with our ds as this would be awful for both of them. We know it certainly doesn't happen in every situation, but I deal with enough at work to know that we didn't feel we could take that risk at this time. We are also in baby mode and have now had experience with a baby so we feel that at this time, we could best parent a child younger than ds. We decided that it would be best for us to keep the birth order of our family as it has already been set and we felt that despite ds being only 15 months, by the time we would be finished with the process, he would be even older and more set as the oldest of the family. The sw' s all agreed with us and now here we are about to graduate from our classes (tomorrow night- wahoo!) and start in on our home study which will take a couple of months and then we will be a family in waiting. We hope to someday be able to foster/adopt older, harder to place children, but for now feel a peace about trying to adopt a child younger than what our ds will be at the time. The only costs we have had were $30 for our fingerprints and paying for our physicals- other than that, the county covers all the costs. For us, though we are passionate about international adoption as well, we do not have the $15.000+ and did not feel that that was the right thing for us at this time. Working in the system, as screwed up as it is, reminds me that these kids did not ask to be placed in a crazy system and that they desperately need families who will love them and that they are worth fighting for. So that's our story- I hope it helped you in some way- maybe you can share it with your dh as a starting point to talk about this. Keep us posted!!!
__________________
wife to my best friend, mommy to a sweet little boy (5/28/07), a spunky little girl (6/11/09) adopted through the foster care system on 3/18/11, and expecting baby boy Jan/Feb 2014.
avidreader is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2008, 03:07 PM   #4
kylesmom
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 798
My Mood:
Re: ....how do I know??

I have 4 bio kids and 4 adopted kids. My adoptions were all private domestic adoptions. I alos fostered for about 5 years , mainly babies with medical issues. I will tell you this and I am NOT trying to discourage anyone, I have always felt that fostercare is the least expensive , most heartwrenching way to adopt. Its long ( most of the time I know there are exceptions) it like riding an emotional rollercoaster and it costs close to nothing except your blood sweat and tears. is it worth it YES every heartwrenching minute is worth it but please be prepared!!
God only gives you the children who are ment to be yours no matter how they find their way into your heart!! I truely truely believe this!! good luck sounds to me like you will be hitting the adoption road soon, its a great bumpy ride no matter which direction you go!!! GOOD LUCK!
kylesmom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2008, 10:50 PM   #5
mom55's Avatar
mom55
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 209
My Mood:
Re: ....how do I know??

I would like to address your question if you ever had second thoughts. With our first adoption I was nervous, and second guessing myself all the night before we picked up our DD. Once we got her in our arms, we never looked back. With each of our subsequent adoptions there was never any doubt.

Children are such a blessing - you already know that. I have found for me it didn't matter which way they came to me. It mattered only that I was there forever MOM!
__________________
Mary, Adoptive Mom to 5 HS, WAHM, Wife to SuperMan!!!
"God never sends a thorn in our lives that he doesn't send a rose to bloom.
Check out our 100% natural family and baby soaps, balms, and woolwash bars!!!
mom55 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-17-2008, 04:28 PM   #6
karmamama's Avatar
karmamama
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MN...for now :)
Posts: 917
My Mood:
Re: ....how do I know??

Thank you mamas....I appreciate your input. I did bring it up to dh and he agreed to give it some serious thought. We will discuss again in three months, once we're settled from our move
__________________
b wandering with S (since 6/01)
Joyful mama to 3 girls P (3/03), C (5/06) and R (6/08) plus little man B (12/11)
** Swagbucks **
karmamama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-17-2008, 07:33 PM   #7
cowangel's Avatar
cowangel
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,190
My Mood:
Re: ....how do I know??

Thanks for all the input here from all of you experienced mommies out there. I was looking to post some similar questions here, but this thread actually answered most of them for me. We have just seriously been trying to decide on WHEN to adopt (yes, DH finally agreed TO adopt)...how did you decide when? Did you already have the money in the bank? How long did it take to save for it? Did you find any creative ways to finance your adoption costs?

I am ready to dive into this head first, but DH says he's not sure he's emotionally ready to dive in. We have been talking to several families DH works with who have adopt 1 or more times and they have really been able to show DH the joy that comes from adoption (regardless of the upfront costs)...and they have bragged about how God wants His children to find homes so He will make a way for those children to come into our homes and be a part of our family.

It is so hard for me to let this issue rests and give DH room to think...how do you do it? Any help would be appreciated!

Don't mean to piggy back off of this thread I just thought it was right up my ally!
cowangel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-2008, 04:52 PM   #8
coateslc
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Fort Stockton Texas
Posts: 8
My Mood:
Re: ....how do I know??

I have always wanted to adopt- my husband was like I would never adopt- I had my second miscarriage in January and my husband came to me and said- I want to adopt. We researched the agencies and decided to go through adoption angels in San Antonio Texas. We filled out all of our paperwork and did our portfolio and mailed everything in. We were accepted and then found out that we needed 15,000 down before they would show our portfolio. We called them and backed out and several days later they called us and said that we had been selected. I told them- I called you and told you that we could not afford it. They told us that they would work with us on a price and they cut our cost in half. They also allowed us to make payments to them monthly. We totally know that this is God's will. God will provide and open the doors if it is his will! We will have a beautiful baby girl in about 2-4 weeks!
coateslc is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.