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Old 02-13-2009, 09:23 AM   #11
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Re: OT - how do you go about separating?

My heart breaks for you.
My parents "stayed together for the kids" and it was truly awful what we grew up with-- too many things that we never should have seen and heard.
You're doing the right thing.
Be brave, mama. Be a strong warrior for your LOs.

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Old 02-13-2009, 09:27 AM   #12
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Re: OT - how do you go about separating?



Do you have a local women's shelter? Ours can give support (food, clothing, I think some $) even if you don't stay at the shelter to mamas in situations like yours. I would definately mention thatit could have gotten dangerous (which I took some of what you were saying to mean. If I am incorrect please let me know)

again
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Old 02-13-2009, 12:23 PM   #13
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Re: OT - how do you go about separating?

My advice, from seeing family go through this, is to talk to a lawyer even before separation, even if you don't want to eventually divorce. How you leave can influence temporary custody during the separation and final custody if you get divorced. Such as, one family member was told by a lawyer that if he left without the kids, it would be seen as a kind of abandonment, and would influence how much time he got with the kids. And it can be viewed negatively to leave with the kids too. Be careful with that, and good luck!
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Old 02-13-2009, 06:21 PM   #14
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Re: OT - how do you go about separating?

I think what you did was a good idea. He may be a good father but who knows when his moods might change onto them?? I would tell him now that you are gone that you want things to change and stay that way or you won't be coming back. If things can change and he can prove he wants to be with you I'd give him the chance. But it's not holding up his end on showing he wants to work things out then I think you are better off without. If you have to, start looking for a place. I'd give it a couple of months for him to prove he wants to change. Did something happen around christmas that made his moods worse?? Just wondering. GL mama and will be thinking of ya
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Old 02-13-2009, 06:23 PM   #15
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Re: OT - how do you go about separating?

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Originally Posted by Jana315 View Post
Thanks ladies. Things went pretty well and it was quite a relief to be out of an uncomfortable situation. DH & I have not spoken much, but he didn't seem to get really angry or anything - sigh of relief. Don't quite know where we will go from here, but I'm pretty happy with things for now.
Glad to hear it mama! Keep us posted
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Old 02-13-2009, 10:16 PM   #16
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Re: OT - how do you go about separating?

Sounds like you've made up your mind. I hope it goes well for you! Sometimes old habits just refuse to get better and it's what you have to do...


eta- it sounds to me like you don't need marriage counseling, he needs anger management counseling. maybe this is why the two of you haven't been able to work things through? maybe your leaving will wake him up enough to agree to get it (this would be best done regularly, weekly one on one and weekly support groups). if he can make the change and learn to control his emotions, and communicate healthfully, maybe there is hope for you? There's an affordable book on Amazon I'd recommend ACT- on life, not on anger.

At any rate, counseling is cheaper than divorce, plus you can be separated for awhile which will help, too. Honestly, though, if you're going to temporarily separate, talk with him reasonably and ask him to crash somewhere-- it makes sense the mom and kids should stay at the house, because it's certainly easier for the kids.


GL!
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Old 02-16-2009, 10:48 AM   #17
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Re: OT - how do you go about separating?

We haven't figured things out at all, but I did come back home on Saturday - things haven't been unpleasant, but we still haven't had a chance to "talk." We had a sitter all lined up for yesterday so we could really talk, but she stood us up! The nerve... I've got another place to stay if I need it. I have to admit that it was really nice to be out of the house, even if it was only for 2 nights & DH seemed to have gotten the message that I am very serious about some changes, but the specifics of the changes....we'll have to get to that this week. Thanks for the support & ideas. I feel like I'm very alone in this, so it is really nice to have cyber-support.
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Old 02-16-2009, 10:59 AM   #18
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Re: OT - how do you go about separating?

You need to consult a lawyer, even if things are looking up. I don't know what the laws are like in Montana, but here in Virginia, whichever spouse physically "leaves" the home loses a lot of rights.
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Old 02-16-2009, 07:03 PM   #19
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Re: OT - how do you go about separating?

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Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post
You need to consult a lawyer, even if things are looking up. I don't know what the laws are like in Montana, but here in Virginia, whichever spouse physically "leaves" the home loses a lot of rights.
yes this!!!
Also, whichever spouse files for separation gets what they want...so now that he knows, if he runs down to the courthouse and files, he can say "I want the house, the kids the car, and SHE has to leave" and usually the judge will grant it temporarily, until you come to a final agreement, which takes months to years.....don't let him get the jump on you!
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