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Old 03-12-2009, 10:14 AM   #1
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new sibling in the house... HELP

I'm sure this is not a new topic but I can't sit and search for a thread about it right now........


DS1 just turned 3... we have a newborn now. He was a HUGE handful before I even got pregnant, and has never really improved his behavior. He doesn't go to preschool and doesn't get much social interaction with other chidlren since most of my friends don't have children and I am havinga hard time finding anyone around here that wants to hang out often.

Problem is this- now DS1 is acting like a baby..... apparently there are some issues with our new baby. But today at story time (the first time I've taken him) he crawled around like a baby, started standing up on things like a baby does when they're trying to stand up (since there was an 8 month old baby there doing this sam ething) and refused to sit down and participate. We ended up putting his books away and leaving..... seeing as how he loves his library books and I wasn't about to reward him not listening to me for 30 minutes.

HOOOOOOOOW in the heck do I deal with this? I feel like i've done everything I can to make him know he's still special to me, that that behavior is not tolerated, that there are consequences to actions.... and it just seems to be getting worse not better. I came home in tears because I have no clue how to deal with this any longer....... help.

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Old 03-12-2009, 10:35 AM   #2
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Re: new sibling in the house... HELP

lette never took a passy and now she thinks she needs to... i guess i should be greatful that is our only issue. I hope others have advice
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:37 AM   #3
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Re: new sibling in the house... HELP

thanks
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:48 AM   #4
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Re: new sibling in the house... HELP

I don't know. I didn't have this with my kids. But I have heard of soooo many moms who have had this same problem. From all I've gathered, it will pass. Do your best to have one on one time with him, even if it's just 10 minutes a day. Have DH do the same thing. Treating him like a big kid and doing your best to let him know he's special for who he is is the only thing I can think to do.

And maybe scream into your pillow on occasion.

Oh, and another thought. Is there a possibility you could get him into some sort of class for his age? Tumbling, dance, martial arts, art, etc??
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:03 PM   #5
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Re: new sibling in the house... HELP

My friends daughter went through the same thing when her twins were born. Her daughter was 3.5 just turned 4. She started peeing on her self, acting like a baby and not listening. My friend was at the end of her rope. So my friend treated her just like a baby. She put her in diapers, she wasnt allowed to go outside to play (babies cant go out by themselves and she couldnt take 3 babies outside), she started feeding her baby food at dinner, no special treats because babies cant eat candy or sweets, no juice because babies cant have juice. She made her take 3 naps a day. She took away all her big girl toys because babies cant play with big girl toys.No TV, and she went to bed early when the babies did. You get the idea. Her daughter thought it was fun for the first 24 hours and then decided she wanted to be a big girl.

Maybe you could try something like that. If he sees his sister doing all these fun things then maybe he will change his mind.
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:07 PM   #6
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Re: new sibling in the house... HELP

DS turned 3 the day DD was born, and for the first few weeks, acted out. When my wife went back to work 3 weeks ago, we had a resurgence of the defiant behaviors again. I expected it both times, but it didn't make it any easier. I did my best to be really consistent with how i responded to his defiant behavior. DS also has moments where he acts/pretends to be the baby, whether it's just his typical playacting (he's very imaginative and regularly pretends to be other people or animals for an entire day) or whether it's a plea for attention, I roll with it for the most part (at home).

I've worked hard to maintain his schedule as much as possible; we go to storytime every week, a different play group another day each week, and play with a friend another day. I make sure he has tons of opportunities to get out the toddler energy, make sure to give him one-on-one time when the baby is napping, and occasionally "tell" the baby she has to wait until I'm done doing whatever with DS (he hears me tell a contented baby to wait, making him feel special, since quite often he has to wait to do something while I deal with DD). I also ask him to be my special helper and go a bit overboard with the praise when he complies. We're also introducing some new big boy responsibilities, like setting the table, making his bed, clearing the table, for which he'll get a small allowance to save, donate, and spend.

As for public behaviors, we talk a lot about what we're going to do next, and i give him notice of impending transitions (i.e., 5 minutes until we leave, 2 minutes, 1 minute, it's time to go), and we talk before we leave the house about where we're going and what type of behavior he needs to have. I ask him to tell me what kind of behavior he needs to have wherever we're going, and if we drive there, we have a little reminder about it as i'm unbuckling him from his carseat. He "knows" what the consequences will be from the outset--though kids under five don't really understand consequences, hence the constant reinforcement--and I give him little reminders throughout the time if I notice his behavior is changing. I'm consistent, even when it's inconvenient or means a temper tantrum. He always gets a warning (i.e., you need to stay with Daddy. If you run off again, we will go home), and I'm religious about doing what I say if the behavior happens again. It's a PITA sometimes, but it's worked so far.

I also have been playing much closer attention to when we're going out. If he's tired, we don't go out, because it's bound to be a challenging time for him.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'd say, if there's a way to get him more socialization, like through the storytime, absolutely pursue that as often as you're able. Also, just a note on 3 year olds and storytime/group participation: they're still on the young end of the spectrum for that. Lots of the kids in our storytime (for 3-5 year olds) participate fully, but lots don't at all, or only partially. Their attention spans are short, and they need lots of movement throughout the day. If it's a storytime where eveyone is expected to sit quietly for more than a few minutes at a time, it may not be the best storytime for your son right now. Or, take him there right after running around outside, so that he can concetrate a bit more.

Have you sought out any at home parent groups? They can be a good way to meet new friends and find other kids for your son to spend time with.
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:45 PM   #7
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Re: new sibling in the house... HELP

Unfortunately, some regression is not abnormal. Just how much is "normal" in our case, I'll be finding out in a few short weeks. I do understand it is a phase, so, you may just try riding it out. Otherwise, you've gotten some good advice here so far.

My 3 year old was a high needs baby, but, she does go to school and enjoys that very much. She knows I'll be home when the baby comes . . . and she has taken to speaking in "baby talk" when she is cared for by a friend with a younger child. Drives me nuts. I've told her what babies cannot do that she can. I'll probably employ the full-on baby treatment if she hard core regresses.
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Old 03-12-2009, 01:01 PM   #8
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Re: new sibling in the house... HELP

Quote:
Originally Posted by keysersoze View Post
DS turned 3 the day DD was born, and for the first few weeks, acted out. When my wife went back to work 3 weeks ago, we had a resurgence of the defiant behaviors again. I expected it both times, but it didn't make it any easier. I did my best to be really consistent with how i responded to his defiant behavior. DS also has moments where he acts/pretends to be the baby, whether it's just his typical playacting (he's very imaginative and regularly pretends to be other people or animals for an entire day) or whether it's a plea for attention, I roll with it for the most part (at home).

I've worked hard to maintain his schedule as much as possible; we go to storytime every week, a different play group another day each week, and play with a friend another day. I make sure he has tons of opportunities to get out the toddler energy, make sure to give him one-on-one time when the baby is napping, and occasionally "tell" the baby she has to wait until I'm done doing whatever with DS (he hears me tell a contented baby to wait, making him feel special, since quite often he has to wait to do something while I deal with DD). I also ask him to be my special helper and go a bit overboard with the praise when he complies. We're also introducing some new big boy responsibilities, like setting the table, making his bed, clearing the table, for which he'll get a small allowance to save, donate, and spend.

As for public behaviors, we talk a lot about what we're going to do next, and i give him notice of impending transitions (i.e., 5 minutes until we leave, 2 minutes, 1 minute, it's time to go), and we talk before we leave the house about where we're going and what type of behavior he needs to have. I ask him to tell me what kind of behavior he needs to have wherever we're going, and if we drive there, we have a little reminder about it as i'm unbuckling him from his carseat. He "knows" what the consequences will be from the outset--though kids under five don't really understand consequences, hence the constant reinforcement--and I give him little reminders throughout the time if I notice his behavior is changing. I'm consistent, even when it's inconvenient or means a temper tantrum. He always gets a warning (i.e., you need to stay with Daddy. If you run off again, we will go home), and I'm religious about doing what I say if the behavior happens again. It's a PITA sometimes, but it's worked so far.

I also have been playing much closer attention to when we're going out. If he's tired, we don't go out, because it's bound to be a challenging time for him.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'd say, if there's a way to get him more socialization, like through the storytime, absolutely pursue that as often as you're able. Also, just a note on 3 year olds and storytime/group participation: they're still on the young end of the spectrum for that. Lots of the kids in our storytime (for 3-5 year olds) participate fully, but lots don't at all, or only partially. Their attention spans are short, and they need lots of movement throughout the day. If it's a storytime where eveyone is expected to sit quietly for more than a few minutes at a time, it may not be the best storytime for your son right now. Or, take him there right after running around outside, so that he can concetrate a bit more.

Have you sought out any at home parent groups? They can be a good way to meet new friends and find other kids for your son to spend time with.

WTG!!!
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