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Old 04-08-2009, 11:45 PM   #1
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AP mommas of multiple high needs "spirited" kids...

HOW do you do it? DS is 3 years and DD is 10 months. Ash has been a typical high needs kiddo since birth. Brynlee was the textbook "perfect baby" until around 6-7 months, then it was like a high needs lightbulb went off in her little head. I am tapped.out. I just can't take it anymore. All.day.long. is screaming, whining, crying, clinging, fighting (yes, they kick and hit each other already !!), momma look I'm dancing on the table!, wow let's color the walls with crayons!, OMG total drama island if I can't eat dog food or overflow the tub or put toilet paper in the blender etc etc etc We are very AP. CIO is NOT an option...we have attempted it out of desperation once or twice with each kid and it does more harm than good, trust me. Lets just say I'm not a fan of repeatedly cleaning crying-induced vomit. I'm just DONE. I feel like by doing what I felt was the best for me & my family (and I still do find the principles of AP to be what I consider the best way for us to parent, its what comes to us naturally, I didn't even know it HAD a name until I got on here), I've somehow created a monster...well, two monsters, actually. Its like I've ended up giving myself the short end of the stick. And what sucks even more is all of the family that is constantly telling us how we're parenting wrong...I can show them the research behind not CIO, etc etc...how AP is good for children...its like my childre are defying this. Its like they're saying "haha, my mommy is a dumba$$ for doing this look at me going nuts". And they, doing all of the stuff we totally disagree with, have perfect little children that sleep through the night from 4 weeks old (so what if the baby "only cried for 20 minutes" right? ), have a great little schedule, never get into stuff, go to anyone anytime with no issues.


I can't leave Brynlee's sight without her crawling after me screaming her little head off, sobbing her eyes out like I'm abandoning her. I can talk to her, play with her, tickle her but its not good enough. She has to be ON me, being held by ME and nobody else ALL. the. time. But its not a calm sit-on-mommy, its a freak out, arch her back, flop around, shove her head and hands down my shirt, kick me in the face sit on mommy. We babywear but my back can only take so much...she's 25 lbs already!! She wants to nurse during the day constantly. If she's not nursing, she's trying to get in my shirt to get to my boobs. Last night she threw a kicking, screaming, throw herself to the floor and thump her head against the floor repeatedly tantrum because I walked past her and didn't pick her up.

NEITHER of them sleep through the night...3-4 hours of solid sleep is a small miracle. We don't do CIO, we cosleep out of necessity for my sanity, Brynlee still nurses 3-5 times at night, Ash nursed through the night until he was 21 months old when I had to cold turkey him due to pregnancy hormones with B & no sleep whatsoever...we switched him to a cup of milk in order to ease the transition and here we are almost 1.5 years later still getting up 2-3 times a night for a "cuppy guk". I know its bad for his teeth...but this child will literally scream and cry until he vomits over and over and over again until he gets that d**n cup of milk. He will throw a cup of water at you and continue on with the tantrum.

Neither of our families watch the kids for us. Ash can hang with his aunties for a couple hours at a time, but soon melts down. One auntie will promptly call for me to calm him (which I prefer) while the other has taken the "I'll just let him scream and cry" approach even though she has been asked AND told not to. She thought it was cute that he fell asleep crying at her bedroom door after she locked him in there one day and wouldn't come get him after an hour because she thought he needed to sleep. I however, did not find the bruised knuckles and fingernails rubbed down to the nub amusing Needless to say, she does not watch him without the other auntie around now, and she's darn lucky she gets that privilege. Brynlee...its just pointless to even try. She goes hysterical. I can't even make it down the street without somebody calling and saying " please hurry up". For the most part...our families (other than the one auntie) can't manage to respect our parenting choices to our faces and we don't trust that our choices will be respected when we're not around...so our children don't stay with them. We don't have any friends in this area. We're "weird" for being AP. The only helpful "advice" I get from anyone around me is to let them CIO, start leaving them with people and just let them scream the entire time because "they'll stop eventually", formula feed to make it easier for anyone watching them, etc etc.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG??!!??!!??!!??

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Last edited by smashncakes; 04-08-2009 at 11:47 PM.
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Old 04-09-2009, 01:38 AM   #2
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Re: AP mommas of multiple high needs "spirited" kids...

about three months ago i could have posted the exact same thing! when i was pregnant i bought a dvd of "the happiest toddler on the block" watched if a few times and just kind of passed it off as some good advice but not needed for us. well when i had yds things went crazy, the same as you are experiencing but mine was a high needs baby from the start. one of my friends gave me a book, "happiest baby on the block," i read it and loved it. it really works. so i pulled out the toddler movie for dh and also bought the toddler book for me and things have kind of taken a turn for the better. the steps are simple and very ap friendly. the only time he recommends too let the toddler cry is when all other steps fail and you suspect the little one is still crying just for the attention. even then he says only walk away for 20-30 seconds. i have been practicing his method for three months and have never gotten too the point that i have too let ods cry. i really can not say enough about these books and buy the baby one for every baby shower i go to. for your 10 month old i would just go too the toddler one because most of the steps for the baby book are best for young infants. dr. harvey karp is the writers name.
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Old 04-09-2009, 01:19 PM   #3
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Re: AP mommas of multiple high needs "spirited" kids...

Have you read Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka?

When things are getting rough around here we get out of the house. Outside for a walk. Even just a trip to the store.

Snacks, we do a lot of snacks.

And I pretty much feel like I'm losing it most of the time.
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Old 04-09-2009, 03:28 PM   #4
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Re: AP mommas of multiple high needs "spirited" kids...



YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

So many moms experience this and I have NO DOUBT is is completely normal for your toddler / baby to defy you in your attempts. Thus is my three year old.

I was recently turned onto the book "You Cant Make Me [but I can be persuaded]." It was recommended to us by a developmental pediatrician whom we have been seeing along with a social worker for behavioral modification. What we're doing just isnt working. It worked great for our 6yo, and still does. Our 15 month old is very compliant as well. But some days, I feel like D was put in my heart to simply remind me that life just isnt a bowl-of-vanilla-yogurt-with-granola!!

It will get easier with time. You will make it thorugh this!!!
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Old 04-10-2009, 03:44 AM   #5
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Re: AP mommas of multiple high needs "spirited" kids...

well other than ((hugs))

I just have to let yall know that high needs babies do grow up

My mom was an AP mommy back when AP was not cool and didnt even really have a name yet. She didnt have many books and no internet or forums for support.
I was oppositional defiant, sat on the preacher's kids, locked my kindergarten teacher out of the classroom, held my breath until I passed out, had to be removed from Montessori school.... I could fill a book with tales of the terror that I was.
We co-slept until I was 5 at least and my mother never let us CIO. The crib, she said, made a great laundry basket.
I have 3 little sisters all with different yet still difficult personalities

Now we all have college degrees, are gainfully employed, and 2 of us are married and have our own kids now.

I love to tell people when they fuss because "I'm spoiling my child" or whatever nosy thing they say "This is how I was raised and I TURNED OUT FINE"
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:05 AM   #6
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Re: AP mommas of multiple high needs "spirited" kids...

I have one of those babies and am PG again. We are so scared that the next one will be just like him. I am also at my wits end most days. He has ONE person he likes and we pay her to watch him 4 hours a day - 4 days per week. I WAH then and LOVE every moment. She respects our AP ways (we are AP due to necessity as DS will stop breathing with CIO).

I have noticed the most high needs babies are air babies (Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius). I was high needs and am a Libra. My parents left me in my crib for hours to just cry. I looked at the birthdates to many babies who are said to be high needs on several formum and 75% are air signs. I guess we are just special people and have to grow into our gifts. I say keep trying to do your best and go with your instincts. We air babies turn out to be very loving people who strive to help the world. Nurture that and all your work will pay off in ten fold.
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Old 04-10-2009, 01:17 PM   #7
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Re: AP mommas of multiple high needs "spirited" kids...

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmie_n_angus View Post
I have one of those babies and am PG again. We are so scared that the next one will be just like him. I am also at my wits end most days. He has ONE person he likes and we pay her to watch him 4 hours a day - 4 days per week. I WAH then and LOVE every moment. She respects our AP ways (we are AP due to necessity as DS will stop breathing with CIO).

I have noticed the most high needs babies are air babies (Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius). I was high needs and am a Libra. My parents left me in my crib for hours to just cry. I looked at the birthdates to many babies who are said to be high needs on several formum and 75% are air signs. I guess we are just special people and have to grow into our gifts. I say keep trying to do your best and go with your instincts. We air babies turn out to be very loving people who strive to help the world. Nurture that and all your work will pay off in ten fold.
Huh...wouldn't ya know, DS is an Aquarius and DD is a Gemini. That's kind of interesting.
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