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Old 05-20-2006, 07:22 AM   #21
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Re: MIL Trying to contact bio father of our 4 yr old Help!!! I need advice

I don't know PA law, I only know NJ law, but I do believe it is similar to NJ law when it comes to adoptions. In NJ, you and your bf need to be married before you can terminate bio-father's rights so that he can adopt him right away. Also, make sure you have some $$ saved up for that because there is a lot of stuff to be done to adopt (my last step child adoption I handled cost them $900 in adoption agency fees and approximately $2k in attorneys fees but we were having probs locating the bio-father so that's why it was so much) but you may have to reach out to the bio-father for him to consent to the adoption. Again I'm not sure about PA, but in NJ, he could be missing for 15 years and you still need consent (how stupid is that?). I'm struggling right now for my 4 yo to be adopted by my DH (his father has been away for his whole life but of course he sends a bday card to keep contact, plus I've NEVER received cs).

I kind of agree with cancelling the big wedding because it's not worth losing all of your savings. DH and I had a small civil ceremony at the court house with our parents and his grandparents and youngest brother, then we had a big BBQ a few weeks later and had a blast

I'm so sorry you have to go through this mama


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Old 05-20-2006, 08:30 AM   #22
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Re: MIL Trying to contact bio father of our 4 yr old Help!!! I need advice

This is your wedding and you should have it as you so desire, even if it means MIL pulls funding.

The last thing you want is MIL using $$$ to make you her marionette. If I were you (and yes, walked down this path with my own MIL) I would tell her to back the hell up.

The thing with finding your childs sperm donor-Way and I mean WAAAY out of line. Its none of her damn business and it stands to hurt your child. You can take a stand and in my humble opinion-you would not be the 'bad guy'.

BF also needs to stand up to her. He is looking at adopting your child. Therefore, he needs to do whats in the best interest of the child and his future marriage. His mother running the show is the opposite.

Argh-cant stand interfering MILs. Dont they get that their lives (and ours) would be so much easier if they just played nice?

Good luck!
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Old 05-20-2006, 08:48 AM   #23
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Re: MIL Trying to contact bio father of our 4 yr old Help!!! I need advice

yes i agree to the canceling of the big wedding. the way you need to look at it at this point is "she's not going to help w/funds as she said she would, so what would be cheaper on you? would having it or not having it keep the most money in your savings". at that point she'll honestly probably all of a sudden decide she'll pay, but you REALLY don't want her having that over you. what i've found (with my mil anyhow) is that's the only time she seems to give a sh** is when we needed money in the past. when we're doing fine and don't "NEED" her is when she acts like a friggin maniac. she even went so far one time as to say that she had cancer and it was bad right.....but told everyone else that the dr gave her 3 months to live and how we wouldn't let her see her grandbabies which was such a load of crap. anyhow that was almost 3 years ago now and she's still kickin. i'm pretty sure she did have cancer again but i don't think it was ever that bad...she says she still has it but the woman is so full of lies i honestly don't believe her. you gotta figure this is the same lady that just told us that my dh's grandma was fixin to die any day and turns out grandma is healthy as a horse.

yes i agree we should open an institution for MIL's strictly, they are the craziest of the bunch!!!!!
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Old 05-20-2006, 09:59 AM   #24
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Re: MIL Trying to contact bio father of our 4 yr old Help!!! I need advice

I haven't read all of the posts, but the ones I have I would have to agree to cancel the big wedding and maybe find a small chapel to have a quiet one. My DH and I found a small chapel, and had only our kids there (at the time, we've since added DC to our numbers) oldest DD was one of our witnesses. As far as the bio dad issue, you may want start the step-parent adoption now, and then check with your state to see how long you have to be married. Here in Michigan, you have to be married at least 2 years before a step-parent can adopt. And a parent's right *cannot* be terminated if there is not another person there to step into the role. Here in MI, if you've started the process and been married the necessary amount of time, and you still haven't had contact from the bio parent in 2 years, then that's considered abandonment. All you need to do here in MI is run an ad in the local papers (and/or try to contact at bio's last known address) for the specified amount of time. I would definitely do some checking into your state's laws about step-parent adoptions. As far as the MIL, my own mother is a nut job like that. She told me that my DD's father has a right to be in her life, that my DH shouldn't adopt either child of mine (mind you, he's the father of my younger 3), but my DD's bio has only seen her once at age 6 and she's now 13! My mom has also been in cohorts with bio's mom, and being the go-between for letters and such behind my back, completely sneaky. Since my mom told me that DH shouldn't adopt, I haven't seen her in 1 1/2 years and only spoken to her once (picked up the phone before checking the caller id, ugh). The ironic thing is, her second husband adopted me when I was 2, but what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander in her opinion.
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Old 05-29-2006, 08:31 PM   #25
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Re: MIL Trying to contact bio father of our 4 yr old Help!!! I need advice

OMG! I cannot imagine.....I'm in a similar family situation and if my MIL ever did that, I would be beyond livid.

If your DH does not step up, then you should. And then, you should ban her from your family until she changes. That is unbelievable! I'm shocked for you!
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Old 05-30-2006, 12:13 AM   #26
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Re: MIL Trying to contact bio father of our 4 yr old Help!!! I need advice

So an update ... *sigh* Mil or fil didnt come to dh's graduation for his masters ... They told the whole fam they weren't invited !!! (eventhough I emailed her this info, which of course i printed out!!) This coming weekend is Ds ' 5th b-day and she told her side of the fam not to come @!!!!! Now shes attacking our 5 yr old !!! They all called us over the weekend with "Stories" of why they can't come (work, doc's appts, not feeling well, etc ) I sent the invitation out over one month ago !!! it's all such bs ... so ya I feel like if they dont show to our sons b-day that will be the last straw !! and i'm totally done with them , how do i explain this to a 4 yr old ??? wtf
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Old 05-30-2006, 01:03 AM   #27
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Re: MIL Trying to contact bio father of our 4 yr old Help!!! I need advice

I am sooooo sorry to hear about your MIL she is nuts. IMO If she wants kids to come then have them at the wedding but ask MIL to hire a few babysitters for the reception for the kids I understand what you are going through my hubby and I lost out on some money because had to cancel wedding just was'nt worth it! City court was good enough for us. So do a follow up on the save the date info and let the parents know you have hired a sitter for the evening if they would like to bring the kids to ceremony cool but reception is adult only. (make sure you get a sitter for your little ones too, to be fair )

Now as for her looking up your DC father not cool I would confront her and if she changes her password let her what else could be more horrible then what she has already done? this is not her business and she needs to grow up. What's her number I tell her whats up
Just Kidding but serious you should just tell her that your child Bio father is your business and that you would like her to mind her business. you don't have to tell her why at all.

I hope you make the right choice. Your DC's birthday? forget the party and take the ppl who are coming and have a blast you don't need to deal with MIL's crap she obviousley is a misreable person and wants to take everyone around her down.
YOU DON'T need her!

Okay sorry but I know MIL's and they need to let go and realize your DF is not a child he is a grown man he can make it with out her.

Take care
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