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Old 04-05-2009, 03:20 PM   #21
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

Originally Posted by mommabritt View Post
LONG and not related to multiples:

So, I read a lot on this forum for the advice mostly. I have three kids myself under 6 so my family isnt really all that large but I always love a new trick!!

My question is here since you ladies give wonderful advice on how to deal with strangers comments! My SIL and brother's newest son (5 mo now) is what I would call a high needs baby. Not special needs, just high needs. He is VERY dependant (what baby isnt??), wants to nurse ALL the time (he's growing...), needs reassurance throughout the night while sleeping in his crib even if he isnt hungry (just a few rubs will do...) and likes to have his momma in view at all times (*sweet*). Now, I know this can be tiring and my SIL is being patient with him but, she is LOSING it with the comments from relatives (including my parents) and other people about him just being "spoiled".

Im not naive enough to think that a baby doesnt learn quickly that a certain cry gets moms attention faster or fussing long enough in the saucer will get him held for a while but, I am very hesitant (even with my own babies) to believe that babies are THIS manipulative. A four or five year old screaming in the store for a toy everytime you make the trip?? Okay, a little spoiled maybe. But not a five month old!!!

(Sorry this is running on...) Question is: We want to come up with a quick response to the well-meaning family member or passerby who feels it is their right to comment on the "spoiledness" of her baby to shut them up quick without being rude. What can we say? My dad always tells her "He cries all the time because you never lay him down long enough to learn he can be happy. He is SPOILED!" And she just cant stand up to him. What does she say to this?? She feels rotten about it and the comments are hurtful.

My son (5 mo) is the same way (we also bedshare which helps at night). Anyway, the best line i have ever heard for this was "babies aren't a piece of meat, they can't spoil!" They can learn bad habbits but not SPOIL!
Also, look them in the eyes when you say it. When you have the "i don't care what you think" attitude in your body language, fewer people challenge you on it in my experience.


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Old 04-20-2009, 11:06 AM   #22
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

I am sorry she is having a rough time. It seems though that you are doing a good thing by standing by her side. But throuh out our mommyhood, we will get a lot of feed back, it is good to understand she should try to let them know that she is doing what she believes is best for her baby. As far as family goes, however she may want to have some kind of statement with proof so perhaps she could inform and enlighten her family, perhaps they really are ignorant and are asking albeit in a rude way, why she is doing it. Take care and understand you are not alone in your decisions there are a lot of like-minded people who are here for support.
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Old 04-20-2009, 11:17 AM   #23
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

It is not a quick quip, but I think it gets the point across without sounding rude. I imagine you want to say it in a way that they accept (and are not offeneded):

"We handle this one the way we did with the first one. This one seems to just need a little more reassurance. He is too young at this point to be spoiled. If he keeps doing this kind of stuff when he is older, we'll reconsider how we react. We are trying the best we can."
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:56 PM   #24
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

Originally Posted by BlsdMama View Post
People who have never had a truly high needs infant are ignorant. They just do not KNOW what it's like. And really, who asked them anyway? I've had eight children. I've had ONE super high needs baby. It was Elizabeth and she's now seven. She's FANTASTIC now. But, ugh, as a baby. Sigh.

*I* was one of those people who really believed that other's HN infants were just spoiled. I had two easy babies so I had it all figured out. Then we had Elizabeth. I'm a much more compassionate mama because of it.

Here's my .02 and I'm not sure it's even worth the two pennies! First, I'd just look at them with a very, "oh reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllly?" look on my face. Not rude, just looking at them like you are rude and really, is it your business. Then I think I'd say, "Hm.... Well thank you for the advice." And that's it. Because until you've had like 4-5 kids, you really do think you know it all about parenting.

I have said over and over when I had the first one, I suspected I knew it all. When I had the second (now a boy AND a girl, obviously I was an expert) I knew I knew it all. When we had Elizabeth (number four) I started to suspect I didn't know as much as I thought. And by number six I tried really hard NEVER to give advice unless specifically asked and even then it's prefaced by the "what WE do is..." or "what works for US is..."

Have I learned a lot? Sure I have. But mostly what I've really learned is that each child, despite the same parents, is totally unique. Mamas of 1 and 2 and even 3 and sometimes 4 truly believe it's their grand parenting skills that have made their little angels "perfect." Truth is it's probably that either A. Love is blind :P or B. They haven't had a needy one yet.

Do I believe there is an attained skill set that works? Absolutely. However, I think it's a serious misjudgement to think you can make perfect children and completely ignore their God given personalities. Do I believe in training? Absolutely.

Do I believe in high needs infants? Absolutely.

If they persisted, I think I would just say this:

"You are rude. I am glad it worked for you. I am doing what I do best as her mother. Thank you for your input but I have explained to you that we are doing what we believe to be best for our infant. You are free to do what you'd like to do best for yours. Please refrain from more input."

I would not say this rude, but people have ZERO concept of crossing the line, kwim? And sometimes you need to bring to their attention that they HAVE crossed a line and they are now behaving badly. And tell her, please, from one high needs baby mama to another, that all that love and energy you POUR into that little one will pay off. Elizabeth became my easiest, sweetest child by about 12-18 months. She was incredibly compliant and just very loveable. It was worth every single moment I poured into her. And, looking back, I'm so glad I didn't do it any other way.
Beautifully stated!!!!

I was also one of those parents who thought she knew it all because her first child was perfect. Then God gave me Kieran. From the time she was 24 hours old to about 15-18 months was hell. Now as a 6 year old (actually, 6.5 years old today!) she is the best. Incredibly sweet, compassionate, and smart. When she was a baby, I told myself over and over again, "These are the qualities I admire in adults." She's still very young, but I don't worry about her like I do my oldest daughter (who is very much a people-pleaser.)
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Old 05-25-2009, 10:01 PM   #25
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

I'd love to have the guts to say "I'm much less concern with him being spoiled than I am with him growing up to be a rude adult, I'd love to know what your mother did so I can do the opposite!"
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Old 06-12-2009, 11:02 PM   #26
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

My favorite line for the inevitable "Boy you've got your hands full" is

"Better full than empty" - said with a warm, genuine smile.
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Old 06-12-2009, 11:10 PM   #27
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

Babies aren't capable of being "spoiled" at such a young age. They lack the brain development to manipulate. That's a fact.
When people made comments to me like "If you hold her all the time she will be spoiled" my response was "Well, she will only be this small for a short time and I know I will miss holding her when she grows up"
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Old 06-12-2009, 11:18 PM   #28
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

she could just say, "you know, at one time i thought i knew it all too" and walk away.
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Old 06-26-2009, 08:57 AM   #29
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

A nurse told my cousin that that Peaches spoil not babies.
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Old 06-27-2009, 11:59 PM   #30
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

I'm glad to see this thread, as I'm headed to a family reunion this summer, and I wear DD all the time, and sometimes she just needs to be held. She is starting to act strange to people already, so I have no doubts she will be clingy and cry alot this summer...and someone is going to make that comment....but now I have a few things I can say!
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