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Old 08-23-2009, 09:18 PM   #1
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due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

I will be 40 weeks Wed. I have planned this 2nd homebirth, 1st waterbirth this time. I am so excited about it on one hand but on the other...so alone and scared. I love my midwife but I wanted to have someone else with me and I just have no women that I am close enough too. My mom and I have hardly a relationship. My husband is so busy and self-absorbed with so many hobbies. I craved a hug from him all day and got the kids to bed as quick as possible tonight hoping for some connection time with him but he found something extremely interesting to watch on PBS and I just watch the side of his head scarfing down a bowl of cereal. I am so hurt and I just keep wanting so badly to feel a deeper love from him right now...I mean I feel I could go into labor at any moment and I am dreading doing this alone with him. So I leave the living room and go to the bedroom to read and he gets a book out to read, knowing I am hurt...why can't he just come to me and say he is sorry. Why doesn't he want to show he cares....right now!?? How do I do this alone?

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Old 08-23-2009, 09:32 PM   #2
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Re: due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

have you tried talking to him? It sounds like you need to tell him how you feel.
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Old 08-23-2009, 10:13 PM   #3
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Re: due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

Do try to talk to him. I just had our 4th baby on Aug 4th, and I know my dh and I went through phases like this in my pregnancy. He often slept on the couch- not b/c of turmoil, just b/c he likes to watch TV and stay up late and I was so big and miserable. Sometimes it made me sad and I really wished he would come snuggle with me. However, he was the best I could ever imagine during the delivery and afterwards. I had 3 prior hospital births and this one was a (well, sort of) waterbirth at the birthing center. It was a VERY difficult, long labor and traumatic delivery with my dd going by ambulance to the NICU. My dh was awesome through all of that, even with a bit of what you are talking about in the time leading up to it.

Are there deep problems, or do you think he is just kinda off in space but truely loves and cares about you? Don't answer if that is too personal. Not sure what to tell you except I understand.
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Old 08-24-2009, 03:33 AM   #4
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Re: due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

I can't sleep, as you can see, because I am so bothered by him attitude and despondancy. (sp?.)

Marie: Thank you for responding. I have tried talking to him, that's why it hurt so bad when he just decided to start reading on continued to watch his show.

Sara: Your response comforts me and I'm so sorry you had such a hard time and that your little one is in NICU. I wish I didn't feel so dependant on him right now but how can a woman not feel this way at this time? Maybe he will come through like your dh did, but I feel cheated in a way. He really has been intolerant of me this whole pregnancy. I had a miscarriage right before this and he was not so loving about all that either. Just has seemed really unhappy and sick of me and I have been needy. I understand that might not be the best quality in a person but it is the way it is. He has friends that even tell me that they can see you can only get so close to him....only so close. I do think he loves me and cares but yes there are deep problems here and sometimes I think I can put my finger on it then others it seems he just makes excuses so that he doesn't have to be so close to me. I repsect and love that he takes providing for his family serious and loves his children but I wish we were friends...and closer.

Thank you for anyone who reads and cares...sorry to be such a big baby about this. Maybe if I had another woman that I was close enough to and that was coming to the birth, I could blow this all off right now but I was so praying for a nice quiet birth with just him and I and my mw....I just don't know how to let him into my world right now as I am so hurt.

sorry for my spelling.
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Old 08-24-2009, 06:46 AM   #5
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Re: due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

Big hugs mama. I've had similar moments with my DH through this pregnancy (especially after 7 stressful weeks on bed rest). I've found that men often withdraw into themselves when they're stressed, worried, or upset. They rarely feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings and sometimes clam up even further if we women talk about similar worries.

I would look into a doula if you can. Many doula centres can offer you a student who costs little to nothing but who can provide that loving support that you crave. Most will meet with you anywhere from 2 to a dozen times before the birth to establish a trusting relationship. That might just fill the void that you feel is there with your DH.
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Old 08-25-2009, 07:04 PM   #6
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Re: due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

Awww sorry mama! It sounds like you guys need to have an all honest heart to heart...and maybe consider some counseling together to figure out the issues that you/him or both have a hard time navigating through alone. My heart really goes out to you and I will pray for you tonight!
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Old 08-25-2009, 08:57 PM   #7
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Re: due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

you are not being a big baby - you have every right to feel this way. i would try to talk to him again. and i mean a turn off the tv, this is important talk. let him know how you just want a hug, and some love, that you are feeling vunerable and need him. hopefully he will understand. men just want to make us happy and we need to let them know what do.
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Old 08-27-2009, 10:39 PM   #8
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Re: due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

Hey mama. What a painful and lonely experience. I had similar issues in my last pregnancy. For me what helped (because something had to!) was getting a lot of extra nurturing care towards the end of my pregnancy- massage, acupuncture, and counseling. Even then though lying on the table and getting a massage I felt so lonely. My counselor helped me to explore my feelings of vulnerability and to look inward for strength and support. It was really hard, but I had to let go of the idea of him being my primary support person.
We were planning an HBAC and I kept thinking "How can I do this when we aren't even connected at all!" The most important part was talking to my baby about how much work we had to do together, and that it was the baby and I, not the midwife, and not my husband, who needed to be strong and make the birth all it was supposed to be.
I was able to find the strength and comfort to have the home delivery I had always wanted, and made peace with our relationship not being perfect, and choosing my battles: "I cannot make my husband be close to me right now. Maybe later. Maybe not. But I have another more important job to do right now, so lets get to work." It is so hard because in pregnancy you need so much care, and to let that go is really hard. I was very lonely. I'm so sorry! Please pm me if you have any questions or want to chat
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:35 PM   #9
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Re: due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

My heart goes out to you, mama!! I have been feeling very alone and abandoned, too. I just joined this forum yesterday and when I was browsing and came upon your post, I almost started crying when I read it. I am 39 weeks, my due date is Sept. 9th. My baby's father (x-BF) and I were close during the first 3 months or so of my pregnancy, and then he just... left, in every way that really counts right now. He turned into a different person, distant, mean. He has still been splitting medical bills with me, but I didn't want his money... just his love and support, even if we weren't together anymore. I wanted so badly for him to be my support person but I had to come to terms with the fact that it was just not going to happen. And.. on top of that.. I usually AM close to my mom, but lately she has been very hard to talk to. I am sometimes feeling like I am just barely keeping my head above water, but I know I can do this, and so can you!

If you need anyone to talk to, pm me.. I know you are hurting very much right now, but you are strong and just have to remember that. I have to remind myself of that on a daily basis too lol

Have you ever tried accupuncture?? I agree with sistermama on this one. If you have not tried it, I would highly recommend it... Yes, it is safe during the last trimester (and don't let Kaiser or any other health provider tell you otherwise! Any knowledgeable practitioner will know what points are counter-indicated during pregnancy, just like any knowledgeable pharmacist will know what drugs and supplements are ok and which ones are not!!), and while breastfeeding. It has done **WONDERS** for helping me to relax and cope with my stress. It helped with the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome too lol but the biggest help has been in helping me to stop stressing as much so I can focus and find ways to make myself happier.

Ok, I'm done with my long response Just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone, and that I can already see that his forum is full of many wonderful people who are sending you love and good energy!
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:42 PM   #10
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Re: due anytime now and not feeling love from my dh...feeling so alone

I can also relate to that feeling of 'he knows how i feel, so why doesn't he just...?' It's very painful and frustrating to be feeling that way and my heart goes out to you, mama.
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