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Old 10-08-2009, 01:14 PM   #11
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Re: ds got in his first fight at school

I am glad the principal saw it all unfold, it is easier for parents to know what happen when someone else is a witness. write down what you want to explain and the info you want to tell him, put down everything you think and want him to know, what is ok and what is not ok, so when he does come home you will know what to say and do calmly and won't confuse him or forget anything and get jumbled trying to lay everything out.

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Old 10-08-2009, 01:41 PM   #12
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Re: ds got in his first fight at school

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ITA, but what if the kid is on top of your kid or has them cornered or something? then is it ok to hit/push/shove to get away? i think it is, but some people (and the school) would consider that fighting, kwim?

i don't think you're raising a coward, by teach your kiddo that, i think the cowardly thing to do would to lay there and take it
sure. I get what you're saying and **think** we are on the same page. I guess my point was that it seems as if defensive fighting is always viewed as okay by us parents but if there is alternative to get an authority figure, that it should be the top choice. It just seems overlooked alot.
Like your son was on the playground at recess. There had to be others around. Did he get shoved to the ground or just smacked in the face? Instead of hitting back(assuming he was still upright or mobile), he could have said "Dude, I am not giving you the ball just because you hit me! Now I'm going to get help." Run & tell an adult.
Or the another example of a child using bad language or derogatory terms to another youth. Like a verbal "Dude, what is your problem? Don't you know what your saying isn't cool?" Go get help. Why do we have to get physical first?
Look, I just recently got involved in someone else's domestic violence dispute. Guy was roughing up his girlfriend and I saw it. I followed them down our street and when he pushed her to the ground, I ran up and yelled to him "Leave her alone, you a$$! You touch her again, I'm calling the cops!" I walked with her home and called the police & reported what happened. I'd do the same again. But next time I'm using my phone to get video proof. She denied it happened. And yes, I would have physically fought with him had it become necessary. But I would have tried to call the cops first. I believe you should try to get help as the top priority.
I am not saying you should be a victim. Although plenty of survivors of crimes survive BECAUSE they didn't fight back. So it has a place as well.
I guess maybe a checklist of this after this after this as the steps you take mentally in any situation.
Anyway, that is what we have expressed to our son. Get involved, but be smart about it.
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Old 10-08-2009, 02:00 PM   #13
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Re: ds got in his first fight at school

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Originally Posted by nakedbabytoes View Post
sure. I get what you're saying and **think** we are on the same page. I guess my point was that it seems as if defensive fighting is always viewed as okay by us parents but if there is alternative to get an authority figure, that it should be the top choice. It just seems overlooked alot.
Like your son was on the playground at recess. There had to be others around. Did he get shoved to the ground or just smacked in the face? Instead of hitting back(assuming he was still upright or mobile), he could have said "Dude, I am not giving you the ball just because you hit me! Now I'm going to get help." Run & tell an adult.
Or the another example of a child using bad language or derogatory terms to another youth. Like a verbal "Dude, what is your problem? Don't you know what your saying isn't cool?" Go get help. Why do we have to get physical first?
Look, I just recently got involved in someone else's domestic violence dispute. Guy was roughing up his girlfriend and I saw it. I followed them down our street and when he pushed her to the ground, I ran up and yelled to him "Leave her alone, you a$$! You touch her again, I'm calling the cops!" I walked with her home and called the police & reported what happened. I'd do the same again. But next time I'm using my phone to get video proof. She denied it happened. And yes, I would have physically fought with him had it become necessary. But I would have tried to call the cops first. I believe you should try to get help as the top priority.
I am not saying you should be a victim. Although plenty of survivors of crimes survive BECAUSE they didn't fight back. So it has a place as well.
I guess maybe a checklist of this after this after this as the steps you take mentally in any situation.
Anyway, that is what we have expressed to our son. Get involved, but be smart about it.
i think logically we're on the same page, but emotionally i would want ds to stand up to that kid and show him that he's not one to be pushed around so hopefully he won't think he can take advantage of ds and get what he wants next time i'm really really torn on the situation honestly, i don't want him to be one of those kids who runs and tattles, you know the ones you see in movies being held up to the lockers by their collars and the bullies are say 'yeah, who are you gonna tattle to now, wimp?' but at the same time i don't want to imply that physical violence is the answer, kwim?

he got in trouble before because he pushed a kid on the playground and ds said it was because the kid was being rude (running away and saying he didn't want to play with him, or something to that effect) so we decided that the best thing to do is respond with 'you don't know what you're talking about' and then just walk away. that way he feels like he stood up for himself, but at the same time he's not saying anything rude (like 'shutup' or calling names) and it avoids getting physical. i just don't see how after getting smacked in the face he's just supposed to say something and walk away i know i couldn't do it and i've never been in a single fight in my entire life (except with my sisters, but that doesn't count )

i think i might use the police as an example and explain to him that if someone were to come up and try to hurt me or take something from me, the first thing i'm going to do is call the police but then i will protect myself until help comes. i think that would make sense and be easy for him to understand...
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Old 10-08-2009, 03:11 PM   #14
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Re: ds got in his first fight at school

I didn't read all the replies but I just wanted to say, I was bullied in school and until I started fighting back they didn't leave me alone and it kept getting worse. As much as we teach our children that hitting is not ok, reality is that in this world if you don't fight back you get picked on.
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Old 10-08-2009, 03:25 PM   #15
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Re: ds got in his first fight at school

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I didn't read all the replies but I just wanted to say, I was bullied in school and until I started fighting back they didn't leave me alone and it kept getting worse. As much as we teach our children that hitting is not ok, reality is that in this world if you don't fight back you get picked on.
that's what i'm afraid of for ds
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Old 10-08-2009, 03:45 PM   #16
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Re: ds got in his first fight at school

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I know this dad that has 3 boys and he is a REALLY good dad. He always tells his son to never start a fight....but to defend themselves AND realize that from the school's viewpoint, they will be getting in trouble for defending themselves. One time some little boy called a little girl a dirty word and then one of his son's told the boy to stop and a fight started. Well the guy made his son take the punishment from the school but he didn't get punished at home.....because he was defending someone else and he used his words first and THEN the fight started.
This is our stance, too. Do not start a fight, but you have our permission to end it. (And yes, that applies if they are defending someone else who was attacked) They have to take the school's punishment, but at home, they'll get a pat on the back and a hug
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