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Old 02-27-2010, 04:33 AM   #1
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what would you do? discipline?

Since dd is homeschooled she goes to the home of a friend of the family for Girl Scouts. They live in another city, but the friend works just blocks away. So dd has been going there on Thursday afternoon, staying the night and coming home Friday morning. I don't particularly like the family this friend loves with (the other girl scout leader, her dh and 2 kids) but since she is with "M" I tolerate it.

Thursday night at 9:30pm dd came home. "M" brought her. Apparently the daughter of the family "A" has a facebook acoount (she's 8, my dd is soon to be 11) "A" logged onto her facebook, which she knows she isn't supposed to be on without mom or dad and told my dd to type in the facebook chat to this other girl she is an "ugly fat b!tch". And my daughter did it. That girls parents called "A's" family. A's dad came upstairs and was from what my dd said threatening to beat his daughter with a belt. He whipped his belt off and broke a lamp, which caused my dd to scream and cry. "M" came running and put my dd in the car to bring her home. A's dad chased the car into the driveway and told "M" to be sure and tell me that it was partially my daughters fault. ( that family has told me since they decided taking away A's computer was better than a spanking.)

So at 9:30 or 10pm after I heard all this I talked to my daughter. She was very frightened. She says she told A she didn't want to type that, and A told her that her and this girl do that all the time. I'm not even sure dd realizes there was an actual person on the end of that message. DD wants a facebook account, but I haven't given her one because you are supposed to be 14 to have one. (her bio dad and I discussed it and he thinks it would be an easy way for him to keep up with the kids. We had decided if we did that the kids wouldn't have the password,a nd that I would have to be right there for them to use it.)

I told her how much that it was wrong to even use that word, and that she hurt the feelings of a girl she doesn't even know, and can't apologize to. And then we talked about why it was wrong and what should have been done.

And then I discussed with "M" how I felt about the issue after my dd went to bed. I said I felt better parenting on A's parents part could have completely avoided this. An 8 yr old does not need facebook. And IF she has it, shouldn't have the pass word. "M" said the issue isn't that A had facebook, because she does and the damage is done. Their family's standpoint is my dd is older, she should have known better. My point is that my dd wants facebook, thought it was cool, doesn't have many close friends she's allowed to stay overnight with. I think she would have done anything to please A.

Tomorrow night there's a daddy daughter Girl Scout dance. I think that A's family will want to know how I punished my child. And I honestly think she's been through enough. She witnessed violence, got scared, and then was chased out to the car, had to come home when she should have been in bed and tell me what she did wrong, and endure me talking with her for another hour about it. I think thats enough.

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Old 02-27-2010, 05:13 AM   #2
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Re: what would you do? discipline?

To me it sounds like she has been "punished " enough also- I think at her age (My daughter will be 11 in a couple days) talking about things like this usually works better- the other girl was in the wrong to be going against her parents by being on there to begin with. It sounds like the younger girl knows very well what she's doing- by telling your DD to type the bad words she probably was thinking she could blame it all on her and not get into trouble when her parents logged on and saw it.

I say let it go, and if the other parents want to know how you punished your DD, I would tell them it was dealt with- they don't need spacifics- it is none of theri business how you choose to discipline! I also would not be associating with them any longer- I'm sorry but that is a bad place, your daughter should not have had towitness that kind of violence.

My DD has facebook, she has the password, and goes on it by herself, but I regularily monitor it, and she is never on it without me nearby. I also read all her emails, etc- she has no expectation of privacy, and we set up rules before hand about what was expected of her and what the consequences would be if she broke any of them.
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Old 02-27-2010, 08:19 AM   #3
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Re: what would you do? discipline?

I agree with she shouldn't be there any more. I had a run in with A's mom and "M" the saturday before, and as it was adult business I decided not to let it affect my child. Plus, hubby begged me to let her go. But I don't think she should go again.
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Old 02-27-2010, 10:09 AM   #4
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Re: what would you do? discipline?

I would not allow my daughter to this home again. Obviously the dad was not in control of himself...breaking stuff, taking out a belt, chasing a vehicle??!! I hope you are not letting your daughter continue to be over at their house. There has got to be other activities she could be involved in without sending her to a home like this once a week. You are right, she has seen enough ......and doesn't need to see anything like that again.
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Old 02-27-2010, 10:12 AM   #5
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Re: what would you do? discipline?

Holy moly. That would be my daughter's last trip to that family's house. Too much is not right there. One of the reasons we home school is to make sure the environment is safe at all levels: emotional, spiritual and physical.
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Old 02-27-2010, 10:44 AM   #6
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Re: what would you do? discipline?

She witnessed enough to realize that her action was wrong. I would not allow her back to that house, nor would I give any specifics to that family how your daughter was disciplined. It's no one else's business.
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Old 02-27-2010, 04:10 PM   #7
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Re: what would you do? discipline?

My daughter and her stepdad are at the daddy daughter dance sponsored by their Girl Scout troop. I felt ok with her going to that since dad is there. Last Saturday when we had problems with them, I said I didn't want her to go. Because DH talked to me about it I decided it was a one time fluke. Now I'm entirely sure she shouldn't be there. I told him today if they ask how we punished her to just say we dealt with it.
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Old 02-27-2010, 10:37 PM   #8
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Re: what would you do? discipline?

I don't think your daughter needs any additional punishment. I do think that if she has requested a FB account that she knows the purpose of FB and that she was fully aware that there was an actual person at the other end of the message though. Also if you feel that she is that likely to give in to peer pressure then you need to be extra vigilant about who she is spending time with. I definately wouldn't allow her back to that house.
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