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Old 10-18-2010, 07:51 PM   #1
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Join Date: May 2008
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My Mood:
Still feeling guilty

I know I have nothing to feel guilty about, but I still feel badly that my baby had to be in the NICU. My twins were 36wks, average for twins, not even really early. My first set of twins were 35wks and one of them was in the NICU for 14hrs. That was it. It didn't even really count. This time, I had tons of pre-term labor issues was on strict home bedrest and hospital bedrest. I was dilated to 3cms at 31wks and was dilated to 5cms by 34wks. I battled having full on contractions every 10 minutes or more almost all the time for over a month. I was borderline pre-e and did end up with it. Somehow, I still managed to hold on till my goal of 36wks. I feel like it didn't even matter. One of my twin boys still ended up in the NICU for 11 days with breathing and heart issues. The other had no issues at all. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about at all. I did the best I could and really, I did outstanding considering everything I went through.

My boys are 6 months old. Still, for some reason, I randomly get waves of guilt. I find myself talking to him and saying things like, "I'm sorry I didn't keep you in long enough." "I'm sorry you had to stay there and you couldn't nurse with your brother." "I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you more." I had another newborn (who wasn't allowed in the NICU!) plus 27 month old twins and a 4.5 year old. I just couldn't be there like I wanted to. I did pump for him and I went 2x's a day or more if I could. But, I wasn't able to stay there for hours or get there when it time to feed him. He only nursed a couple times over those 11 days. He nurses now, but he isn't nearly as good at it as his brother and he is banned from bottles because he definitely prefers the instant gratification of it. Anyway, I don't know why, but I just feel like I let him down. I know that's not right, but I can't help it. Plus, it was only 11 days. I know many babies are there much longer.

Does anyone else feel this way? Anyone know how long it will last? I hope I can shake this soon.

ETA - I don't feel this way all the time. It's just random. I'll be holding him and suddenly saying these things.
Heather SAHM to 6 who are 7 and under, including 2 sets of twins and our last little miracle, a surviving identical twin, born Oct 2012!
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