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Old 08-21-2013, 05:23 PM   #1
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Need Ideas on Visitation Arrangement

I need some ideas deciding on how I want to have a visitation agreement with my ex.

Ideally I would like my daughter to have a relationship with her dad. I firmly believe a daughter needs a dad. My dad and I have a very poor relationship and I definitely have suffered because of it.

To both my ex and I it was obvious we were bound to break up. Pretty much we had agreed that I would go to school and be a SAHM until I finished my degree and then he would take a risky move with his career, when we could afford it. He made a decision on his own to quit his job and move to the risky one 1 week after I had our daughter. Needless to say this was too much strain on the relationship. Long story short he kicked me first because "he wanted to live a different lifestyle, than what we could afford" then because he "wanted me to be successful for myself". Now he says it was because "hes not ready to be in a relationship". Either way it shows how unreliable he is.
Its been over a month and half since all of this has happened and he has seen his daughter one, pretty much because I said something that made him feel guilty. But honestly I think if I didn't ask for him to see her. I don't think he would.

When we were together he was all types of abusive. Emotionally, financially, physically. I'm afraid he will do this to our daughter when they visit. He always instilled in me that I was valued less as a woman and I don't want her to think that, that is how it is. Or who she is.
He has a son that is not mine. And I don't like how he is raised, at all. He feeds him fast food sometimes more than 3 times a day. He doesn't teach him anything, no numbers, letters, etc. He pretty much makes(yes makes) him watch tv all day long. It is so sad. I have come home from school leaving around 8 and getting home around 12 or 1 and my daughter would still be in the same diaper I left her with and his son hadn't eaten anything but candy and he was asleep on the couch or on his phone.

Help! I don't want this for my daughter but I want her to have a good relationship with her dad. I just don't trust him to fulfill basic parenting with her.

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Old 08-21-2013, 11:51 PM   #2
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Re: Need Ideas on Visitation Arrangement

I think the relationship you want for her simply can't happen with the man that is her bio dad. Maybe in the future there will be a man who can fulfill that father part of the relationship, but an abusive one isn't it. IMO, your daughter is better without that relationship right now.
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Old 08-22-2013, 05:58 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by MsGiggles
I think the relationship you want for her simply can't happen with the man that is her bio dad. Maybe in the future there will be a man who can fulfill that father part of the relationship, but an abusive one isn't it. IMO, your daughter is better without that relationship right now.
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This. You will thank yourself later, and so will your daughter.
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Old 08-25-2013, 02:31 AM   #4
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Re: Need Ideas on Visitation Arrangement

I totally agree. Be thankful he isn't interested. My abusive ex decided to keep his control over me post divorce by being super controlling about the kids. It was awful for years! I would have given anything for him to be a deadbeat and leave us alone. He finally lost his visitation 3 years ago when we found evidence of physical abuse (the emotional abuse had been happening for years but it harder to prove) and CPS investigated him and recommended supervised visits. He couldn't handle that and saw the kids twice then pretty much vanished. I am really grateful he is out of our lives.

If you are going through a court divorce, you are going to have to have a visitation arrangement barring him being unfit. You can bring up your concerns, but IME courts are pretty blind to everything but cold hard evidence. Do you police reports? Pics of things he trashed in a fit of fury? Those are the things that will sway a judge to order supervised visits or limited contact. Since your daughter is an infant, and her dad has had little contact with her you could probably request supervised daytime visits once a week and request that he pay for them. This will give you two benefits - one, she will be safe and two, he probably won't do them because they are inconvenient. Avoid long weekends or overnights. At the very minimum, you can request that he attend a parenting class (be advised that they will make you take one too, tit for tat) but maybe that could help his behavior be more appropriate when/if he does exercise visitation.
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Old 08-30-2013, 06:52 PM   #5
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Re: Need Ideas on Visitation Arrangement

Having a dad in your life and having an abusive dad in your life are two very different things. Be glad he's not showing interest and find a relationship that is healthy.
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Old 08-30-2013, 09:04 PM   #6
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Re: Need Ideas on Visitation Arrangement

@ Silver)O(Moon
I just saw your reply, I am not married to him. Our child is out of wedlock. Things have progressed lately and I think he might give up on trying to see her. It breaks my heart. I wish I could have seen this coming.
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Old 08-30-2013, 09:04 PM   #7
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Re: Need Ideas on Visitation Arrangement

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris10 View Post
Having a dad in your life and having an abusive dad in your life are two very different things. Be glad he's not showing interest and find a relationship that is healthy.
In my head I know this is the truth.
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Old 08-31-2013, 03:45 AM   #8
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Re: Need Ideas on Visitation Arrangement

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsGiggles View Post
I think the relationship you want for her simply can't happen with the man that is her bio dad. Maybe in the future there will be a man who can fulfill that father part of the relationship, but an abusive one isn't it. IMO, your daughter is better without that relationship right now.
mama

I agree! Trust me your child does not need to be around an abusive father. It will frustrate you to no end and she will be hurt in the long run.

I would try and step back and look at the big picture. Does your DD have an uncle, family friend, etc that can be a male role model?
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Old 08-31-2013, 04:01 AM   #9
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Re: Need Ideas on Visitation Arrangement

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsGiggles View Post
I think the relationship you want for her simply can't happen with the man that is her bio dad. Maybe in the future there will be a man who can fulfill that father part of the relationship, but an abusive one isn't it. IMO, your daughter is better without that relationship right now.
mama
agree to this.

my ex wasn't like yours exactly...mine just didn't/wouldn't hold down a job for more than a year and there was no way that i was going to leave my daughter with that and he spent for instance $ on a ps2 or 3 at the time I was pregnant instead of baby... blamed baby for him and I not to be together and it seems to get back at me got another pregnant and left her.

After things that happened with my ex and his family there wasn't a way that I was going to leave my girl with them for some personally reasons that only few know about in regards to ex and his dad.

His parents smoke all the time too...

I put in paternity as we weren't married that he had to pay for visitation because of things that happened. hugs that you are going through this.

I would get dps I think it is on him for the other kid let alone yours....
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Old 09-01-2013, 03:49 PM   #10
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Hopefully you will find good men in her life to role model what a dad/husband should be. Could be family or a friends dad. It's such a hard situation
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