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Old 10-18-2009, 09:59 AM   #1
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Very Long,Very Hurt rant!UPDATED

So the worst happened....my SIL saw this thread and found out what I thought......Then, the BEST thing happened in that we talked it out....and I found out that she didn't know how hard I had struggled.....and I made the mistake of calling her names thinking she didn't care,when the truth was if I had told her what was going on, I would have had a shoulder to cry on. After apologizing, we both were able to see how hurtful the entire situation was, and maybe can put this behind us...Ladies, learn from my mistake- TALK before posting about something that hurts you.....so that it won't continue to hurt you in the long run!!!!







I had A LOT of issues trying to breastfeed, to the point I was eating fenugreek and drinking Mother's Milk Tea every 30 minutes, pumping every 30 minutes, etc...until I finally HAD to switch my son to formula. I have never felt so defeated and hurt in my life at that point. I was just getting to the point of getting over this dissapointment when I found out this morning that my SIL (who is the poster child for breastfeeding and nothing but) said that I "gave up completely even though she tried to encourage me to continue supplementing"...blah blah blah...GAVE UP? I totally feel like I have been slapped in the face. It hurts the worst of all because I consider her one of my best friends, not just a relative...and I thought she understood how hard I tried and how devasted I was. I found out accidentaly, I was not "supposed" to see what she had written, so I don't know in the world I could bring it up to her that I know what she feels..... But to hear her talk about it, it was like I tried it once or twice and was like, "Oh Well" and switched to formula. This is a very touchy subject for me, just like the fact that I had to have a C-Section and could not have my son naturally. I just don't even know what to say to her the next time I see her....I am that hurt. Am I over reacting? It is like she is so smug that she had her child vaginally, and that she had NO problems BF... She is pregnant again, and so confident that this would NEVER happen to her... and I only wonder how she would react if something happened to where she could not BF this child....Before I had my son, I was ADAMANT that I would never let him have formula...that all women could breastfeed if they really wanted to....yada yada...and I was quickly shown how arrogance feels when you have to eat every word you said and do EXACTLY what you swore you would never do....

I am soo sorry to get on here and vent like that, but I just wondered if any of you mamas have had to deal with this, from your own friends who to your face support you...and how in the world you deal with it afterwards?

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Last edited by HillbillyMama; 10-26-2009 at 06:32 PM. Reason: updating
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Old 10-18-2009, 10:05 AM   #2
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Re: Very Long,Very Hurt rant!

You are not overreacting and need to talk to her and tell her how you feel.
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Old 10-18-2009, 11:07 AM   #3
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Re: Very Long,Very Hurt rant!

mama. I just lost my 3rd battle to breastfeed, and I would lose it if someone said I didn't "try". You did your best, and you're a good mama!
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Old 10-18-2009, 11:09 AM   #4
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Re: Very Long,Very Hurt rant!

A few years ago I was the smug one. WHY are all these women giving up so easily. If I can do it, anyone can do it, blah blah blah.

Then it happened to me. Wow.

I agree with the PP, try talking to her. She might not get it, though. It's one of those things, that when it comes easy it's hard to imagine anything else.

Hugs, mama, it sounds like you are doing a great job!
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Old 10-18-2009, 12:21 PM   #5
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Re: Very Long,Very Hurt rant!

You need to let her know how hurt you are. The personal guilt surrounding failed breastfeeding is hard enough.. I STILL struggle with it surrounding my 1st and 3rd children and its very difficult. If someone told me I didnt try I'd lose it.
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Old 10-18-2009, 02:56 PM   #6
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Re: Very Long,Very Hurt rant!

Hugs, mama. I'm sorry things did not go as planned. Please don't feel guilty, be gentle with yourself. You gave it everything you had, and much more than many mamas do. You are a good mother, and the manner in which you nourish your baby does not change that.

As for your SIL, I think I might try to gently broach the topic with her, if only to share how hurt you were by such a careless attitude towards something so important to you. You never know, that careless attitude may be covering her own mama guilt at not sticking it out. Maybe not, but you never know. Even if she is glad about her decision, you still know that YOU have done everything possible to provide the very best for your child. And you know that every drop of BM is priceless to your baby, so whatever your baby received from you is wonderful.
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Old 10-18-2009, 04:43 PM   #7
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Re: Very Long,Very Hurt rant!

Thanks Mamas....I don't know HOW I am going to bring it up, because she wrote it with the understanding that I would probably never see it...I stumbled across it doing a search on a website we both use...When I talked to my husband about it this afternoon, he said, and I quote," I knew that was how she felt about you with it....You didn't catch onto that?" I told him that I had tried all I could, and obviously he nor she saw that...Real easy for both considering they neither one was pumping like mad and crying all the time because only 1 oz. of milk total would be accumulated for the entire day *sigh* And you know the worst part of it? It has completely soured me on EVER breastfeeding any other children I might have....I despise even the thought of it, after the horrible time that I had with my son. It makes me want to have a supply of Similac in my overnight bag when I head to the hospital...It has affected me that bad. I hope I get over it, I swear I do, but right now it's like a fresh wound...Let's hope the scar tissue grows over and gets a lot tougher before my next pregnancy!
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Old 10-18-2009, 07:40 PM   #8
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Re: Very Long,Very Hurt rant!

I know how you feel with the trying and not succeeding. I was also one of those "those nurses better not even try to give us formula samples" type of mommies-to-be as well! I did the fenugreek/pumping/bottle feeding anyway cycle for about 3 weeks as well before realising that it was either keep waiting in vain for my milk to come in or save my sanity and just bottle feed happily. I would flip if anyone said something like that about what I went through. Add me to the chorus of those who think that you SHOULD discuss this with her. People need to realise that they should "speak" on the internet assuming that the one person who shouldn't see it WILL.
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Old 10-18-2009, 09:34 PM   #9
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Re: Very Long,Very Hurt rant!

I am so sorry you are having to deal with that mama. I had a similar thing happen to me too. I also did not succeed with breastfeeding and I felt so hurt when my mother-in-law called me a liar. She told me that I didn't try enough and that I was lazy! She even went as far as to putting her breast to my baby to see if he would latch on but he didn't want to with her either.
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Old 10-18-2009, 09:54 PM   #10
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Re: Very Long,Very Hurt rant!

We share the same story, c-section and all.

I thought I did everything right and would have the perfect vaginal birth (homebirth) and extended breastfeeding relationship. I judged those who chose interventions and formula. And then I had to eat all those words. But I'm 20 months out and this has been my experience:

My hormones were crazy from losing my breastmilk (it took at least 1 year postpartum to feel normal again), add in a bit of undiagnosed PPD, physical recovery from c-section *and* difficulty with breastfeeding, as well as emotional/psyche healing...

I vowed to avoid *everyone* which means those who told me I was crazy for wanting a homebirth and to bf, were avoided with politely worded emailed replies of, "I'm swamped and appreciate your thoughts; I will get in touch with you when the healing commences."

I had one friend who was very vocal on me not homebirthing/bfing; she planned her c-section and didn't plan her beautiful easy bfing, weaning early 'because 6 months is enough!' The phrase she said every time we spoke, which I've come to despise, is, "Well, everybody's different!" I fought her doubts throughout my pregnancy, then ate word for word after...

I'm 20 months out and there are moments, only moments, when I feel the need to call her up and tell her just how hurt I am that she couldn't support me during my first pregnancy (perhaps my only; while she was pregnant with her second), and that I could 'feel' her arrogance, her smugness, her judgement for all my plans that didn't work out, but I take a breath and the moment ends. Because in the end, I know I did everything I could aiming for the birth and bfing that I wanted.

My suggestion would be to wait to discuss this with your sil. Let your heart, body and soul heal first, for you and for your family. I'd think talking to your dh, if you feel he doesn't understand how broken your heart is from not being able to do what you understood all women's body's were able to do, first would be healing. You need his support and understanding (at least I did). Be angry with bfing, with birthing, with your body, run over and over in your head what you 'could have done differently' learning that in fact, you're a bada$$ for doing what you did, for going through what you had to go through and getting kicked out the other side a stronger, gentler and more understanding woman. And then have a talk with your sil. Your approach will fit just right when the time is just right. When your heart is ready, when it's not angry or (as) fragile, when the words come to you naturally.

I think I'm a slow healer, but at 20 months, I'm still not quite ready to have that talk with my friend. And that's okay. Perhaps it will happen someday. In the meantime, I will be an awesome mother, wife and friend. Because even if the talk happens, she may not 'get it' anyway.

The internet aspect does add something special, doesn't it? I didn't have the public discussion board issue but for the moment, you might just mention what discussion boards you've found helpful, especially searching for specific topics and reading voraciously. It could humble her a bit for now, it could open up a can of worms you may not be ready to calmly and gently discuss.

It sounds like you're hurt and angry right now, it just may not be the right time for you to say and for you to hear what she has to say, good or bad. My hormones made me jump to some strange conclusions, even my dh thought I was nuts (but still loved me through it!).

Be kind to yourself, Mama.
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