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Old 03-20-2007, 11:58 AM   #1
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Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!**UPDATE** in post #59 3/28

I don't mean to offend anyone by starting this, but aside from DH, I don't have anyone to get opinions from.

I found out last week that a cousin of mine was molested. And, it was by my brother. I was told by an aunt of mine, and I am very sick over this whole thing. My mom has not told me, and told my aunt not to tell me because it wasn't her place. Well, it has been almost a week since I have found out and my mom still hasn't told me. My aunt says she had to tell me because I have little girls, and she was afraid for them.

A little background, I was molested as a little girl by 2 of my uncles. So were both of my sisters. So, when I found this out immediately, I started vomiting and crying hysterically. This really hits close to home. I feel for my cousin. Apparently, it has been reported, but for some reason he isn't in jail. I guess it happened over a year ago, and he would have been a minor.

My aunt said don't tell anyone until your mom tells you. Well, I wasn't going to wait, I have a sister with a little girl, and I am her God Mother and I don't want her to be put in harms way. I told her, and she had the same reaction, she started vomiting and crying uncontrollably. I never thought my little brother could do this.

I grew up in a very abusive home. Physically, mentally, sexually, and verbally. My children only see my mom maybe once or twice a year, and not at her house. We live over an hour away from her.

Am I wrong to cut off all ties from my family? My mom never reported my uncles molesting me. And, now its too late. I hate her so much for this. I really have no reason to have any contact with her. She told my aunt that she will do anything to protect her son. She is very sick in my opinion. I am just so lost. I feel like a little girl scared all over again.

I am in my office sitting here crying. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel physically sick. Am I wrong? Thank you so much for listening. I am very ashamed about this, but I can't keep it in anymore I feel like I will explode. This has taken a lot for me to write this so please don't flame me.

If you made it this far, Thank you,

Nikki
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Last edited by football_cheer_mom; 03-28-2007 at 12:53 PM.
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Old 03-20-2007, 12:01 PM   #2
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Re: Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!

You should not feel ashamed. This was not your fault.

I'll be back to post more. Just wanted to get that in.
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Old 03-20-2007, 12:04 PM   #3
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Re: Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!

Wow, Nikki,

I can't begin to give advice, but you should do what feels right in your heart. If you cut off ties, you might regret it later, you might thank your lucky stars, I don't know. I ws never close with either of my Grandmothers, so I know it's not a huge loss to grow up without them. If you feel your family is safer without your extended family - then by all means, do what is right for you. Honestly, I dont' talk to but 2 or 3 of the very large family on my mother's side and she speaks to none of them b/c of the serious level of drug & alcohol abuse- and my sister doesn't talk to any of them at all. So, IMO, if you wanna cut of ties, I would, at least for now.


And ditto- there is NOTHING to be ashamed of in this situation but I understand where that feeling is coming from...
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Old 03-20-2007, 12:07 PM   #4
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Re: Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!

I really don't know what to say besides I am very very sorry you are going though this. to you and your sisters. I say you should do whatever you have to do to keep you and your children safe.
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Old 03-20-2007, 12:11 PM   #5
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Re: Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!

There is no reason that you should get flamed...I don't have any suggestions at all...but I didn't want to say nothing.

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Old 03-20-2007, 12:13 PM   #6
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Re: Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!

No shame, mama! I would cut the ties that bind. I was molested and that person will never ever be in the same room as my dd. Some other relatives did know and a lot of kids were hurt because no one spoke up. Things like this permanently damage families, that's just what happens. Some people will forgive and forget. I will not. You have to do what's right for you.

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Old 03-20-2007, 12:25 PM   #7
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Re: Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!

I would definatley confront my Mom about this. There are always 2 stories and make sure you hear what she has to say. On the other hand she clearly doesn't realize what a huge thing this is because she didn't report your uncles. If don't feel safe with them you might have to "cut off all ties" just so you know your babies are safe from this hurt. It's possible that your brother was also molested at some point as this is often a behaviour that is perpetuated by those who were initially victims and/or observers of such offenses. I wouldn't under any circumstances leave any children unattended with anyone who has been a molester or anyone who doesn't believe molesters should be prosecuted. Confront your Mom if she doesn't talk to you soon and then decide with your DH how your girls are safest if that means completely cutting off your family then that's what you have to do to keep your babies safe. It's a very hurtful situation and definately hard to see through the tears I'm sure but I'm sure your inner lioness (This is what DH calls the protective mama in me) will guide you to the right decision for you and your family. I'll be keeping your and your family in my prayers.
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Old 03-20-2007, 12:16 PM   #8
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Re: Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!

nikki im so very sorry
dont feel its your fault
and YES you should cut ties with your family, your mom is as weak and as mean as your uncles for NEVER reporting it. she should have you never did anything wrong.
pst: a good book to read: bad childhood , good life from dr laura schlessinger. ( it hink i mess up her last name girl sorry ) its a great book~!!! please do read it and major to you
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Old 03-20-2007, 12:43 PM   #9
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Re: Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!

My so-called-father (he is my 'birth' father- but nothing more than that b/c he is dead as far as i'm concerned) sexually molested and abused me from a ver, very young age-- I'm talking under 2 years old here- And I have tried MANY MANY times to have a relationship with him- BUT he REFUSES to seek help of any kind. Or even admit he is wrong, or made a mistake! And as an adult, there is no way I can have a healful relationship with ANYONE- let alone my own father, if they can't even admit to making mistakes!
I had attempted to have a relationship with him in my adult life several times, the last being before I got pregnant with my now 16 month old son... But shortly after finding out I was pregnant, I became sickened to my core about how could anyone hurt a child in that way?!? I just couldn't bear the thought of someone harming the little being inside of me! Let alone my own family! So, I stopped talking to him for the final time.... Once he finally realized I wasn't speaking with him anymore, he never called or wrote again-- But, I feel better now knowing my sweet, son won't ever be harmed by him... Because NO ONE can change you if you don't want to change yourself! And from here on out, it is about me and MY family's wellbeing- And I continue to work on letting go of him, and my past....
I am there witrh you- and please, please let me know if you need someone to talk to! Or any more advice about what has helped me to let go.... Much, much love to you mama... Please take care of yourself... Sarah Lena
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Old 03-20-2007, 12:53 PM   #10
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Re: Very Serious Subject - I need help with please !!

I don't have much to add other than my opinion. I think there is nothing wrong with cutting ties with your family. I was abused by my father and I don't associate with him or his family because every time I talk to someone from his family they "update" him on my life and they are on "his side" so to speak. So I just simply don't talk to them, ever.

I think it is better for your children to be raised in a healthy, loving environment instead of around people like them.
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