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Old 12-09-2012, 04:21 PM   #11
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

Have you ask her "why did she lie"?
Maybe asking her why, will help you analyze why she did it,.
I have problem with people lying,. I must say I hate it,. but Knowing why they lie will help you predict further lying that my happen.
My nephews lie with their mom, when they are scare to the bathroom because of the ghost, scare to be punish so they lie and simply lazy to do some chores.


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Old 12-09-2012, 04:31 PM   #12
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I would add extra chores to the grounding as well. She is giving you a hard time and not doing the chores she was asked to do on top of the lying. I would have her pick up dog poop, take the dog out and take out every bag of trash for the entire week of her grounding. Maybe a big project as well, like organizing a really messy linen cupboard or storage room.
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Old 12-09-2012, 04:40 PM   #13
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

A gal in our adult fellowship said kinda think how can u make life miserable so they don't do again... a really good nurse as well & asked for if child is carrying on at foc office...... I think stay by ur side is olne. We kinda treated ours like tdog at store by telling sit like dog in middle of aisle when shopping around house not sure yet & ours is 7 yrs old now.....
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Old 12-09-2012, 05:15 PM   #14
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

Ok. I know she lied but I don't think she needs to be severely punished for this instance. I think she needs to have some sort of consequence after every instance. The consequence needs to be doable for you. I don't know your daughter but having to be next to a crabby 11 year old girl every minute for a week sounds like way more torchure for the mom than the kiddo.

She didn't lie about cigarettes, or money she stole, or cheating on a test. I do think lying can be a slippery slope so should are smart to take action but keep it a little in perspective too
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Old 12-09-2012, 07:06 PM   #15
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

When I got in trouble at that age, I had to do extra chores around the house, and of course my step dad chose the chores that he knew I hated the most... cleaning the bathrooms and doing the dishes. This was on top of being grounded.. straight home after school, no friends over, no going out, no social phone calls, etc.

We (sister and I) also lost TV time.

So my advice... grounded (take away the things at home she loves the most, and can't go to the after school stuff) and give her extra chores.

Good luck!
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:28 PM   #16
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

I don't have an 11yr old so take this for what its worth

It seems like lying is a pattern for her and its time for tough love because IMO she obviously doesn't understand why this is a problem and a big deal. So what is her "currency"..... eg what is something she LOVES..... then use that item to "explain" why lying is a problem in the following matter:

(For this example i will use B's favorite wooden train b/c that is his loved item)

Me: B will you bring me your wooden train please?
B: why?
Me: Because i want to look at it and have a talk with you.
he then brings me to toy
Me: You lied about X yesterday - are you going to do it again?
B: I'm sorry mom i will not lie anymore
Me:OK well i am done looking at your train now, you can have it back.
B reaches for the train
Then i do something to "ruin" it..... break a wheel, drop it, whatever.
B will then get hysterical and say something along the lines of "you said i could have it back!!!!"
I will then shrug and simply say "I lied".....

Yep - I'm that mom. If lying becomes a pattern i have no problems applying the above. then after he earns my trust back i will gift him back his favorite item at some point or an equivalent replacement. Of course that example is very simplified but you get the point. My friend with tweens shared this approach (she broke her sons DS - and yes its $$$$ but that child is totally different now and she feels it was worth it. a perpetual liar was "cured" and now 6 months later santa is bringing him one for his honesty this year )

I really hope i don't have to do that - but i will if i must.
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:36 PM   #17
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

I don't have a really good consequence idea.

But, it isn't only the's lying, AND not taking care of her responsibilities. She was responsible for the dog while you cooked. But, she chose to let the dog be uncomfortable because she didn't want to be uncomfortable. (in the cold) or to clean up poop.

So, maybe instead of grounding, she needs some new responsibilities, and less time to relax on her tablet or watching tv. Not an actual punishment, but more of a "I see you don't want to do your job right, so I am going to make sure you have more time to do what I ask, by making sure you have less time on your computer/tv/book"

Then discuss a new responsibility she can have in addition to helping with the dog's poop. She might hate cleaning up dog poop...but, It's a part of life and she will get over it. I hate unloading the dishwasher, yet that stupid thing is full every day or so.

I wouldn't let her off the hook for the dog poop... but, i'd make sure she realizes who suffers most for her ignoring the dog's needs, and it isn't her...she needs to understand that it's the dog who suffers. She is still really young, and probably doesn't realize that other people get angry about dog poop, or that the dog doesn't feel very good, or needs to walk longer or whatever...but, she's old enough to understand after it's been explained a few times. (maybe more than a few times)

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Old 12-09-2012, 09:38 PM   #18
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

You know, in all my child psych. classes we learned about how stages cycle. This reminds me that I'll have to deal with this again in 10 years. 3 year old is going through the lying stage right now and it's difficult to address. Personally, I tend to favor immediate and logical consequences. When I catch her in a lie, I talk about the repercussions of lying and then make her fix her wrong. When another trust issue comes up I remind her that I can't trust her at this time and she has to work to regain my trust before I let her do something without supervision/following up/etc. I try to remember it's just another of her experimental stages to test where the boundaries are, but it's still annoying .
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:50 PM   #19
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

I agree with previous posters about no unsupervised time, period. Pick an amount of time that you know what you can be available 24/7 (a week, etc). Just remember that means you're grounded too lol! I know a lot of parents will hand out punishments without realizing how much it will impact themselves, then not follow through. It sounds like she's a good girl just being a preteen
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Old 12-09-2012, 10:07 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by mcpforever
I have a 10yo DS and while we haven't dealt with this issue in a while, when we do, the punishment is that he can't be out of our sight since he has shown us that we can't trust him. He still goes to school, but he has to be in the same room with me at all times unless he is sleeping or I am using the restroom. Even then, he has to stand outside the door and talk to me the whole time. If he has to use the restroom, he has to wait until it's a convenient time for me and keep the door open.

He gets frustrated really quickly that he can't just live his life the way he is used to doing. Things like getting a toy from his room or checking to see that his little brother doesn't undo his latest lego creation are a much bigger hassle for him, because he has to wait for dear old mom to finish folding her laundry or sweeping the floor or posting on DS.

ETA: Leslie, we were posting at the same time. I am just too wordy!
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